personal statement please critique

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pinkedelweiss
Posts: 18
Joined: Sun Aug 08, 2010 4:25 pm

personal statement please critique

Postby pinkedelweiss » Fri Jan 07, 2011 7:55 pm

This is just a rough draft, I plan to fix the language and make it sound a lot more eloquent. But, I am curious about whether you think it's too boring, and whether the content is okay, like if I sound too much like I don't know what I want to do or too naive or anything like that????
Also, it's too short, and I don't know what else to say, but I guess it's up to me to figure that out...

I haven't always wanted to be a lawyer, unlike many of my peers and fellow aspiring lawyers who have had a goal to pursue law since a very young age. My interest in law evolved unexpectedly as my college career progressed, and as I began to realize how I can make a career out of what I'm interested in, and find fulfillment in life through it. I had always been interested in science, because I've been captivated by the huge impact that science makes on humanity. As a high school student, I had the desire to study science without knowing why, and what I would do specifically do as a scientist. As an avid reader of science fiction, which often sends readers the message that science and technology are more powerful than we realize, I wanted to be a scientist, in order to be a part of that enthralling community that makes things that would have been magic years ago happen in reality today. Starting my college career at Georgia Tech, I majored in biology, and I enjoyed so many opportunities to learn, participating in an undergraduate research project that involved bacterial sub-cloning, and interning at an environmental lab.
As my studies progresses however, I found myself inspired to ask different types of questions, ones that science doesn't typically strive to answer. I found that I didn't want to know how genes replicate as much as I wanted to know the seemingly subtle impact of genetically modifying food, using stem cells for creating new treatments for disease. Similarly, I didn't want to know the mechanics of how evolution occurs as much as I wanted to know how we can address the issues at hand with species extinction and environmental damage. I looked for answers in my biology classes, and it didn't take me long to realize that I wasn't looking in the right places, until I discovered a program of study that suited me better-History, Technology and Society, where I took classes that explored the issues much closer to my interests, learning about how technology and science has altered our culture in profound ways. I learned that not only scientific progress, but also the scientific institution has had an impact on our culture, and I knew that I had made the right decision, and found my niche. Taking classes in history, technology and society made me realize importance of regulatory policy in every aspect of science and technology.
More enthusiastic in my new endeavor than I'd ever been, I interned at Company X, Inc, I learned about how environmental companies handle government regulations when it comes to polychlorinated biphenyls, polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons, just to name a few. They are toxic substances in the soil and water that pose a threat to public and ecosystem health. Having always had a deep appreciation for all the living things in our environment, I developed a strong desire to learn how regulatory systems are used to protect the environment. I realized that through law, it is possible to control the way scientific knowledge and the power to manipulate nature in order to diminish negative ramifications to humans and the environment.

pinkedelweiss
Posts: 18
Joined: Sun Aug 08, 2010 4:25 pm

Re: personal statement please critique

Postby pinkedelweiss » Fri Jan 07, 2011 9:04 pm

I just feel like I ramble a lot, and I say a lot of words without actually saying much...I don't know if that's true..

UPDATED VERSION

I haven't wanted to be a lawyer all of my life, unlike so many of my peers and fellow aspiring lawyers. My interest in law evolved unexpectedly as my college career progressed, and as I sought to find a practical application to the subjects that most interested me, in order to find fulfillment in life. I had always been interested in science, because I've been captivated by the huge impact that science makes on humanity. As a high school student, I had the desire to study science without knowing why- I had simply enjoyed all of my science classes. As an avid reader of science fiction, which often sends readers the message that science and technology are more powerful than we realize, I wanted to be a scientist, in order to be a part of that enthralling community that today realizes what would have been seen as magic merely a few decades ago.

Starting my college career at Georgia Tech, I majored in biology, and I enjoyed so many opportunities to learn, participating in an undergraduate research project that involved bacterial sub-cloning, and interning at an environmental lab. While researching H1 linker histones under the guidance of Prof. Yuhong Fan's, together with her research group, I was able to experience the thrill of making progress and discussing the experiments and new findings. I was made responsible for a small part of the experiment- I inserted a gene into a bacterial plasmid and cultured bacterial cells that had the new gene, the process called sub-cloning.

It felt incredible to be even a small part of the process of creating scientific knowledge, but experiencing all of this made me realize that what I find thrilling is not the mechanics of science itself, but rather the issues of how science affects humanity's overall well-being, and the dynamics between science and technology, and culture and society has always been the reason why I've been attracted to science. Experiencing the process of creating scientific knowledge made me realize the true reason for my inspiration to study science. I didn't want to know how genes replicate as much as I wanted to know the seemingly subtle impact of genetically modifying plants, or using stem cells for creating new treatments for disease. Similarly, I didn't want to know the mechanics of how evolution occurs as much as I wanted to know how we can address the issues at hand with species extinction and environmental damage.

For a while I looked for answers in my biology classes, and it didn't take me long to realize that I wasn't looking in the right places, until I discovered a program of study that suited me better-History, Technology and Society, where I took classes that explored the issues much closer to my interests, learning about how technology and science has altered our culture in profound ways. I learned that not only scientific progress, but also the scientific institution has had an impact on our culture, and I knew that I had made the right decision, and found my niche. Taking classes in history, technology and society made me realize importance of regulatory policy in every aspect of science and technology.

More enthusiastic in my new endeavor than I'd ever been, I interned at Company X, Inc, I learned about how environmental companies handle government regulations when it comes to polychlorinated biphenyls, polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons, just to name a few. They are toxic substances in the soil and water that pose a threat to public and ecosystem health. Having always had a deep appreciation for all the living things in our environment, I developed a strong desire to learn how regulatory systems are used to protect the environment. I realized that through law, it is possible to control the way scientific knowledge and the power to manipulate nature in order to diminish negative ramifications to humans and the environment.

My experiences at University X and Company X inspired me to learn about the connections between law, technology, and science and use the law to protect humanity and nature from potential dangers. I am interested in developing policies such as the ones that have been developed in the past that protect species from hazardous exposure to toxins such as PCB's, PAH's by reducing their abundance in ecosystems. As a lawyer, I want to make a positive change in the world, but I also want to apply my knowledge and analytical skills and gain fulfillment by exploring areas of interest that have always been fascinating to me.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: personal statement please critique

Postby LSATclincher » Sat Jan 08, 2011 2:45 pm

This doesn't work. It sounds like a graduate admissions essay for a Masters in Science. You need to really sit down and think about the legal field. If you have no experience, get into the business, then re-apply. We all have lofty aspirations about what kind of law we want to do. But the reality is, you cannot predict the career at all.

Focus on some life experiences that have motivated you to succeed and get to this point. Then come up w/ some learned traits that you can bring to life.




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