Last Version of PS - Please Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
starbucksjunkie
Posts: 35
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 5:25 pm

Last Version of PS - Please Critique

Postby starbucksjunkie » Wed Jan 05, 2011 10:36 pm

Ugh. I keep going over this while waiting for my LSAT score. Please let me know if anyone has any suggestions or critiques for this final version of my PS

Though I had been pulled out of the day’s last class by my guidance counselor, I wasn’t alarmed. I had seen a lot of her lately because of my disruptiveness and lack of performance. I reminded myself that there was only another week of 9th grade left as I slumped onto Mrs. Delaney’s couch. I sighed, presuming I would be forced to endure another lecture. When she sat next to me to inform me of the death of Julie, my best friend, I either misheard or what is more likely, subconsciously constructed an alternate reality to buy myself an additional fraction of a moment before my world shattered. Disoriented, I had risen to leave. I had promised to take Julie’s assignments home so she wouldn’t get behind. I didn’t begin to comprehend until Mrs. Delaney grasped my arms and held me still, thrusting me into the harshness of reality.

My grief was compounded by guilt and denial. My fear of alienating Julie and my other friends had dissuaded me from voicing my concerns over her spiraling depression and increasingly risky behavior. I had confronted Julie about the cuts on her wrists, only to back down after I received hostile responses from another circle of friends. A week later, she had taken her own life. Though I had not known of other attempts, I felt responsible due to my serious error in judgment. Instead of saying something to anyone, I had dismissed my intuition and allowed my fear of reprisals to override the evidence of her intent. Though we re-located that summer and I was eager to begin 10th grade with a fresh start, but culpability had not diminished. I was a shell of anger that resented the going on of the world around me.

The unexpected turning point of my life came after a presentation about the dangers of drunk driving approximately 6 months later. The speaker had served jail time for an accident that killed his two passengers while intoxicated. His despair and enthusiasm for telling his story strongly resonated with me. I thought if he could re-deem himself by sharing the lowest, most painful moments of his life to make a positive change, why couldn’t I? By channeling my newfound appreciation for the fragility of life and the painful lesson I had learned into something positive, I was finally able to begin healing.

It is lamentable that it was these circumstances that acted as a catalyst for my metamorphosis from an aimless underachiever to a professional willing to take risks and be noticed. With my mission to create positive outcomes, I became financially savvy, worked my way through school, and graduated without any debt. The capability to influence others with my story prompted me to assume leadership roles, particularly with Project Upward Bound and the Admissions department. I was motivated to guide young men and women through the profound transition from high school to college. I even persuaded my mother to go back to school to finish her degree. Some of my most meaningful experiences came from advocating for the LGBT rights and workplace violence prevention. After I learned to trust my judgment and use my voice to lead my education took me down paths I never imagined.

As I matured and learned more about suicide prevention, I have come to understand that my feelings of guilt and anger are normal reactions to suicide and at 15-years-old, I wasn’t responsible. Though I still wonder what could have been had I had the voice I have now. My loss gives me a developed intuition and compassion for guiding people through some of the most difficult times of their lives. A legal education offers me the opportunity to further explore my potential and reach new heights of achievement and fulfillment. As a lawyer, I would have a greater ability and obligation to act upon the issues I care about such as employment law. My drive and desire to play a part in the social advancement of my community is what brings me to approach XXXX for admission. I would be an asset to XXXX’s program by offering my unique perspective through my demonstrated work ethic, activism, and ingenuity to see beyond a single accepted interpretation of a problem and instead see a limitless universe of solutions and possibilities.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: Last Version of PS - Please Critique

Postby LSATclincher » Wed Jan 05, 2011 10:53 pm

Edits below. Though it might look like a radical change, I believe change is needed. I love your intro para. Tough life event there. But then what? I'm sure you were feeling quite bad for some time. But then tell us how you bounced back. I love your accomplishments. That para is great. But tell us a bit more. And really think long and hard about why law? Covert your accomplishments into tangible actions that translate to the legal field. Then conclude on a general level. "This is who I am. And this is what I will bring to the legal profession.

You seem to have plenty of material to tell a convincing story. You just need to find that passion in your writing Good luck!


starbucksjunkie wrote:Ugh. I keep going over this while waiting for my LSAT score. Please let me know if anyone has any suggestions or critiques for this final version of my PS

When my 9th grade teacher announced the death of Julie, my best friend, I did not begin to comprehend it until Mrs. Delaney grasped my arms and held me still, thrusting me into the harshness of reality. My grief was compounded by guilt and denial. My fear of alienating Julie and my other friends had dissuaded me from voicing my concerns over her spiraling depression and increasingly risky behavior. I confronted Julie about the cuts on her wrists, only to back down after I received hostile responses from another circle of friends. A week later, Julie committed suicide. I felt responsible.

(Insert short, direct transition para of how you bounced back)

With my mission to create positive outcomes, I became financially savvy, worked my way through school, and graduated without any debt. The capability to influence others with my story prompted me to assume leadership roles, particularly with Project Upward Bound and the Admissions department. I was motivated to guide young men and women through the profound transition from high school to college. I even persuaded my mother to go back to school to finish her degree. Some of my most meaningful experiences came from advocating for the LGBT rights and workplace violence prevention. After I learned to trust my judgment and use my voice to lead my education took me down paths I never imagined. (re-word sentence)

(expound upon your accomplishments to transition into why law?)

(final conclusion para of what you will bring to the legal profession)





Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.