Please, please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
nodummy
Posts: 179
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2009 4:20 pm

Please, please critique

Postby nodummy » Sat Jan 08, 2011 8:01 pm

thanks.
Last edited by nodummy on Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

nodummy
Posts: 179
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2009 4:20 pm

Re: Please, please critique

Postby nodummy » Sat Jan 08, 2011 8:46 pm

I know it's bad...any comments at all would help a lot

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gothamm
Posts: 506
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:10 am

Re: Please, please critique

Postby gothamm » Sat Jan 08, 2011 9:41 pm

combine the first 3 paragraphs into one. forgo unnecessary detail.

instead of merely throwing out names of influential figures you interviewed, go into a little bit of detail on what you learned by interviewing them. Talk a bit more about these experiences...

your very last sentence makes it seem like you are not sure about law school i.e. usage of term "crossroads"

transitions could be better.

nodummy
Posts: 179
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2009 4:20 pm

Re: Please, please critique

Postby nodummy » Sat Jan 08, 2011 9:49 pm

gothamm wrote:combine the first 3 paragraphs into one. forgo unnecessary detail.

instead of merely throwing out names of influential figures you interviewed, go into a little bit of detail on what you learned by interviewing them. Talk a bit more about these experiences...

your very last sentence makes it seem like you are not sure about law school i.e. usage of term "crossroads"

transitions could be better.


Thanks a lot...great advice. Also, any idea how I could wrap it up?

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DeeCee
Posts: 1352
Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 4:09 am

Re: Please, please critique

Postby DeeCee » Sat Jan 08, 2011 11:10 pm

gothamm wrote:combine the first 3 paragraphs into one. forgo unnecessary detail.

instead of merely throwing out names of influential figures you interviewed, go into a little bit of detail on what you learned by interviewing them. Talk a bit more about these experiences...

your very last sentence makes it seem like you are not sure about law school i.e. usage of term "crossroads"

transitions could be better.


I thought your PS was pretty decent, though +1 about gothamm's comments.
You should end your PS on a positive note, maybe elaborating on how your experience significantly swayed your decision to go to law school. Just make sure to end it positiely and in a way you want to be remembered.

nodummy
Posts: 179
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2009 4:20 pm

Re: Please, please critique

Postby nodummy » Sat Jan 08, 2011 11:35 pm

DCLaw11 wrote:
gothamm wrote:combine the first 3 paragraphs into one. forgo unnecessary detail.

instead of merely throwing out names of influential figures you interviewed, go into a little bit of detail on what you learned by interviewing them. Talk a bit more about these experiences...

your very last sentence makes it seem like you are not sure about law school i.e. usage of term "crossroads"

transitions could be better.


I thought your PS was pretty decent, though +1 about gothamm's comments.
You should end your PS on a positive note, maybe elaborating on how your experience significantly swayed your decision to go to law school. Just make sure to end it positiely and in a way you want to be remembered.



What are you thoughts on this ending?

Throughout my journalism career, from interviewing politicians in BLANK to legal experts in BLANK, I learned a great deal about the legal profession. The most important message that I carry today is that every person should be treated fairly. With a law degree I will raise this message to heights far beyond the reach of journalism and represent the underrepresented such as my friends back at the printing plant.

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DeeCee
Posts: 1352
Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 4:09 am

Re: Please, please critique

Postby DeeCee » Sat Jan 08, 2011 11:52 pm

nodummy wrote:
What are you thoughts on this ending?

Throughout my journalism career, from interviewing politicians in BLANK to legal experts in BLANK, I learned a great deal about the legal profession. The most important message that I carry today is that every person should be treated fairly. With a law degree I will raise this message to heights far beyond the reach of journalism and represent the underrepresented such as my friends back at the printing plant.


Sentence 2: "The most important message that I carry today is that every person should be treated fairly." Something about this sentence feels awkward. I feel like it jumps into a new idea too quick, or it doesn't flow well.

If you could fix that sentence or add one before it to logically tie together sentences 1 and 2, I feel that your paragraph could wrap up the PS concisely. Thoughts, anyone else?




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