Addendum - Please Critique harshly

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
OreoLiciouzBooks
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Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2011 1:20 am

Addendum - Please Critique harshly

Postby OreoLiciouzBooks » Fri Jan 07, 2011 1:26 am

I feel like I really opened up on this one...please critique..thank you very much for taking your time and helping me out :-)

During my first few years of college, I did not perform to my full potential. As my student record indicates, I dropped a total of six courses from the second semester of my freshman year to the first semester of my junior year. During this period, I was pursuing a career in music and considered dropping out of school many times. Deep inside of me I had no intentions of graduating but remained in school knowing that not doing so would bring my family immense disappointment. This time in my life is as valuable to me as the period from my second semester of my junior year to my entire senior year where I devoted myself to my studies and achieved a grade point average of 3.878 and managed to remain on the Dean's List for three consecutive semester. The sudden shift in direction came towards the end of the first semester of my junior year, where my perspective on life began to change and I began realized the importance of education in my life. Through education I was able to learn many life lessons I didn't learn from a father figure and ultimately grow as a human being, something I felt, music didn't offer me.

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sreichel
Posts: 152
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 5:36 pm

Re: Addendum - Please Critique harshly

Postby sreichel » Fri Jan 07, 2011 1:54 pm

OreoLiciouzBooks wrote:I feel like I really opened up on this one...please critique..thank you very much for taking your time and helping me out :-)

During my first few years of college, I did not perform to my full potential. As my student record indicates, I dropped a total of six courses from the second semester of my freshman year to the first semester of my junior year. During this period, I was pursuing a career in music and considered dropping out of school many times. Deep inside of me I had no intentions of graduating but remained in school knowing that not doing so would bring my family immense disappointment. This time in my life is as valuable to me as the period from my second semester of my junior year to my entire senior year where I devoted myself to my studies and achieved a grade point average of 3.878 and managed to remain on the Dean's List for three consecutive semester. The sudden shift in direction came towards the end of the first semester of my junior year, where my should be "of my junior year when my"perspective on life began to change and I began realized delete "began"the importance of education in my life. Through education I was able to learn many life lessons I didn't learn from a father figure and ultimately grow as a human being, something I felt, music didn't offer me.


Feels like in the last sentence you're throwing in "and I didn't have a father". What lesson did you learn that focused your attention on your studies again? What caused the "sudden change"

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kitmitzi
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: Addendum - Please Critique harshly

Postby kitmitzi » Fri Jan 07, 2011 4:20 pm

OreoLiciouzBooks wrote:I feel like I really opened up on this one...please critique..thank you very much for taking your time and helping me out :-)

During my first few years of college, I did not perform to my full potential. As my student record indicates, I dropped a total of six courses from the second semester of my freshman year to the first semester of my junior year. During this period, I was pursuing a career in music and considered dropping out of school many times. Deep inside of me I had no intentions of graduating but remained in school knowing that not doing so would bring my family immense disappointment. This time in my life is as valuable to me as the period from my second semester of my junior year to my entire senior year where I devoted myself to my studies and achieved a grade point average of 3.878 and managed to remain on the Dean's List for three consecutive semesters. The sudden shift in direction came towards the end of the first semester of my junior year, where my should be "of my junior year when my"perspective on life began to change and I began realized delete "began"the importance of education in my life. Through education I was able to learn many life lessons I didn't learn from a father figure and ultimately grow as a human being, something I felt, music didn't offer me.


Also, it's kind of long-winded. Do you have to make it this long? Too much to read. Just quickly explain your lower grades and how you were considering dropping out, had a change of heart, and killed academically ever since.




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