Advice would be appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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beidoun
Posts: 196
Joined: Tue Jan 26, 2010 11:27 am

Advice would be appreciated

Postby beidoun » Tue Jan 04, 2011 12:31 pm

The leaflets that dropped down on our borough left nothing to the imagination. The first week of war was coming to an end and hope was beginning to drift. Earlier that week, summer at my family’s Beirut loft had been moving along smoothly, with a lavish birthday celebration arranged for my nineteenth birthday. The morning commenced with bewildering news of two civilians left dead at the border after a dispute between soldiers. Midday was filled with birthday cake, laughter, and music, yet fear lingered. The end of the day pronounced the birth of a war and immense buzz around Beirut.
A week later, hundreds were dead, thousands were injured, and buildings were merely a distant memory. The beautiful Beirut skyline had evaporated into a dusty steam. As days passed and attacks neared, the moonless sky filled with chatter. Thoughts of my mother’s childhood home, destroyed on the first set of attacks, drove me into a state of anguish. A nightmare was in play, as darkness crept, the sounds around my loft evoked images of the Fourth of July. With the fireworks getting louder as the moments passed, the painful realization of death was beginning to set in. Before, I imagined only a genuine love or an extravagant beauty could make time stand still, but my appraisal was clearly false. Instead, it was misery that accomplished the task. As I stood on my balcony watching the midnight sky, life was motionless.
My prior assumption led me to believe I would be overwhelmed with terror as my death was on the horizon. But there is something tranquil about death when misery is the only option. Even though I was distraught over dying young, contemplating the time I wish I had would squander my last moments. After my initial shock and despair, I stood idle in serenity, conscious of the sand in the hourglass, when everything in my life came into perspective. The divine and the awful of my existence played back to me like a slideshow. The feeling of hopelessness consumed me. As the emotions of my forthcoming death came to an apex, the purpose of my life ultimately became evident. The desperation that occupied my body and mind was a feeling all too regular for some. For those individuals, my dedication to assisting them cope with the aforementioned sensation has become a staple in my life.
The attack on my town lasted for two days. The fireworks were over, and my initial acceptance of death was premature. As we left the bomb shelter to flee for safety, I could not help but look back at what just occurred. My involuntary seminar on life came to a screeching halt and time was right to look at my notes. My life, while rewarding, did not fulfill the intention of my reality. With my existence flashing before my eyes, I learned lessons that have since dictated my path.
With my renewed sense of purpose and vibrant attitude, I returned to school seeking fulfillment. The impressions from the battle that preceded my school year lingered on, while the aftermath of the hostilities I left behind preoccupied my thoughts. With my mind brimming, I undertook the efforts of relief and awareness for war victims from Lebanon. By collaborating with organizations across campus, I created and directed an event called Dance for Peace, to raise relief funds for victims of war in the Middle East. Becoming an annual campus event, Dance for Peace is a mainstay on the calendar and the most successful event in my school’s history. Every year the event caters to different situations, based on current events around the world. My participation in relief and awareness for victims of war has enabled me to branch out to helping the less fortunate. Additionally, I have been involved in a variety of non-profit organizations, which have multiplied my passion for civic engagement.
The evening when I stood out on the balcony continues to cross my mind, replaying like a black and white movie. The midnight sky, which burns in my memory, reinforces my appreciation for the opportunities I have. The miserable feelings, as time stood still, have allowed me one of the greatest gifts in life. The gift of the burning desire for public service has allowed me to flourish and improve myself constantly.
The enthusiasm to fulfill my purpose in life has led to numerous accomplishments and has driven me to reach for the summit. The feeling of hopelessness constantly serves as motivation to help those less fortunate. To continue my educational aspirations, I believe that obtaining a Jurist Doctorate is the greatest step in my life in order to satisfy my ambitions and fulfill my destiny. Assisting the disadvantaged is the only way to suffice my endless thirst for a call to serve. With a law degree from XXXX, my personal experiences, and a competitive track and drive for producing sustained results, I will be enabled to continue to serve the underprivileged and exemplify the impact I am capable of making.

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doppelganger
Posts: 125
Joined: Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:27 am

Re: Advice would be appreciated

Postby doppelganger » Tue Jan 04, 2011 12:34 pm

Riveting from the start yet finishes in a professional tone. Don't know what to add to that. I would let you in!

krad
Posts: 1897
Joined: Mon Sep 13, 2010 10:33 am

Re: Advice would be appreciated

Postby krad » Tue Jan 04, 2011 12:41 pm

beidoun wrote:With a law degree from XXXX, my personal experiences, and a competitive track and drive for producing sustained results, I will be enabled to continue to serve the underprivileged and exemplify the impact I am capable of making.


Do not include "School XXX" at the end unless you are going to work the school more into the PS. It is tacky and obviously added on, and I would advise against it.

There are a few grandiose words/sentences spread throughout that I might change as well, but I liked the overall content! Intense life there. Best of luck to you :)




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