Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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JoeShmoe11
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Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 5:10 pm

Removed to rewrite - THANKS FOR ALL THOSE THAT GAVE ME INPUT!
Last edited by JoeShmoe11 on Thu Jan 13, 2011 3:30 am, edited 3 times in total.

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:16 pm

Please? Even if its just a "that ****ing sucked" comment with an explanation of why would be helpful.

quetzal_bird
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby quetzal_bird » Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:24 pm

I think you can work with this theme, but I do think you can create a more gripping introduction with it. Your fifth sentence has a tense change. I think your last sentences read too much like a high school thesis. I felt like "entrepreneurial" and "professional" were thrown into this paragraph awkwardly and did not have much relationship to caring for your baby sister. Also, if your sister is five, isn't it a little soon to say you have fulfilled your role as an older sibling/third parent to her?

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:35 pm

quetzal_bird wrote:I think you can work with this theme, but I do think you can create a more gripping introduction with it.


Any suggestions? I'd appreciate it very much.

quetzal_bird wrote:I think your last sentences read too much like a high school thesis. I felt like "entrepreneurial" and "professional" were thrown into this paragraph awkwardly and did not have much relationship to caring for your baby sister.


Good point, I'll change that. It does seem like the introduction to a persuasive essay or something from high school.

quetzal_bird wrote:Also, if your sister is five, isn't it a little soon to say you have fulfilled your role as an older sibling/third parent to her?


The essay ends with all of my siblings going off to school so my role as their caregiver is completed. Do you think that's too much of a stretch? Maye I'll take that sentence out or reword it.

sparty99
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby sparty99 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:42 pm

I think you might want to take an entirely different angle - get off the family aspect, perhaps....Maybe have a sentence (or two) to show you can handle multiple priorities and school, etc. But this as your main theme as your introduction, I think it needs to go.

When my sister Giavonna was born I was sixteen and to be honest the birthing process was far from beautiful.

- Were you in the room delivering the baby?


But as I grew to know my new sibling I have grown from a reluctant babysitter to an eager third parent.

My experiences as a caretaker have inspired me entrepreneurially, creatively, and professionally.

- I don't see the connection how this works professionally, unless you worked at a daycare of elementary school.

You raised four siblings?
--- hmmmmmm.......This might be true, but I'm seriously doubting you raised them. Did you pay the bills? Or did you just play, "big brother" and baby-sat from time to time...This reminds me of 16 year old kids on the montel williams show that want kids and they justify that they would be a good parent because they babysit their younger sisters/brothers.....

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twert
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby twert » Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:53 pm

i disagree with the above post. i like the theme. i like your writing style, and i'm picky. there are a few awkward things, and a typo. but on the whole i think its very good.

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Leira7905
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby Leira7905 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:00 pm

sparty99 wrote:I think you might want to take an entirely different angle - get off the family aspect, perhaps....Maybe have a sentence (or two) to show you can handle multiple priorities and school, etc. But this as your main theme as your introduction, I think it needs to go.

When my sister Giavonna was born I was sixteen and to be honest the birthing process was far from beautiful.

- Were you in the room delivering the baby?


But as I grew to know my new sibling I have grown from a reluctant babysitter to an eager third parent.

My experiences as a caretaker have inspired me entrepreneurially, creatively, and professionally.

- I don't see the connection how this works professionally, unless you worked at a daycare of elementary school.

You raised four siblings?
--- hmmmmmm.......This might be true, but I'm seriously doubting you raised them. Did you pay the bills? Or did you just play, "big brother" and baby-sat from time to time...This reminds me of 16 year old kids on the montel williams show that want kids and they justify that they would be a good parent because they babysit their younger sisters/brothers.....


I'm inclined to agree with this.... I was the oldest of four children growing up (the youngest sibling being 13 years younger than me). I am now the single mother of a 9 year old. I had to help to take care of my siblings quite a bit growing up, but it was in no way equivalent to actually Raising a child.

That being said, you can probably use this theme to show how helping with your siblings helped to you mature, learn responsibility, etc. but be careful when making statements that imply that you actually raised them...

Also, if your going to say that this experience has made you more professional, then you need to tie that in a little better with the theme, because I too am having a hard time making the connection.

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:01 pm

sparty99 wrote:I think you might want to take an entirely different angle - get off the family aspect, perhaps....Maybe have a sentence (or two) to show you can handle multiple priorities and school, etc. But this as your main theme as your introduction, I think it needs to go.

When my sister Giavonna was born I was sixteen and to be honest the birthing process was far from beautiful.

- Were you in the room delivering the baby?


But as I grew to know my new sibling I have grown from a reluctant babysitter to an eager third parent.

My experiences as a caretaker have inspired me entrepreneurially, creatively, and professionally.

- I don't see the connection how this works professionally, unless you worked at a daycare of elementary school.

You raised four siblings?
--- hmmmmmm.......This might be true, but I'm seriously doubting you raised them. Did you pay the bills? Or did you just play, "big brother" and baby-sat from time to time...This reminds me of 16 year old kids on the montel williams show that want kids and they justify that they would be a good parent because they babysit their younger sisters/brothers.....


Yea I'm gonna have to switch up that first sentence, thanks for pointing that out.

But otherwise I raised my siblings in the sense that my parents are busy people and I spent every weekend and multiple weekdays each week at home, taking care of them. To say that I raised them entirely is I guess an exaggeration since I did not pay the bills but in terms of time commitment I think it's safe to say; three or four days a week, sometimes every day.

Is this an appropriate topic for an essay if it has inspired, influenced, and shaped me?

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:03 pm

Leira7905 wrote:
I'm inclined to agree with this.... I was the oldest of four children growing up (the youngest sibling being 13 years younger than me). I am now the single mother of a 9 year old. I had to help to take care of my siblings quite a bit growing up, but it was in no way equivalent to actually Raising a child.

That being said, you can probably use this theme to show how helping with your siblings helped to you mature, learn responsibility, etc. but be careful when making statements that imply that you actually raised them...

Also, if your going to say that this experience has made you more professional, then you need to tie that in a little better with the theme, because I too am having a hard time making the connection.


I can certainly understand why saying I raised them is an exaggeration. I technically did not. More co-raising. Im glad you think the theme is alright though, I will have to be sure to choose my words more carefully and try to make the tie-ins more obvious.

Oh and thank you for your input, I very much appreciate it.

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:04 pm

twert wrote:i disagree with the above post. i like the theme. i like your writing style, and i'm picky. there are a few awkward things, and a typo. but on the whole i think its very good.


Can you give me more specific instances on each, please? What parts are awkward and was anything confusing? Thank you for your help, really appreciate it.

sparty99
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby sparty99 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:12 pm

"as busy medical practitioners their time was and is limited and valuable."

- aw

But as I grew to know my new sibling I have grown from a reluctant babysitter to an eager third parent. My experiences as a caretaker have inspired me entrepreneurially, creatively, and professionally.

"Five years later Giavonna and the rest of my siblings have entered school and begun their lives;"

-Their lives started when they were born

"fulfilled my role I am eagerly await the opportunity to enter law school using the skills I have learned while raising my four siblings.

quetzal_bird
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby quetzal_bird » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:17 pm

I think you need to keep writing on this theme, get all your thoughts on paper, and then go back to your introduction to correct it. Trying to make the perfect introduction might not be helpful. Move on to the body and see if your focus changes or your direction with this becomes clearer.

Normally, I don't like anecdotes but, if we are talking about something tangible that your sister taught you, maybe start with that. Maybe you can remember a specific moment with her, or a day that affected you. I can remember the day my little sister was born. I crawled in the bed, kissed all her fingers and toes, and cried. If you can capture being moved by seeing your sister as a newborn, that might be a good place to start.

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:25 pm

quetzal_bird wrote:I think you need to keep writing on this theme, get all your thoughts on paper, and then go back to your introduction to correct it. Trying to make the perfect introduction might not be helpful. Move on to the body and see if your focus changes or your direction with this becomes clearer.

Normally, I don't like anecdotes but, if we are talking about something tangible that your sister taught you, maybe start with that. Maybe you can remember a specific moment with her, or a day that affected you. I can remember the day my little sister was born. I crawled in the bed, kissed all her fingers and toes, and cried. If you can capture being moved by seeing your sister as a newborn, that might be a good place to start.


I actually did exactly that haha - I have already written the essay, just going back to the first paragraph and editing it. So I posted it up here for corrections and suggestions. My essay is primarily about my experiences while helping to raise my siblings but I can't quite seem to put what I mean into words.

sparty99
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby sparty99 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:27 pm

It's hard to critique an essay without knowing how everything ties together.

quetzal_bird
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby quetzal_bird » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:30 pm

if you post the whole essay we can help more. Honestly, I would sit down and highlight every word that isn't 100% clear to a reader (ie: raising, professionalism) and ask yourself why it isn't clear, what exactly you mean, and how to fix it. You might need more people looking at it to spot those issues.

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JaLeCa
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby JaLeCa » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:33 pm

You need to make better transitions between sentences. It sounds pretty choppy. Be a bit more descriptive. The birthing part didn't seem to fit in the first part.

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JaLeCa
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby JaLeCa » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:40 pm

JoeShmoe11 wrote:I suspect it may be boring, uninteresting, etc.
Please tear this baby apart, it's a very rough draft.


When my sister Giavonna was born I was sixteen and to be honest the birthing process was far from beautiful. (Insert quick, non-graphic descriptor, ie: Covered in gunk, puffy eyed) The little girl that resulted, however, was more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. Pudgy and pink, Giavonna quickly found her way into my heart and came to dominate my life. I knew that when my mother and stepfather first conceived (new describer perhaps?) a child that much of the responsibility would fall on my shoulders;(End this sentence, restructure the following one) as busy medical practitioners their time was and is limited and valuable. But as I grew to know my new sibling I have grown (tense) from a reluctant babysitter to an eager third parent. My experiences as a caretaker have inspired me entrepreneurially (not a word) creatively, and professionally. Five years later Giavonna and the rest of my siblings have entered school and begun their lives; having fulfilled my role I am eagerly await the opportunity to enter law school using the skills I have learned while raising my four siblings.


Since I'm not sure where it goes from here, you might want to go into detail about how you feel you helped raised your sibs, and why that was significant.

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Critique My First Paragraph, Please - It's Short!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 12:52 am

I've posted my full essay here: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=143806. Please provide all the help you can!!




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