Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby Its the gel man » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:31 am

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Last edited by Its the gel man on Sun Jan 09, 2011 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Re: Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby Its the gel man » Sun Jan 09, 2011 12:44 pm

Do I need more information about law and why I want to go to Law School? Or is what I have sufficient?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Jan 09, 2011 12:53 pm

You may want to reconsider the first sentence of your last paragraph.

Redundant & repetitious. Try to condense & combine paragraphs 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6.

Overall this is a very lightweight personal statement lacking in depth & lacking insight.

Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Re: Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby Its the gel man » Sun Jan 09, 2011 1:10 pm

Thanks. I agree that that its a bit repiticious and will try to fix that. I don't really see how its lacking in insight.

nothereok
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Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 3:52 pm

Re: Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby nothereok » Sun Jan 09, 2011 2:56 pm

1.) I’d drop the first sentence. The PS doesn’t pertain to politics and it was confusing because it is referring to the past.
2.) I’d drop a lot of the adjectives to cut down on length. For example, low – lying circular table could just say table.
3.) I’d re-evaluate referring to people by their nationalities, can’t put my finger on it but something doesn’t feel right about referring to someone as the Spaniard or the British girl. I don’t mind it so much in the first sentence, but then it sounds bad when you say the Spaniard came up with an idea.
4.) I’d DEFINETLY take out the bed rocking bit… a bed rocking slowly back and forth brings to mind other imagery than a train ride. There are other things you could say if you want to evoke the feeling of being on a train and if you don’t mind sacrificing flair you could just say as I sat on the train to Portugal. Or.....
5.) I think you could drop the entire second paragraph without hurting the structure of your argument and if fact I think it would tighten things up and hold you readers attention better.

This is how I would rework the first two paragraphs without adding anything…just deleting stuff.

There I was, seated at a table with two Frenchman, two Spaniards, a Dutch and a very quiet British girl of Indian descent. The subject at hand was how political decisions in the United States affected those in Europe. As the only American at the table, I became a bulls-eye for question tipped darts thrown at me from many different cultural players. Before the first person lined up to take their shot, but after we all toasted our wine glasses for a great night, I knew that my travels through Europe were going to be a different kind of adventure.

The predicament I faced during my trip was whether to travel to more countries and less cities in that country—popular opinion on what constitutes a well traveled individual—or to visit more cities and less countries. Immersion and assimilation played a vital role in shaping my decision for this trek and both factors unequivocally led me to a verdict. Seeing as many cities as I could in a country would allow me to break through the cultural barrier. This is how I accomplished my journey, which was supplied by a never ending source of fuel: my acquisition of the Spanish language.

nothereok
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 3:52 pm

Re: Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby nothereok » Sun Jan 09, 2011 3:24 pm

6. Please don’t take ANY offense and feel free to disregard me completely (PS are personal), but since I feel this way I assume there are some admissions people who might think the same thing:

Right now a few sentences make it seem like you are not especially welcoming of diversity or at the very least are American-centric. For example you make a great distinction of your American status. You also sort of make it seem like non Americans are very focused on Americans. I don’t think this was your intent. Right now the picture of you I see is a rich, white, blond, conservative American who is good at languages, is not especially comfortable or experienced with new cultures but who has become more comfortable over time due to your language acquisition and is (possibly too) proud of that. These are some of the sentences that led me to this conclusion. I think dropping just a few words could soften this impression.


- “Reaching out to this community brought me great satisfaction, but only a fraction compared to the fulfillment and happiness it brought to many in the Latin American society.” Why are they so much happier you are there?
-“ After seeing the great Bald Eagle alongside the words, United States of America, the normal day-to-day check-in routine changed pace.”
-“ and the metaphoric hammer I used to break through the cultural rock had only just been warmed up.” This is sort of grandiose
-“ It was very interesting to a lot of my soon to be foreigner friends that I, an American,”

Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Re: Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby Its the gel man » Sun Jan 09, 2011 3:32 pm

Your feedback is much appreciated and I thank you for helping me out.
Last edited by Its the gel man on Sun Jan 09, 2011 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Jan 09, 2011 3:48 pm

"Reaching out to this community brought me great satisfaction, but only a fraction compared to the fulfillment and happiness it brought to many more in the Latin American society." = The first sentence of your last paragraph. Am I misreading this or are you claiming to be God's gift to the Latin American society ?

This is typical of high schoolers' college application essays after spending a Summer in Europe. I don't read any insights other than the obvious American abroad who tried to learn the language & culture of a foreign country.

Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Re: Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby Its the gel man » Sun Jan 09, 2011 3:55 pm

Thats a lot to gather from one sentence. Are you God's gift of foresight?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Jan 09, 2011 4:01 pm

No, I am just pointing out that that sentence may be interpreted in a manner which you did not intend.
P.S. You are the one who sought critiques of your essay.

Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Re: Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby Its the gel man » Sun Jan 09, 2011 4:05 pm

Nope, thats what northereok pointed out. And I did take your critique into account, read above.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Second Draft -- Desperate to finish

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Jan 09, 2011 4:08 pm

"You may want to reconsider the first sentence of your last paragraph." = From the first post critiquing your essay. I thought that you would understand. Good luck !




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