Please help...Almost out of time and keep changing my ps

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mholmes414
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2011 4:49 pm

Please help...Almost out of time and keep changing my ps

Postby mholmes414 » Fri Jan 07, 2011 4:57 pm

First off I am not sure if it sounds okay with "it's not about you at the beginning and end of intro paragraph. Secondly, please let me know if you think it would sound better with Judge story first or Cinderella story first. I cannot decide. It really happened this way and i did not think of "Cinderella" even being relevant until this meeting i had with Judge.
Also should I take out the "cliche part of helping others" ?
please help!
______________________________________________________________________________

“It’s not about you.” Little did I know that such simple words would have such a profound and life-changing impact. As a recent college graduate, I was frustrated and mentally exhausted trying to figure out “my next step.” I decided I needed to talk with someone who “had been through it all.” Instead of driving home, I bypassed my apartment to go straight to the courthouse, planning to set up an appointment. I was pressed for time, but I chose to wait to meet with the judge present. The meeting that followed changed my entire outlook of my future. As I talked to Judge John C. Judge of Moscow, I felt my frustration lessen, but I was still confused as ever as to my life’s direction. Then, this one distinctive phrase grabbed me like a saving hand. He explained what had been revealed to him through his experiences that is the bottom line of any profession. Looking down from his bench to me at one of the counsel tables, he said, “It’s not about you.”
As if trapped in a block of ice melting in desert heat, my mind became clear to what I want, to what I have been searching for. My mind flashed to my father always reminding me of what I will be able to afford and achieve because of my law degree, my paycheck, that car, this house. Constant utters of monetary blessings conditioned me to think that money is the reason anyone becomes a lawyer. Riches and success are nice, but it is not enough to passionately motivate me. I desire to serve others.

From this desire, I have been dubbed Cinderella by my family since helping our cleaning lady became my by-weekly highlight as a child As a little girl, I wanted to help my mommy in any way that I could, usually through cleaning or chores, as her back injury became more and more severe. Surgery after surgery, doctor after doctor, I see my mother’s relentless, debilitating pain worsen each year. This affinity to help and serve spread and developed into a defining occupation and characteristic. Family, friends, and relatives always associate me with cleaning and holiday chores through perfectionist tendencies. In actuality, people confuse my true passion for helping others with a passion for chronic cleaning. I saw the ease and gratefulness it produced, making less work for my mother, and I thrived on it. Curiously through this Cinderella façade, understanding of this habit came full circle as I listened to those words, “it’s not about you,” and it was not. An obvious, yet puzzling revelation I saw in myself is that I enjoy helping.
In addition to helping through public service, I want to be exposed to constant learning. I sought out my internship for U.S. Senator Mike Crapo expecting to encounter new experiences while learning about politics, the inner-workings of government, and to converge with new people and personalities. I did not expect to learn a different side of helping. Failures in the governmental systems left people suffering. One case particularly impressed me. The Senator and his staff won disability payments for a young Orofino man who was suffering from type-2 neurofibromatosis, a disease affecting his eyesight through tumors growing on nerves with in his body. After noticeable improvement, He gave back to his community by volunteering his time at a teen center and also assisting his health teacher in class. In such a grave condition, Jacob still helps. He inspires me to help where I am able.
The concept of “helping others” may seem cliché and worn-out, but it is a main defining characteristic of who I am. I am a compassionate, caring, and humble person. It was not until my conversation with Judge Judge that I realized how to use these attributes for my career. As a constant in my life, helping people is what I want to continue to do, but on a greater level. I am a hard worker and I like to show people I am worth their time and trust in me.

As a private school attendee until ninth grade, I am greatly attracted to The University of Idaho College of Law for its close student-faculty environment. The small student body reminds me of the challenging and friendly learning atmosphere I experienced before transferring to a public high school. The University of Idaho is my top choice because it is one of the best values in legal education considering the quality and price. By obtaining my undergraduate degree here at U of I, I am already familiar with the enjoyable community Moscow, Idaho offers, as well as, the College of Law’s commitment to public service through the forty hour pro bono requirement each student must fulfill to graduate, a feature proven to be beneficial and also unique, which fits my personal preference to help others. I feel drawn to continue my education and career in my home state.

My meeting with Judge Judge expressed another aspect I assumed imperceptible to the external world, a mentality only I knew within myself: I am an introspective person. I spend a great deal of time thinking, analyzing, and questioning, another defining characteristic of who I am. I examine circumstances until they make sense to me and do not take anything at face value. I intend to utilize this introspective trait in the legal profession. Judge Judge’s statement made a profound impact because he not only gave me a deep and sincere understanding of why I want to be a lawyer, but also revealed to me the person I am. The choice to wait that day not only gave me a deep and sincere understanding of why I want to be a lawyer, but it also revealed to me the person I am.
Last edited by mholmes414 on Tue Jan 11, 2011 2:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: almost final ps draft...brutal critique welcome

Postby LSATclincher » Sat Jan 08, 2011 3:11 pm

I liked this, and I can tell you've worked it many times. But I have a few suggestions. I thought your cleaning story was a clever anecdote, and more powerful then the judge story. I'd open with that. Just keep the tone mature. No mommy or little girl, etc. Then transition into an awesome internship. You need to play this up. Tell exactly what you accomplished, then tell us what you learned. The story of that person is nice, I would just keep his real name out of the PS. That's a bit too personal. Also, don't make it too political. Don't say the government system "failed."

After that, I'd revise. Your convo w/ the judge seemed a mere name-drop. But I guess it could work. I edited it below. The why idaho kinda works here b/c it ties into your service stuff. But it still seems thrown in, and I'm not a fan of "why x law school?" unless the school requires it.

My family knows me as "Cinderella." As a child, I helped my mother in any way that I could, usually through cleaning or chores, as her back injury became more and more severe. Surgery after surgery, doctor after doctor, I (witnessed) my mother’s relentless, debilitating pain worsen each year. This affinity to help and serve spread and developed into a defining occupation and characteristic. Family, friends, and relatives always associate me with cleaning and holiday chores through perfectionist tendencies. I saw the ease and gratefulness it produced, making less work for my mother, and I thrived on it. Looking forward, my role as "Cinderella" progressed into the professional world.

My passion to serve my mother sparked a desire to serve others on a larger scale. So, I obtained an internship for U.S. Senator Mike Crapo. (Tell what you accomplished). I also learned of other people's suffering. The case of Jacob Walk particularly impressed me. The Senator and his staff won disability payments for the young Orofino man who was suffering from type-2 neurofibromatosis, a disease affecting his eyesight through tumors growing on nerves with in his body. After noticeable improvement, Jacob gave back to his community by volunteering his time at a teen center and also assisting his health teacher in class. In such a grave condition, Jacob still helps. He is an inspiring example for me to help where I am able.

As my passion for serving others grew, I received some keen advice from a (family friend), Judge John C. Judge of Moscow. He explained what had been revealed to him through his experiences that is the bottom line of any profession. Looking down from his bench to me at one of the counsel tables, he said, “It’s not about you.” At that moment, I realized the legal profession was an ideal outlet for service. (insert characteristics of "why law?") Then transition into why idaho?

I am attracted to The University of Idaho College of Law for its close student-faculty environment. The small student body reminds me of the challenging and friendly learning atmosphere I experienced before transferring to a public high school. The University of Idaho is my top choice because it is one of the best values in legal education considering the quality and price. By obtaining my undergraduate degree here at U of I, I am already familiar with the enjoyable community Moscow, Idaho offers, as well as, the College of Law’s commitment to public service through the forty hour pro bono requirement each student must fulfill to graduate, a feature proven to be beneficial and also unique, which fits my personal preference to help others. I feel drawn to continue my education and career in my home state.

My meeting with Judge Judge expressed another aspect I assumed imperceptible to the external world, a mentality only I knew within myself: I am an introspective person. I spend a great deal of time thinking, analyzing, and questioning, another defining characteristic of who I am. I examine circumstances until they make sense to me and do not take anything at face value. I intend to utilize this introspective trait in the legal profession. Judge Judge’s statement made a profound impact because he not only gave me a deep and sincere understanding of why I want to be a lawyer, but also revealed to me the person I am. The choice to wait that day not only gave me a deep and sincere understanding of why I want to be a lawyer, but it also revealed to me the person I am.




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