Deleted by author. Thanks everyone!

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Deleted by author. Thanks everyone!

Postby LAWLADI2011 » Tue Jan 04, 2011 8:29 pm

Last edited by LAWLADI2011 on Fri Jun 10, 2011 8:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Posts: 103
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Re: 3rd Draft..Should I rewrite?

Postby chihuahua12 » Tue Jan 04, 2011 8:51 pm

I think you still have a lot of editing to do.

Your first sentence is needlessly descriptive. It's good to paint a picture for your reader, but you don't end up detailing your living conditions enough to warrant such a description, nor do you cite your living conditions, your father's job loss or depression as your reasons for pursuing law.

Your timeline is confusing. I understand what you're saying, but you should make it crystal clear. You say "at 29" but it's not clear if you're talking about you or your father. If the reader is to assume it's you, it gets very confusing when you right after talk about being 17. Later you talk about something that happened 5 years later and then 9 years after that. If you are 29 now then it doesn't add up. If you mean 9 years after your split with your family, say 4 years later/after that (since this comes after your 5 year jump).

You don't spend enough time talking about how being a lesbian has contributed to your decision to pursue law. The connection between your academic achievements, the burden of having to work during college and your father' job loss don't connect with you being a lesbian and breaking ties with your family. You should elaborate more on the "choices" your parents gave you. Also, the statement about you coming out came out of nowhere. If that's going to be the basis for your decision to go to law school, it should flow throughout your PS.

The tone of your essay isn't clear. Are you proud of your achievements or are you sad over your family? The relationship with your parents (when they were a part of your life) isn't clear either. How did they feel when you had to support them? What kind of relationship did you have before your father lost his job? Why did you come out to your mother first? There are way too many unanswered questions. This reads a lot more like a summary biography than a personal statement.

Hope any of this is helpful to you and good luck!

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Re: 3rd Draft..Should I rewrite?

Postby LSATclincher » Tue Jan 04, 2011 9:39 pm

I'd stick with the sexuality theme. Schools appear to love this stuff. But I'd cut out your father's mental history. That stuff is biological, and it could really give a bad impression to the adcomms who are considering you as a candidate for 3yrs of intense education.

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