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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
henry flower
Posts: 125
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 1:22 am

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Postby henry flower » Sat Jan 01, 2011 1:11 am

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Last edited by henry flower on Sat Jan 29, 2011 2:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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eaglemuncher
Posts: 171
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 6:21 pm

Re: First Draft!

Postby eaglemuncher » Sat Jan 01, 2011 1:40 am

I like it, when most people post their PS I normally stop reading halfway through because it bores the hell out of me. However, this is interesting. You may have talked to much about the women in the beginning and maybe not enough about yourself. Also I think the last sentence, namely the last four or five words are awful. I think this needs minor tweaking but otherwise it is good.

henry flower
Posts: 125
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 1:22 am

Re: First Draft!

Postby henry flower » Sat Jan 01, 2011 2:07 am

Thanks! As far as the last few words, I'm not so happy with them either. I always have trouble writing conclusions.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: First Draft!

Postby LSATclincher » Sat Jan 01, 2011 2:08 am

I certainly think it's a nice starting point. It's obviously too long. The first 5 para's need to be shortened to 2 sentences. You worked as a case worker, and you had this one client. But you felt you didn't possess enough say in helping her. This is a valid reason for wanting to get into the legal profession. Unlike some PS's on here, your reason for "why law?" is not forced.

But then you need to discuss more about you. So you have a passion and desire for law. What tells adcomms you have the ability to execute your plans? One thing comes to mind. You say you were a case worker, so I'm sure you worked w/ many different people. People skills appear to be your strength. I work w/ a Yale undergrad and Boston U law school grad. Sure he's smart. But he can't hold a conversation with a common person. It looks like you already have him beat. Continue with this...

henry flower
Posts: 125
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 1:22 am

Re: First Draft!

Postby henry flower » Sat Jan 01, 2011 2:15 am

Thanks! Definitely appreciate the input. How long are these things supposed to be, generally? Maybe I'm too attached to the narrative part of it, but I would have a hard time cutting the 5 into 2. Although I'm sure that if I put it away for a day or so, I'll see some things that I will change and consolidate. As far as the people-skills angle goes, I'll have to brainstorm to see if I can make it more prominent. I did work with a pretty wide variety of people.

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kitmitzi
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: First Draft!

Postby kitmitzi » Sat Jan 01, 2011 2:49 am

How long are these things supposed to be, generally?


Most schools ask for 2 pages, a few let you go up to 3. Berkeley allows 4.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: First Draft!

Postby LSATclincher » Sat Jan 01, 2011 2:51 am

henry flower wrote:Thanks! Definitely appreciate the input. How long are these things supposed to be, generally? Maybe I'm too attached to the narrative part of it, but I would have a hard time cutting the 5 into 2. Although I'm sure that if I put it away for a day or so, I'll see some things that I will change and consolidate. As far as the people-skills angle goes, I'll have to brainstorm to see if I can make it more prominent. I did work with a pretty wide variety of people.


It appears some schools mention a 2-3 pg limit. I'd stick to a goal of 2pgs--11pt calibri is pre-loaded in WORD. Once you receive a bunch of critiques, narrowing it down is easy. Try to balance a nice story and a nice description of who you are and what you can offer.

weejonbu
Posts: 219
Joined: Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:48 pm

Re: First Draft!

Postby weejonbu » Sat Jan 01, 2011 3:36 am

henry flower wrote:...they were doing contract work for a local manufacturer, banging out shafts by the dozen


This one line stuck out to me... lol

henry flower
Posts: 125
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 1:22 am

Re: First Draft!

Postby henry flower » Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:20 pm

Just wanted to bump this because I would love some more feedback! I think I'm gonna try to write another draft tonight. My main focus is cutting things out and tidying things up--right now it runs at about 3 pages and I definitely need a 2 page statement for some of my schools.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First Draft!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:41 pm

Too much extraneous information. Although your personal statement shares the reason why you would like to practice law, I'm not sure that all readers will finish reading your essay. Law school personal statements are as much about an applicant's ability to convey a message succinctly in crisp, clear sentences as it is about the applicant's inner thoughts. In short, you've stretched three paragraphs of material into nine superfluous paragraphs.

mala2
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: First Draft!

Postby mala2 » Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:38 am

eaglemuncher wrote:I like it, when most people post their PS I normally stop reading halfway through because it bores the hell out of me. However, this is interesting. You may have talked to much about the women in the beginning and maybe not enough about yourself. Also I think the last sentence, namely the last four or five words are awful. I think this needs minor tweaking but otherwise it is good.


agree with this, I'm normally bored out my mind, but this kept me reading

mala2
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: First Draft!

Postby mala2 » Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:39 am

edit to top, until the third from the bottom paragraph, lost me.

Summarize and conclude there and be done with it.




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