New Draft of PS - Brutal Critiques Welcomed!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
starbucksjunkie
Posts: 35
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 5:25 pm

New Draft of PS - Brutal Critiques Welcomed!

Postby starbucksjunkie » Mon Jan 03, 2011 11:02 pm

Hi everyone!

If anyone has time to look over this revised personal statement and provide any insight or critiques, I would be grateful.

Don't know if it is relevant, but I am a French Canadian with a green card now so I didn't play up the international student thing, cuz that would be pretentious to pretend coming from Canada was a culture shock or something. French Canadians don't have such a good rep here anyway. My GPA was 3.78 in business so I didn't want to reiterate that I worked hard in college. I graduated 3 years ago, and wanted to focus on what I'm doing now, not achievements 7 years ago.


I was not predestined to be a leader or an educator, much less an attorney. My education was fraught with interruptions and obstacles due to poverty, several re-locations, and abuse. My father’s struggles with addiction, anger, and chronic unemployment created a dysfunctional upbringing. As an adolescent, I embraced the victim mentality of my peers by acting out, engaging in risky behaviors, and underperforming in school. Within the last month of ninth grade, I lost two of my closest friends, one to drunk driving and the other to suicide. Suddenly, the inevitability of my death by continuing a course of self-destructive behaviors became undeniable. I realized the need to turn my life around and seized the opportunity to re-invent myself as a university student in the United States.

My college experience was the catalyst for my metamorphosis from an aimless underachiever to a professional willing to take risks and be noticed. After achieving all “A”s my first semester, I realized I could take charge of my life and become the first in my family to earn a bachelor’s degree. I became financially savvy, worked my way through school, and graduated without any debt. The capability to influence and educate others with my story prompted me to assume leadership roles, particularly with Project Upward Bound and the Admissions department. Motivated to guide young men and women through the profound transition from high school to college, I learned about faith and persistence. I encountered many students that were skeptical of their potential but I consistently advocated an education’s capacity to break barriers and eliminate superficial labels. I even persuaded my mother to go back to school to finish her degree. My undergraduate work prepared me to develop and execute a two-day Workplace Violence Prevention program after being inspired a research paper and an adverted incident at my university.

My passion to create safer, more efficient workplaces that reflect America’s diversity inspired me to found a professional development company that serves the Greater Cleveland Area. My decision to go into business for myself while working full-time and later expand it into my full-time occupation renewed my desire to purse a legal education. I consider laws and regulations in order to develop programs that establish functional business relationships and protect both business leaders and employees, but my interpretation is limited. I gain satisfaction in analyzing and implementing solutions in demanding, emotionally-charged environments, I am unchallenged. Much of my skill for detailed research and writing is untapped. My intrinsic desire for mediating the needs of businesses and public is confined. My experiences and unfulfilled desires have culminated in my commitment to a career as an attorney that translates visions into reality.

My undergraduate education has taken me down paths I never imagined. A legal education offers me the opportunity to further explore my potential and reach new heights of achievement and fulfillment. My drive and desire to play a part in the social advancement of my community is what brings me to approach XXXX College of Law School for admission. As a lawyer, I would have a greater ability and obligation to act upon the issues I care about including business and employment law. I could provide new level of guidance and support to my community. I would be an asset to XXXX program, with its diverse course offerings and opportunities, by offering my unique perspective through my demonstrated work ethic, penchant for participation, and ingenuity to see beyond a single accepted interpretation of a problem and instead see a limitless universe of solutions and possibilities.

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DamnLSAT
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 3:14 pm

Re: New Draft of PS - Brutal Critiques Welcomed!

Postby DamnLSAT » Mon Jan 03, 2011 11:13 pm

I was not predestined to be a leader or an educator, much less an attorney. My education was fraught with interruptions and obstacles due to poverty, several re-locations(I don't like relocations... perhaps moves?), and abuse. My father’s struggles with addiction, anger, and chronic unemployment created a dysfunctional upbringing. As an adolescent, I embraced the victim mentality of my peers by acting out, engaging in risky behaviors, and underperforming in school. Within the last month of ninth grade, I lost two of my closest friends, one to drunk driving and the other to suicide. Suddenly, the inevitability of my death by continuing a course of self-destructive behaviors became undeniable. I realized the need to turn my life around and seized the opportunity to re-invent myself as a university student in the United States.( I would put something earlier that informs us that you are not from the US before this line)

My college experience was the catalyst for my metamorphosis from an aimless underachiever to a professional willing to take risks and be noticed. After achieving all “A”s my first semester(don't like this, sounds pretentious), I realized I could take charge of my life and become the first in my family to earn a bachelor’s degree. I became financially savvy, worked my way through school, and graduated without any debt. The capability to influence and educate others with my story prompted me to assume leadership roles, particularly with Project Upward Bound and the Admissions department. Motivated to guide young men and women through the profound transition from high school to college, I learned about faith and persistence. I encountered many students that were skeptical of their potential but I consistently advocated an education’s capacity to break barriers and eliminate superficial labels. I even persuaded my mother to go back to school to finish her degree. My undergraduate work prepared me to develop and execute a two-day Workplace Violence Prevention program after being inspired a research paper and an adverted(adverted seems out of place - like you used the thesaurus) incident at my university.

My passion to create safer, more efficient workplaces that reflect America’s diversity inspired me to found a professional development company that serves the Greater Cleveland Area. My decision to go into business for myself while working full-time and later expand it into my full-time occupation renewed my desire to purse a legal education. I consider laws and regulations in order to develop programs that establish functional business relationships and protect both business leaders and employees, but my interpretation is limited. I gain satisfaction in analyzing and implementing solutions in demanding, emotionally-charged environments, I am unchallenged(broken sentence... have no idea what you are saying). Much of my skill for detailed research and writing is untapped. My intrinsic desire for mediating the needs of businesses and public is confined. My experiences and unfulfilled desires have culminated in my commitment to a career as an attorney that translates visions into reality.

My undergraduate education has taken me down paths I never imagined. A legal education offers me the opportunity to further explore my potential and reach new heights of achievement and fulfillment. My drive and desire to play a part in the social advancement of my community is what brings me to approach XXXX College of Law School for admissionI don't like "approach"... consider is a bit better IMO, or maybe something more active like "yearn". As a lawyer, I wouldwill, not would have a greater ability and obligation to act upon the issues I care about including business and employment law. I could canprovide new level of guidance and support to my community. I wouldwill be an asset to XXXX program, with its diverse course offerings and opportunities(fluff line... speak of something specific or lose the sentence, by offering my unique perspective through my demonstrated work ethic, penchant for participation, and ingenuity to see beyond a single accepted interpretation of a problem and instead see a limitless universe of solutions and possibilities.[/quote]

Overall, I think this is a good PS. I think you should try to rework the structure of the essay since I felt the story was fragmented along the way. I like the angle and the progression, but I think it be improved by removing some unnecessary info lines and streamlining your point. GOOD LUCK! Wish you the best




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