seeking feed back on PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
happyhippo
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2011 6:33 pm

seeking feed back on PS

Postby happyhippo » Tue Jan 04, 2011 8:11 pm

thanks everyone
Last edited by happyhippo on Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: seeking feed back on PS

Postby LSATclincher » Tue Jan 04, 2011 9:47 pm

I think it's a nice starting point. It's certainly a good school-specific statement if the school has a good program. I'd be hesitant sending this out to general schools though. It's very difficult to say what type of law you want to get into, especially in this economy. I doubt many will be able to pick and choose an industry out of school.

But I understand your connection of music and law. It just needs some clearer language. At times, you seemed to throw out adjectives just because. Focus on telling "how music has shaped my _________ by me doing ______" type of piece.

Good luck!

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fundamentallybroken
Posts: 663
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 11:52 am

Re: seeking feed back on PS

Postby fundamentallybroken » Wed Jan 05, 2011 1:56 am

Good starting point - you really hooked me in (which doesn't happen very often!)

A couple of things:

1. Too long. Almost all schools want a PS no more than two pages, double spaced. Right now, you're at ~3.

2. Language needs a lot of clean up (i.e., "My obsession of music" should probably be "My obsession with music".) Also, get rid of all your unnecessary words to shorten it up - we don't necessarily need to know that you were gripping a specific kind of wand or mallet, just saying that your hands were sweating will suffice.

3. Get rid of all your passive voice. Instead of phrases like "I had played so and so for x number of years" try "I played so and so for x number of years."

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MrSparkle
Posts: 154
Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:06 pm

Re: seeking feed back on PS

Postby MrSparkle » Wed Jan 05, 2011 3:38 am

The first paragraph is the best. I like the "gripping" image, I'd leave it in.

The rest of it is generally written OK, but it loses my interest. You start talking ABOUT how music affected you, and you start telling and not showing. Keep us in the moment. I'd transition directly from that orchestra experience into your work in industry, again, keeping us in the moment.

Good topic though.




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