Last draft...maybe. Please rip me a new one

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JLJ
Posts: 33
Joined: Sat Sep 19, 2009 6:14 pm

Last draft...maybe. Please rip me a new one

Postby JLJ » Fri Jan 07, 2011 1:37 am

Here is what i have so far. Tell me what you think about the subject in general. Does it seem to much like a resume time line? Thanks



Do you remember the last time you were at home on a Saturday morning? Maybe you were sitting down at the kitchen table reading the morning paper when you heard an unexpected knock on your front door. While peering through the window you saw a young stranger wearing a polo shirt and hat, clipboard in hand. Did you answer the door? Send your kids to tell the stranger you were busy? Or did you duck down and pretend that you were not at home? For the past five summers I have been the stranger on the other side of that door.

Growing up, I never went out of my way to meet new people or even approach the people that I knew. I was a wall-clinger, preferring to keep to myself and let others come to me. I viewed my social trepidation as a weakness. I realized that the ability to approach strangers and help them feel at ease (while feeling at ease myself) was a key to success in most professions. In order to get off the “wall,” I took a summer sales job between semesters at college which required me to knock on the doors of strangers virtually all day, six days a week.

Pushing my boundaries even further, I moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where the only person I knew was the office manager. In the beginning, my sales skills struggled as I was terrified each time I tried to force communication. Our manager kept a score board on the office wall to track each employee’s total sales. I hated seeing my name at the bottom. I hated that even more than I feared talking with strangers. I started to wake up earlier each day to study the manual, read sales books, and watch training videos. After a lot of effort to learn, and much practice, I was finally able to let go of the wall I had been clinging to and, over the course of the summer, my name moved to the very top of the scoreboard.

The following summer I went to Tampa, Florida. I concluded the summer with a different goal in mind. I not only wanted to lead the office in sales, I wanted to lead the sales team. It was apparent that I had more to learn if I was going to succeed as a leader.

Over the next eight months I put together a sales team of my own. I recruited and trained each member before the summer started, then took them all eastward to New Jersey. Spirits were high and the team was fueled by a naive confidence. Many of my team members were childhood friends and they trusted me implicitly. Along with such trust came a tremendous amount of pressure on me to help them succeed. My true test as a leader came during the first two weeks of work. We started much slower than I was anticipating, and some team members began showing signs of pessimism, which is a cancer for any sales team. Many had never travelled so far from home or worked fifty-plus hours a week. These factors, combined with the general lack of hospitality given to any door-to-door sales person, left some team members wanting to get themselves to the nearest airport rather than the next door.
Morale was very low and a dark cloud was looming over our daily correlation meetings. Friendships began to strain, and I came close to breaking down. I started to take individuals out early to help them on the doors. I sat down with each team member to allow them to share their frustrations and try to re-kindle their ambitions by refocusing on their summer goals. We decided to provide morning activities to build a stronger team and mix some fun in with the work. After much hard work, my team eventually pulled out of the slump and ultimately ended the summer in the top ten of over one hundred sales offices. New Jersey taught me the importance of having confidence and optimism, especially when times are bleak. I also learned the value of a team you trust and rely on, and I learned that through hard work and determination most problems can be conquered. Since that summer I have lead successful teams in San Antonio and Knoxville, each year facing and overcoming different problems.

I have learned much from these past summers. But, I have a new goal in mind, and it is time to move on. I have now determined to pursue a law degree. My ability to communicate complex issues and establish trust with strangers will be an asset as a future lawyer. I believe the leadership skills I have developed will help me succeed. I am self driven. I have learned the value and rewards of hard work. I have learned not to be a quitter. My experience with people from diverse parts of the country and various social classes has given me an open perspective. Through hard work and a strong determination I believe I will be an asset to Brigham Young University as both a student and future alumni.

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kitmitzi
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: Last draft...maybe. Please rip me a new one

Postby kitmitzi » Fri Jan 07, 2011 4:26 pm


Do you remember the last time you were at home on a Saturday morning? Maybe you were sitting down at the kitchen table reading the morning paper when you heard an unexpected knock on your front door. While peering through the window you saw a young stranger wearing a polo shirt and hat, clipboard in hand. Did you answer the door? Send your kids to tell the stranger you were busy? Or did you duck down and pretend that you were not at home? For the past five summers I have been the stranger on the other side of that door.


I would change this whole introduction. Personally, my answer to every hypothetical you asked is no. You seem to be expecting everyone on the admissions committee to have this experience. And that they're all middle class, live in the suburbs, and are married with children.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: Last draft...maybe. Please rip me a new one

Postby LSATclincher » Sat Jan 08, 2011 3:17 pm

Agreed w/ the above. Cut the intro. But I really liked the PS as a whole. It shows exactly what you accomplished and reveals who you are. My only problem: Why not a MBA? It's less time, and more secure now. Your PS would seemingly lead adcomms to ask, ok so why should we admit this person? And that is bad.

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berto24
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Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2010 6:07 pm

Re: Last draft...maybe. Please rip me a new one

Postby berto24 » Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:45 pm

Change the intro. Also revisit the last paragraph; play with the wording and sentence structure. It might be able to flow a little better. Good overall.

JLJ
Posts: 33
Joined: Sat Sep 19, 2009 6:14 pm

Re: Last draft...maybe. Please rip me a new one

Postby JLJ » Sat Jan 08, 2011 7:09 pm

Thanks for the feedback. Anyone else?

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Michaela
Posts: 183
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:20 am

Re: Last draft...maybe. Please rip me a new one

Postby Michaela » Wed Jan 12, 2011 1:20 am

kitmitzi wrote:
And that they're all middle class, live in the suburbs, and are married with children.


Pretty sure the adcomm at BYU all are though...

Just saying. Write for your audience?




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