PS critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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bport hopeful
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PS critique

Postby bport hopeful » Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:43 pm

Here are my disclaimers.
-I wrote this quickly and havn't even read it for a second time to proof read
-I have never faced adversity
-I don't think I have had any extremely significant moments in my life
-I have never considered myself to be a very good writer

I feel like a lot of the sentences are a little awkward and that it might be a bit preachy at parts. But I guess most are a little bit. Anyway, here it is.


“How is school going? What are you studying?” I had come to expect questions like these when returning home from college, and honestly, I hated it. I did not avoid this question because I was doing poorly or because I was unhappy with what I was studying. The real problem was that most people were not quite sure what to make of a BS degree in political science, and for the first year of my undergraduate studies, I tended to share these views.
For a long time, I questioned the usefulness of my course work. I knew that I wanted to attend law school coming out of high school, and even though I found politics interesting, I did not think that knowing why the Soviets disbanded the Comintern brought me any closer to my goal. I suppose I just saw Undergraduate work as a necessary hoop to jump through on my way to law school. For me, this was a disheartening thought that caused me to gain a slight disinterest for my schooling.
Salvation came to me in a sidetracked professor’s lecture. While discussing the forces that influenced American political movements, a somewhat off topic question arose. Someone had commented on how their degree lacked utility. I was intrigued by the comment because I held the same concerns. My professor stopped class to address this student’s apprehension. He explained to us that a liberal arts degree is not vocational in the sense that we will learn information that will be applied to a career, but that we are becoming thinkers. He believed that one should spend their undergraduate career exercising their brain while building logical and reasoning skills. This explanation of my education truly resonated with me. I realized that I was not just jumping through hoops on my way to law school; I was training myself, so when I got to law school I would be ready for it.
This realization not only brought validity to my education, but also altered how I approached it. I decided that if I was going to exercise my thinking skills, then I would try to introduce myself to as many different kinds of thought as possible. As a result, I added a second major in philosophy and two minors; one in history and one in international studies. I greatly believe that this additional course work was extremely beneficial. I believe that my intellectual, logical, and discursive abilities have grown significantly over the last three and a half years.
While sharpening my brain, I began to study philosophy and found that law was not just an interest of mine, but what I consider to be a noble institution symbolized by dignified work. Over the last several years, my studies in philosophy have caused me to think about what is important to me and what makes life significant. For me, the most important aspect of live is free will. Free will gives meaning to life as each person is in control of their own decisions. I believe that with this power comes a great amount of responsibility; that is over their actions. I see law as something to encourage people to use this power responsibly. For me, there is no greater work than working to uphold the law.
My undergraduate studies were extremely important to me. I believe that they allowed me to flourish intellectually and grow as a person. They also equipped me with the tools to excel in the future, as well as the passion to stay driven while I achieve my goals.

ixwad
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Re: PS critique

Postby ixwad » Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:51 pm

Is the "BS" in the first paragraph intentionally ambiguous?

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bport hopeful
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Re: PS critique

Postby bport hopeful » Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:56 pm

haha no but I wish it were. Someone suggested to me that I write out Bachelor of Science.

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bport hopeful
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Re: PS critique

Postby bport hopeful » Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:25 pm

Also, I think that it may sound awfully negative to talk about how I thought that school was not useful.

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ach24
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Re: PS critique

Postby ach24 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:55 pm

.
Last edited by ach24 on Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

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bport hopeful
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Re: PS critique

Postby bport hopeful » Sun Jan 02, 2011 9:02 pm

Well in the beggining I talk about how I thought it was just a "necessary hoop" to jump through. I think that this shows that I just saw it as something I had to do, but without real utility. Then I mention a realization that changes my views on UG and how I grew from this. Then I discuss my philisophic views and how LS makes sense based on these views. I think that I discuss how Ive seen my UG in two different lights. But ill read it again and try and see what youre saying. Things always make more sense when you write them.

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ach24
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Re: PS critique

Postby ach24 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 11:53 pm

.
Last edited by ach24 on Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

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bport hopeful
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Re: PS critique

Postby bport hopeful » Sun Jan 02, 2011 11:59 pm

Good advice. Do you think that if I wrote "A high school business law class had shown me that I wanted to go to law school." that way I would show where it started, and then later I discuss where a deeper passion for it came from.

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DamnLSAT
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Re: PS critique

Postby DamnLSAT » Mon Jan 03, 2011 1:20 am

“How is school going? What are you studying?” I had come to expect questions like these when returning home from college, and honestly, I hated it."them" I did not avoid this question because I was doing poorly or because I was unhappy with what I was studying. The real problem was that most people were not quite sure what to make of a BSJust say B.S. instead of Bachelor of.. BS seems awkward, but if you throw the periods on it, then it loses its ambiguity degree in political science, and for the first year of my undergraduate studies, I tended to share these views.
For a long time, I questioned the usefulness of my course work. I knew that I wanted to attend law school coming out of high school, and even though I found politics interesting, I did not think that knowing why the Soviets disbanded the Comintern brought me any closer to my goalreally convoluted sentence IMO. I'd break into two. I suppose I just saw Undergraduatewhy is this capitalized? work as a necessary hoop to jump through on my way to law school. For me, this was a disheartening thought that caused me to gain a slight disinterest for my schooling. IMO I really don't like where this is going from here. You sound disinterested in school, and someone going to law school should be focused and ready to tackle a huge academic challenge. The story so far makes you sound apathetic, and I think that hurts your image
Salvation came to me in a sidetracked professor’s lecture. While discussing the forces that influenced American political movements, a somewhat off topic question aroseI am not a fan of that sentence. Someone had commented on how their degree lacked utility. I was intrigued by the comment because I held the same concerns. My professor stopped class to address this student’s apprehension. He explained to us that a liberal arts degree is not vocational in the sense that we will learn information that will be applied to a career, but that we are becoming thinkers. He believed that one should spend their undergraduate career exercising their brain while building logical and reasoning skills. This explanation of my education truly resonated with me. I realized that I was not just jumping through hoops on my way to law school; I was training myself, so when I got to law school I would be ready for it.
This realization not only brought validity to my education, but also altered how I approached it. I decided that if I was going to exercise my thinking skills, then I would try to introduce myself to as many different kinds of thought as possible. As a result, I added a second major in philosophy and two minors; one in history and one in international studies. I greatly believe that this additional course work was extremely beneficial. I believe that my intellectual, logical, and discursive abilities have grown significantly over the last three and a half years. Like this paragraph - you are finally giving yourself some depth. I think this should be earlier in the story - shows ambition and ability to work hard.
While sharpening my brainreally don't like this - try something else, I began to study philosophy and found that law was not just an interest of mine, but what I consider to be a noble institution symbolized by dignified work. Over the last several years, my studies in philosophy have caused me to think about what is important to me and what makes life significant. For me, the most important aspect of live is free will. Free will gives meaning to life as each person is in control of their own decisions. I believe that with this power comes a great amount of responsibilitySounds cliche; that is over their actions. I see law as something to encourage people to use this power responsibly. For me, there is no greater work than working to uphold the law.
My undergraduate studies were extremely important to me. I believe that they allowed me to flourish intellectually and grow as a person. They also equipped me with the tools to excel in the future, as well as the passion to stay driven while I achieve my goals.[/quote]

IMO, you say very little in this story. I know you prefaced earlier that you had trouble nailing down a pivotal moment or adversity in your life. Try to consider a moment that you were really proud of yourself, or a project that required tremendous effort. Something that gives your story some depth and texture. Just my opinion. Good luck to you!

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bport hopeful
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Re: PS critique

Postby bport hopeful » Mon Jan 03, 2011 1:20 pm

Thanks a lot for the advice. The sentences that you don't like, I didn't like either.

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DamnLSAT
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Re: PS critique

Postby DamnLSAT » Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:56 pm

you bet.




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