2nd Draft--PLEASE CRITIQUE--Sensitive topic, apps out asap!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
KHM101010
Posts: 17
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 10:20 pm

2nd Draft--PLEASE CRITIQUE--Sensitive topic, apps out asap!

Postby KHM101010 » Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:43 pm

Hi All,

PLEASE critique my essay! I had to take a break from editing my essay and only have a short time frame before I send out my apps this week. When I read it, I see a lot that needs to be fixed but I really need the criticism to help me focus on the problematic areas. Please rip it apart, grammar, structure, story, and all!

Thanks a million.


-------
Deleted.
Last edited by KHM101010 on Sat Jan 08, 2011 2:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mala2
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: 2nd Draft--PLEASE CRITIQUE--Sensitive topic, apps out asap!

Postby mala2 » Fri Jan 07, 2011 12:48 am

I'm not a PS expert, still struggling on my own. As a reader I would say you have a good start but I would change some things. BTW I love Morocco, lived in Ifrane for awhile

-Message gets a little negative at times, no one wants to admit a sick girl, focus on improvements and how you live productively with your disease
-to me, your brother's cancer seems added on, and takes focus off you. I don't know if I'm right on this one, but I would take that out, or minimize it.
-Definitely take out the second to last sentence about saving less fortunate women than yourself. If I was an admissions officer that would annoy me. I hate it when people act better than other people. Unless you relate that sentiment with concrete action you have done and put yourself on the same level as the people you want to 'help' it sounds arrogant. just imo though

KHM101010
Posts: 17
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 10:20 pm

Re: 2nd Draft--PLEASE CRITIQUE--Sensitive topic, apps out asap!

Postby KHM101010 » Fri Jan 07, 2011 1:05 am

Thanks alot I really appreciate it.

I was considering taking out the part of my brother since, you're right, it does take off focus. I think I just wanted to emphasize why there were so many distractions at that point in my undergrad (I had a noticeable dip in grades). I don't mean for the last part to sound arrogant. Since my dilemma, I've helped a few women get out of abusive (in all terms of abuse), out of their relationships to gain security. I just meant that I would like to continue to help others. I'll find another way to word it so that it doesn't sound arrogant.

I'm not sure how else I can portray my disease. I wanted to mention that I am in remission now but the reality of it is that I was very sick and there was a time where it was not under control. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could possibly reword that?

Again, thanks so much. I really appreciate it.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.