Constructive criticism is much appreciated!!!

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sreichel
Posts: 152
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 5:36 pm

Constructive criticism is much appreciated!!!

Postby sreichel » Fri Jan 07, 2011 2:37 am

I'm deleting the old versions off this as I go, see below for current. Any info is greatly appreciated, I think i'm almost there
Last edited by sreichel on Fri Jan 07, 2011 8:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jasonc.
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:22 am

Re: Constructive criticism is much appreciated!!!

Postby jasonc. » Fri Jan 07, 2011 2:56 am

sreichel wrote:“We’re letting you go.”
When she said those words I was aghast. Three days before I was set to leave my position of two years in good standing I had been fired by the same two people who the day before had been asking me for the benefit of the doubt and a show of good faith. Perhaps it was naivety or simply a willingness to not be the sore thumb, but I had signed the confused here when did they give you the contract two years ago or two days a agonondisclosure agreement they presented to me with little argument. The few questions I asked regarding the exact legal definition of terms like trade secrets or proprietary information were met with a quick response: “It’s just a sign of good faith XXXXXX. You’re showing us you’re not going to just run to the competition.” I had no intention of doing so, and fully understood the sensitive nature of my position in research and development for this motorcycle design company, which prompted me to sign the paper that would give them calm.
My position in research and development made me privy to design methodology and tests kept secret from competition and indeed from others within XXXXXXXXX. We designed improved electrical components primarily for motorcycles but automobiles as well, usually consisting of charging, ignition or lighting systems. My responsibilities constantly evolved, ranging from quality control on existing parts to technical support and even design, machining, installation and testing of prototype systems. My passion for motorcycles as well as my drive to succeed in all my endeavorsthis word is overused in alot of ps lol led me to not only resolve complex technical problems in current components, but also design new durable and more efficient parts. As my position was very involved and diverse, I felt it appropriate to give a month’s notice when I needed to leave for school. Little did I know when asking for a copy the day after I signed the “good faith” nondisclosure agreement, the management who for two years had praised my contributions to the company and approved of my work would let me go for “being difficult”, and my employment at XXXXXXXXXXX would come to a premature and abrupt end.
Very suddenly I was thrown into a storm of worry and paranoia about the possible ramifications of the form I had just signed. I was leaving the company because transferring from the community college to the university would stop my ability to work during the day, but I still had every intention of using my electrical design talents to create alternative projects of my own invention. I quickly came to the realization I was grossly unfamiliar with legal contracts and may have signed myself out of any sort of design-related future. I went home, opened my computer, and set to work with the same intensity I had given my occupation for the past two years.
The whole new realm of knowledge I discovered was amazing. I found a plethora of information regarding the specifics necessary in a legally binding document, and soon realized the contract I had signed was no real contract at all; it was a form designed to intimidate workers from seeking alternative employment in the same industry. My first thought regarded how grateful I was to be able to discern this information, and my second wondered how many people had fallen for this trick with this employer or others. The idea enraged me, and I promised myself never to be uninformed again. The more I read and learned, the more I realized how little everyone knows, let alone me. I decided then and there a legal education was something I was not only interested in, but needed to attain for the benefit of myself and my loved ones.why love ones could you explain how your knowledge of contracts benefits others
This event in my life initially caused my focus to be directed primarily at contract and business law, and my undergraduate studies in economics have only emphasized this attraction. However, work experience has opened my eyes to other areas such as intellectual property, patent and professional liability law. I do not see the law degree as an end, but as a tool to be used in pursuit of future goals. A large part of me seeks to aid those without a legal education protect themselves from an often-predatory society; the other is looking for the intellectual challenge absent in so many other areas of study, but present in legal doctrine and argument. The events in my career as well as my personal thirst for knowledge have directed my interests and passion toward the legal field, and therefore your esteemed institution. I hope to use my experiences, drive and personal ambition to succeed in your law program, and I believe my attendance would enrich the diversity of your student body.
the last sentence is corny.

its good i get what your motivation is. your like at 95 percent

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sreichel
Posts: 152
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 5:36 pm

Re: Constructive criticism is much appreciated!!!

Postby sreichel » Fri Jan 07, 2011 3:11 am

Thank you so much, I fixed the things you pointed out. When I started this I just honestly asked myself "What even sparked my interest in the law in the first place?" and this was it. I've read it so many times I can't tell if it's any good or even necessarily works, so any comments are MUCHO appreciated :D
Last edited by sreichel on Fri Jan 07, 2011 8:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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kitmitzi
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: Constructive criticism is much appreciated!!!

Postby kitmitzi » Fri Jan 07, 2011 5:38 pm

sreichel wrote:
“We’re letting you go.”

When she said those words I was aghast. Three days before I was set to leave my position of two years in good standing I had been was fired by the same two people who the day before had been asking me for the benefit of the doubt and a show of good faith I don't completely understand the context of this. To show faith about what? Give the benefit of the doubt about what? Maybe make it more specific.. Perhaps it was naivety or simply a willingness to not be the sore thumb I don't think that expression is common enough to use in your PS. Maybe a "desire to fit in with my coworkers." Fit in is the wrong word though and sounds lame I can't think of another one right now but you probably can., but with my resignation I had signed the nondisclosure agreement they presented to me with little argument. The few questions I asked regarding the exact legal definition of terms like trade secrets or proprietary information were met with a quick response: “It’s just a sign of good faith XXXXXX Name not necessary. You’re showing us you’re not going to just run to the competition.” I had no intention of doing so, and fully understood the sensitive nature of my position in research and development for this motorcycle design company, which prompted me to sign the paper that would give them calm. I'm surprised they didn't make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before you even joined the company.

My position in research and development made me privy to design methodology and tests kept secret from competition and indeed from others within XXXXXXXXX. We designed improved electrical components primarily for motorcycles but automobiles as well, usually consisting of charging, ignition or lighting systems. My responsibilities constantly evolved, ranging from quality control on existing parts to technical support and even design, machining, installation and testing of prototype systems. My passion for motorcycles as well as my drive to succeed in everything I attempt led me to not only resolve complex technical problems in current components, but also design new durable and more efficient parts. As my position was very involved and diverse, I felt it appropriate to give a month’s notice when I needed to leave for school. Little did I know when asking for a copy the day after I signed the “good faith” nondisclosure agreement, the management who for two years had praised my contributions to the company and approved of my work would let me go for “being difficult”, and my employment at XXXXXXXXX would come to a premature and abrupt end. The part of describing your passion for motorcycles and job responsibilities is unnecessary

Very suddenly I was thrown into a storm of worry and paranoia about the possible ramifications of the form I had just signed. I was leaving the company because transferring from the community college to the university would stop my ability to work during the day I had to leave XXXXX because I could not maintain a full-time position while attending university, but I still had every intention of using my electrical design talents to create alternative projects of my own invention. I quickly came to the realization I was grossly unfamiliar with legal contracts and may have signed myself out of any sort of design-related future. I went home, opened my computer, and set to work with the same intensity I had given my occupation for the past two years.

The whole] new realm of knowledge I discovered was amazing I was amazed by the new realm of knowledge I discovered . I found a plethora ]hehe. The only thing I can think of with this word is a Thanksgiving feast spread. Then again, that's the context I was taught the word in. So to me it sounds awkward, but maybe not. You can also use "a wealth of information" of information regarding the specifics necessary in a legally binding document, and soon realized the contract I had signed was not a real contract at all; it was a form designed to intimidate workers from seeking alternative employment in the same industry. My first thought regarded consideredhow grateful I was to be able to discern this information, and my second wondered how many people had fallen for this trick in the past. with this employer or others. The idea enraged me, and I promised myself never to be uninformed again. The more I read and learned, the more I realized how little everyone knows, let alone me. I decided then and there that a legal education was something I was not only interested in, but needed to attain for my own benefit as well as to enable me to legally protect those I care about. The green part sounds awkward. Asserting how little other people know is kind of iffy. And when you say "those I care about" it sounds like you're limiting you desire to protect people to your friends and family. Maybe just in general say you want to make sure others do ont fall for the same ploy?

This event in my life initially caused my focus to be directed primarily at contract and business law, and my undergraduate studies in economics have only emphasized this attraction. However, work experience has opened my eyes to other areas such as intellectual property, patent and professional liability law. I do not see the law degree as an end, but as a tool to be used in pursuit of future goals. A large part of me seeks to aid those without a legal education protect themselves from an often-predatory society; the other is looking for the intellectual challenge absent in so many other areas of study, but present in legal doctrine and argument. The events in my career as well as my personal thirst for knowledge have directed my interests and passion toward the legal field, and therefore your esteemed institution. Law school would be a challenge for anyone, but I have the skills, dedication and personal ambition necessary to succeed.


I crossed out some random words that I thought were unnecessary. Feel free to ignore though.

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sreichel
Posts: 152
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 5:36 pm

Re: Constructive criticism is much appreciated!!!

Postby sreichel » Fri Jan 07, 2011 8:03 pm

Here's the most up-to-date draft, I think this is money but i'd still love opinions!

“We’re letting you go.”
When she said those words I was aghast. Three days before I was set to leave my position of two years in good standing I was fired by the same people who had the day before asked me to show them a sign of good faith. Perhaps it was naivety or simply a willingness to not be difficult, but with my resignation I had signed the nondisclosure agreement they presented to me with little argument. The few questions I asked regarding the exact legal definition of terms like trade secrets or proprietary information were met with a quick response: “It’s just a sign of good faith. You’re showing us you’re not going to just run to the competition.” I had no intention of doing so, and fully understood the sensitive nature of my position in research and development for this motorcycle design company, which prompted me to sign the paper that would give them calm.
My position in research and development made me privy to design methodology and tests kept secret from competition and indeed from others within XXXXXXXXX. We designed improved electrical components for motorcycles, usually consisting of charging, ignition or lighting systems. My responsibilities constantly evolved, ranging from quality control on existing parts to technical support and even design, machining, installation and testing of prototype systems. My passion for motorcycles as well as my drive to succeed in everything I attempt led me to not only resolve complex technical problems in current components, but also design new durable and more efficient parts. As my position was very involved and diverse, I felt it appropriate to give a month’s notice when I needed to leave for school. Little did I know when asking for a copy the day after I signed the “good faith” nondisclosure agreement, the management who for two years had praised my contributions to the company and approved of my work would let me go for “being difficult”, and my employment at XXXXXXXXX would come to a premature and abrupt end.
Very suddenly I was thrown into a storm of worry and paranoia about the possible ramifications of the form I had just signed. I had to submit my resignation from XXXXXXXX because I could not maintain a full-time position after transferring from community college to the university, but I still had every intention of using my electrical design talents to create alternative projects of my own invention. I quickly came to the realization I was grossly unfamiliar with legal contracts and may have signed myself out of any sort of design-related future. I went home, opened my computer, and set to work with the same intensity I had given my occupation for the past two years.
I was amazed by the new realm of knowledge I discovered. I found a plethora of information regarding the specifics necessary in a legally binding document, and soon realized the contract I had signed was not a real contract; it was a form designed to intimidate workers from seeking alternative employment in the same industry. My first thought reflected on how grateful I was to be able to discern this information, and my second wondered how many people had fallen for this trick in the past. The idea enraged me, and I promised myself never to be uninformed again. Over the next few weeks as I read and learned more, I realized how very little I knew about the law. This impromptu enlightenment fueled my desire to arm myself with the knowledge necessary to protect myself and others from being taken advantage of in the future. I wanted to ensure others did not fall for the same type of ploy I had so narrowly averted.
This event in my life initially caused my focus to be directed primarily at contract and business law, and my undergraduate studies in economics have only emphasized this attraction. However, work experience has opened my eyes to other areas such as intellectual property, patent and professional liability law. I do not see the law degree as an end, but as a tool to be used in pursuit of future goals. A large part of me seeks to aid those without a legal education protect themselves from an often-predatory society; the other is looking for the intellectual challenge absent in so many other areas of study, but present in legal doctrine and argument. The events in my career as well as my personal thirst for knowledge have directed my interests and passion toward the legal field, and therefore your esteemed institution. Law school would be a challenge for anyone, but I have the skills, dedication and personal ambition necessary to succeed.




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