Draft personal statement, critique appreciated!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Nospherato
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:49 pm

Draft personal statement, critique appreciated!

Postby Nospherato » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:00 pm

Hello! I've been reading the forums alot lately but it's first time I am posting anything!
I was wondering if anyone could critique my personal statement, I'd greatly appreciate it.
But I was wondering: before I post it or PM it to anyone, would I have to check "yes" if I am asked if i received assistance in preparing this application? (even if it's proofreading and critique?)
I guess I would have to, but I just wanted to be sure. And also, would it negatively impact me throughout the admission cycle, as in "oh this person cannot write a good essay on her own so she had to go get help!"
Sorry if I have too many questions, I am a little freaked out.
Thanks!
Last edited by Nospherato on Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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MrPapagiorgio
Posts: 1747
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2010 2:36 am

Re: Personal statement questions..

Postby MrPapagiorgio » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:02 pm

Welcome. No, I would not consider any assistance you receive on TLS to warrant a "Yes" on the question of whether or not you received assistance. If you paid a "professional" to edit your draft, yes. Asking the friendly TLSers, not so much.

Nospherato
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:49 pm

PLEASE IGNORE, DELETED POST

Postby Nospherato » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:15 pm

*
Last edited by Nospherato on Thu Jan 27, 2011 12:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Flips88
Posts: 13611
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 7:42 pm

Re: Draft personal statement, critique appreciated!

Postby Flips88 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:41 pm

You've obviously invested lots of time in writing this, but as much as you'll hate to hear, it needs to be completely rewritten.

First off, it's entirely too long. It's 7 pages double-spaced when I copy it into word. AdComms will stop reading after 2 or 3.

Second, drop all your hokey metaphors. The dragonfly anecdote is useless flowery prose. There is nothing genuine about a contrived lucid memory of your 4-year old self.

Third, pick on theme or topic and stay with it. You are all over the place. Your father's death, small claims court, identity theft, school, politics. Pick one or two and write about them for 2 pages.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Draft personal statement, critique appreciated!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:57 pm

Too long. Try to reduce your thoughts into a more succinct message delivered in crisp,clear sentences. As written, many may question your readiness for law school.

Nospherato
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:49 pm

Re: Draft personal statement, critique appreciated!

Postby Nospherato » Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:19 pm

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I realize it's quite long, and it's a draft, so I just wanted to write everything I wanted to include in there to drop later as it went, and thanks to your feedbacks, I know what needs to be completely dropped and cut out now. :)
I guess I can leave out some of those and include in addendum.

mmy789
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2011 7:10 pm

Re: Draft personal statement, critique appreciated!

Postby mmy789 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:42 pm

I saw that ur question seemed to be resolved but I thought I would give you this link...

http://blogs.law.yale.edu/blogs/admissions/default.aspx

I don't know if you've seen this...but it is a blog about Yale admissions written by the Dean (I think?). Look for the "PS boot Camp" articles. I think they might give you some valuable insight as to what admissions offices are thinking when they read personal statements. Good Luck! :)

Nospherato
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:49 pm

Re: Draft personal statement, critique appreciated!

Postby Nospherato » Mon Jan 10, 2011 5:00 pm

Thank you!
This is really helpful. Reading all of it now :)




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