Help! (Career professional seeking law degree...)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
smdewart
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:51 pm

Help! (Career professional seeking law degree...)

Postby smdewart » Sat Jan 01, 2011 8:44 pm

Thanks for everyone's help!
Last edited by smdewart on Mon Jan 03, 2011 1:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

tourdeforcex
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 2:19 pm

Re: Help! (Career professional seeking law degree...)

Postby tourdeforcex » Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:05 pm

it's good. it flows well and is a good story.

my only main recommendation is to cut it down a bit. the story is compelling enough. try to merge some of the last few paragraphs and expand the last one. also cut out the "~~~" it is unnecessary

best wishes.

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verklempt
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 6:59 pm

Re: Help! (Career professional seeking law degree...)

Postby verklempt » Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:25 pm

You are a good writer, as I'm sure you know, but you take way way too long to get to the heart of the PS. The first six or so paragraphs can be condensed into a single paragraph. The action starts with the phone call and your decision process.

Then you throw out this fragment: "taught me a lot about myself and about my strengths and interests" which leaves the reader wondering what those are. Maybe you could take some of the space you've saved from deleting the back story to elaborate.

This sentence: "piqued my interest in not simply legal recommendations on how to handle questionable ideas, but rather that which informed such advice to us." Ouch. I'm not going to give you a suggestion here because I know you can do better all by yourself.

I am a Burnett alum (not my happiest job memory) and I remember being fascinated by the legal department's work. Have you talked to the lawyers there? Since it sounds as though you want to be one of them, it might enrich your PS to include a snippet of an interaction. Along the lines of "when I met with the lawyers they complimented me on my astute understanding of blah blah blah and when I mentioned that I was considering applying to law school, the response was 'great, your x, y, and z attributes will make you a terrific lawyer."

One general comment: you use a lot of transition words and phrases, and they often dilute the effect of your main points. I would go through your PS and look at the words/phrases such as "rather" and "on the one hand" and so on, and determine whether or not you truly need each word/phrase. Don't let your reader get snagged on words that don't have to be there!

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Veyron
Posts: 3598
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:50 am

Re: Help! (Career professional seeking law degree...)

Postby Veyron » Sun Jan 02, 2011 12:22 am

This is the only genuinely good PS I've read on this dolt-ridden site - I usually just stop half way through and start cursing. I guess you've got to be able to tell a compelling story to make it in the ad industry.

Just a general comment, using illustrative language is one thing but I think that pursuing variety has caused you to use some words improperly. Also, you need to fix the following


"Joining the team didn’t materialize as the moral conundrum I initially thought it would. Rather, enacting projects for Marlboro, and other brands I never personally consumed, taught me a lot about myself and about my strengths and interests. It reaffirmed my zest for creative thinking and problem solving. On one hand, that this was a tobacco giant and not a food supplier, leaf-blowing manufacturer or other seemingly benign conglomerate seemed irrelevant: we championed our patron’s business as we would any other."

in order to balance out "on the one hand," as it is, you kinda leave the reader dangling.

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verklempt
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 6:59 pm

Re: Help! (Career professional seeking law degree...)

Postby verklempt » Sun Jan 02, 2011 1:41 am

Also, you don't "enact" projects.

smdewart
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:51 pm

Re: Help! (Career professional seeking law degree...)

Postby smdewart » Sun Jan 02, 2011 1:56 am

Thanks, all, for the suggestions and moral support. If anyone has other ideas, I'm all ears.




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