(REVISED AGAIN)Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Rate this PS on a scale from 1(worst)-5(best) stars

*
0
No votes
**
0
No votes
***
0
No votes
****
0
No votes
*****
0
No votes
 
Total votes: 0

ixwad
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:54 pm

(REVISED AGAIN)Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS?

Postby ixwad » Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:41 pm

Thanks all.
Last edited by ixwad on Mon Jan 03, 2011 11:03 pm, edited 4 times in total.

ixwad
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:54 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS please?

Postby ixwad » Fri Dec 31, 2010 4:06 pm

Any feedback is welcome. An in-depth analysis or a "SUX DO OVER!" will do.

User avatar
verklempt
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 6:59 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS please?

Postby verklempt » Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:32 pm

Great description of VOC, but this is a personal statement and I know nothing about you after reading this.

Also, the phrase you want is "sown in" (past tense of sow) not "sewn into" unless it was handstitching. I'd use "instilled" anyway.

ixwad
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:54 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS please?

Postby ixwad » Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:38 pm

Good call with the word choice. And yes, I was worried that it shows all about what I've learned, without really telling about ME. Would you agree that everything that's already there can stay there, and that I should find ways to weave myself into the statement more? Did I sound generally likable and thoughtful? Thanks for the feedback.

User avatar
verklempt
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 6:59 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS please?

Postby verklempt » Fri Dec 31, 2010 7:48 pm

Are you one of those people who hates to throw out anything you've written? I totally understand. However, I doubt you can keep everything that is in there now for the simple reason that it's mostly about interactions among other people that don't seem to include you. The tone of what you have written is thoughtful and mature, but it's hard to say more without seeing how you fit into the picture.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS please?

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Dec 31, 2010 7:54 pm

I liked everything except for your use of the word "empathetic" in the last line. Consider "remedial", "mediation", "intervention", "humanistic approach".

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS please?

Postby LSATclincher » Fri Dec 31, 2010 7:58 pm

I agree. This story tells very little about you. And considering the 2-page limit to most PS's, I think it might be wasted space. But I'm not opposed to keeping the story in full (after grammatical edit) IF you incorporate more about you in the rest of the PS. Though it looks like your plan was going to be law-school specific discussion, so that could be a problem.

I really don't see a need to discuss law school stuff if you already had real world experience w/ the law. A law school specific PS is for kids coming right out of college w/ no real world experience. Experience trumps education. It's inferred, though your law-related experience, that you will adjust well compared to your inexperienced peers. And law schools know this. As long as your numbers equal your competition, I'd argue to make this PS strictly about your experience and how it shaped you and prepared you for a legal career.

ixwad
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:54 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS? (REVISED)

Postby ixwad » Sun Jan 02, 2011 6:28 pm

Updated. Do you guys think I made any headway in fixing the problems you described?

ixwad
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:54 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS? (REVISED)

Postby ixwad » Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:20 pm

Guys, just come and at least tell me it sucks so I can motivate myself to edit it more.

User avatar
ach24
Posts: 207
Joined: Sun Jun 20, 2010 1:24 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS? (REVISED)

Postby ach24 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:58 pm

.
Last edited by ach24 on Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

ixwad
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:54 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS? (REVISED)

Postby ixwad » Sun Jan 02, 2011 9:06 pm

Gah, yeah, I'm having a lot of trouble with that. I feel like I can't properly explain why this volunteer experience has been valuable to me without the story, but at the same time, the story is taking up way too high a percentage of the total PS.

User avatar
verklempt
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 6:59 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS? (REVISED)

Postby verklempt » Sun Jan 02, 2011 9:24 pm

It doesn't suck, but there is still way too much about others and not enough about you. For example, tell us why you were drawn to this particular kind of work (you're doing it as a volunteer, which usually means that there's something that resonates for you), and/or what you have learned about yourself and about dealing with others by doing the work. Maybe you had some struggles along the way, figuring out the best tactics to use. Or maybe you can talk about what you do to get people to trust you. Then this case can serve as a climactic moment, illustrating the progress you have made in your job as well as showing how well the system can function when all the gears are clicking.

ixwad
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:54 pm

Re: Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS? (REVISED)

Postby ixwad » Sun Jan 02, 2011 9:30 pm

Thanks, that definitely helps clear things up! Will get right on it. I hate how hard it gets to self-edit and self-evaluate after I've already read my own statement a hundred times in a row. The feedback is greatly appreciated.

ixwad
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:54 pm

Re: (REVISED AGAIN)Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS?

Postby ixwad » Sun Jan 02, 2011 10:48 pm

Next revision is up.

User avatar
ach24
Posts: 207
Joined: Sun Jun 20, 2010 1:24 pm

Re: (REVISED AGAIN)Quick critique of the "story" part of my PS?

Postby ach24 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 11:49 pm

.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.