Close to final draft. Did I connect all the dots? Forum
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Lady_In_Red
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm
Close to final draft. Did I connect all the dots?
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Last edited by Lady_In_Red on Sun Jan 09, 2011 5:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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LSATclincher
- Posts: 476
- Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm
Re: Close to final draft. Did I connect all the dots?
I thought this was written a bit too articulate. I'd stick with clear, concise words that an 8th grader could understand.
Para 1 is a nice anecdote, but it's way too long. The first sentence made me quite uncomfortable. I thought you killed someone! Keep the purpose of this para, but cut it in half.
Para 2 is a nice transition. I thought the language should be dumbed down a bit. I also thought it needed a bit more content.
Para 3 is a nice extension para. But I felt you short-changed your dad here. He's just thrown in, and seems to appear out of nowhere.
Para 4 I love. This is a nice progression of you as a human.
Para 5 I hated. Never end a piece with a conclusion indicator. You seem to refer back to para 1 just because you want it tie back in. And you throw a quick blurb about law.
This is a nice story, and with some tweaks, I think you're done. You tell a story of growth in terms of life and in terms of development. It's clear you worked this many times.
Para 1 is a nice anecdote, but it's way too long. The first sentence made me quite uncomfortable. I thought you killed someone! Keep the purpose of this para, but cut it in half.
Para 2 is a nice transition. I thought the language should be dumbed down a bit. I also thought it needed a bit more content.
Para 3 is a nice extension para. But I felt you short-changed your dad here. He's just thrown in, and seems to appear out of nowhere.
Para 4 I love. This is a nice progression of you as a human.
Para 5 I hated. Never end a piece with a conclusion indicator. You seem to refer back to para 1 just because you want it tie back in. And you throw a quick blurb about law.
This is a nice story, and with some tweaks, I think you're done. You tell a story of growth in terms of life and in terms of development. It's clear you worked this many times.
