Critique my PS please (constructing my identity)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
gymrat780
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 9:31 pm

Critique my PS please (constructing my identity)

Postby gymrat780 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 2:41 pm

Thanks.
Last edited by gymrat780 on Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JoeShmoe11
Posts: 355
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 3:16 pm

Re: Critique my PS please (constructing my identity)

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 5:15 pm

The first paragraph basically just says: this is my diversity statement. I would change it a bit, maybe say the same thing but integrate it better.

EDIT: "When I moved to California and became friends with other black students, most of whom grew up in predominantly black areas, I found that many of them were clinging on to the media’s construction of what it is to be a black person."

This is a pretty interesting and fairly novel idea - I would consider building more structure around it. Maybe describe how despite the fact that you saw other people conforming to the media's portrayal of black people you stood true to yourself and your upbringing without regard to the color of your own skin.

Overall this was a surprisingly interesting essay. The beginning is a bit boring but it gets better and kept my interest most of the way through.

lackadaisy
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Sep 20, 2010 2:57 am

Re: Critique my PS please (constructing my identity)

Postby lackadaisy » Sun Jan 09, 2011 5:31 pm

gymrat780 wrote:In adopting this identity, I thought I was becoming more “black”. Later experience would tell me otherwise. I would learn that though there are different expectations, I did not have to conform to those narrow expectations.

This is interesting.

gymrat780 wrote:I soon appreciated the community I grew up in made me more open-minded and the opportunity to construct my identity both in Canada and the United States allowed me to transcend this view. Staying positive, filtering opinions and perspectives of others while remaining true to oneself are good foundational qualities for strong law student.


This is not.

My advice would be first to read "Dreams from My Father" (obviously not the only African immigrant /Black identity book but a currently relevant one, and short). Then try to engage with its ideas (I don't mean to quote it) without watering it down. If you want this to be more personal/relatable, include more specific detail that is humorous or illustrative rather than melodramatic. If you want to make more of a political/social statement and emphasize the diversity angle, play up the sociological analysis. Right now it's still a bit meager in the analysis component.

Basically, a diversity statement could be interesting, and yours definitely has the potential to be, but it's not quite there yet, and you don't want to be a sort of forgettable just-like-everyone-else diversity guy. The admissions people can already see your background so you're already getting credit for that, so if your essay doesn't -stand out- for its take on diversity, you're better off playing up some other part of your application IMHO.

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ach24
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Re: Critique my PS please (constructing my identity)

Postby ach24 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 6:36 pm

.
Last edited by ach24 on Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

gymrat780
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 9:31 pm

Re: Critique my PS please (constructing my identity)

Postby gymrat780 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 6:54 pm

Thanks again.
Last edited by gymrat780 on Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sparty99
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Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Critique my PS please (constructing my identity)

Postby sparty99 » Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:29 pm

This could be a diversity statement, but do not submit this as a personal statement! It's too cliche...I mean, it's definitely true, but I've read like 15 essays on this site that deals with the same subject. Smart black people being called oreo, unlce tom, white-washed, etc.

I don't think this would stand out as a personal statement.




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