Second Draft PS - murder it, please!!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Dripworx
Posts: 161
Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 2:12 pm

Second Draft PS - murder it, please!!!!

Postby Dripworx » Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:40 pm

Took out a few bits, Its much shorter now. Tried to tighten up the general direction of it, but I still do not feel even close to confident about it. Please please please rip it apart, good, bad, ugly, pretty. Im not here to get an ego massage so please be brutal, its for the best! Thank you ahead of time for those that have any kind of criticism to contribute!



Reflecting on my childhood has become a tool of sorts which allowed me, as I grew older, to understand some of the peripheral situations that were going on around me as a child. As a teen, I constantly found myself reporting to therapists, guidance counselors and mediators over my behavior in school; I became the embodiment of defiance spanning from elementary school all the way up until graduation. My contention with authority proved to be such a powerful facet of my character, that I allowed it to define my life, including my academic career to the disappointment of many and particularly myself. As a young adult, I could remember hearing the word “potential” so often it made me sick to think what I could be doing rather than what I chose to do at the time. My priorities were polarized and reversed all throughout high school and early college, and eventually my decisions had caught up to me by the time I was in my sophomore year in college. “Lo unico que te podemos dejar, es la educación.” This “saying” was one of many that my Mother engrained into my mind since early childhood, for as long as I could remember.

When I attended my grandfathers funeral halfway through my first semester of sophomore year, I realized what life really meant to me and what I needed to do in order to attain my happiness. I had to choose a path that was my passion. I had to love what I’d do for the rest of my life. The hardships I faced as a child with an alcoholic father, and as an adult with loss of my grandfather who was my idol, gave me the momentum, motivation and strength to bounce back from my dip in performance and poor choices that marked my academic career, and my life.

Looking back on the saying my mother had told me when I was a child which meant: “The only thing we can leave to you (after we’re gone), is an education.”, I realized that her words of wisdom were not in vain. My mistakes, successes, and future goals all had a purpose to which I may not have had the clarity to see at the time, but with the experience I gained, eventually began to take defined form. What my father having been an alcoholic, he taught me how to regain control of my own life, after seeing him lose control of his own. My grandfather taught me through his patience and wisdom how to become who I wanted to be, by finding a passion and never letting go. What I concluded from the twists and turns life had given me was that the only thing holding me from doing anything I desired, was myself.

One of the most influential figures in my undergraduate courses, Dr. Z, had accented the reality of our justice system; that there are two kinds of people in our society, the “Haves” and “Have-nots”. This reflected the statistical trend of success behind those who have significant resources, and those who do not. This dichotomy within our legal system fueled me to believe that I could make a difference. I finally felt like my life had a purpose, like I had a place to go, like I had control. This had become my passion.

My life has continued to become more about the shaping and formation of who I will be in the future, and the time has come where I have to choose which school would educate me about my passion. With a degree from XXXX I can confidently say, that I could not have been better prepared anywhere else. In this life, there are few things left that are truly permanent, one of those I know for a fact through my experiences is education. My investment in education can only be trusted to the hands of the best, this is why I would be honored and proud to accept an entrance to XXXX, the School of law that would allow me to become the best attorney I could be.

crit_racer
Posts: 756
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:15 pm

Re: Second Draft PS - murder it, please!!!!

Postby crit_racer » Fri Dec 31, 2010 1:16 pm

I like it...especially the first 4 paragraphs. When you talk about Dr. Z and the "haves vs. have-nots" is where I get off the boat, though. This paragraph comes off a little bland and unoriginal, though I'm sure it's a sincere sentiment. Everyone wants to "make a difference," which is great, except I can't help but think adcomms come across this all the time. Maybe do just a bit more work so that this part of your PS sounds more original. Give it some of your own voice here. Great draft overall, though.

Dripworx
Posts: 161
Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 2:12 pm

Re: Second Draft PS - murder it, please!!!!

Postby Dripworx » Fri Dec 31, 2010 1:48 pm

crit_racer wrote:When you talk about Dr. Z and the "haves vs. have-nots" is where I get off the boat, though. This paragraph comes off a little bland and unoriginal, though I'm sure it's a sincere sentiment. Everyone wants to "make a difference," which is great, except I can't help but think adcomms come across this all the time. Maybe do just a bit more work so that this part of your PS sounds more original. Give it some of your own voice here.


Got it! Yea I just have no idea how to expand, or at least bring in how/why I'm choosing to pursue law school. I feel like if I went into more detail it would become redundant, and If i completely took it out, id be back where i started in not knowing how to tie in that facet of my PS.

Im gonna keep trying to tweak it! thank you so much!!

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: Second Draft PS - murder it, please!!!!

Postby LSATclincher » Fri Dec 31, 2010 8:06 pm

The first 3 para's are good (aside from some unclear language). But then it does tail off. I think after those first 3 para's, you have to get into what have you done. You establish a nice foundation of some wise knowledge instilled upon. So have you done anything yet to put that knowledge into practice? Leadership, service, legal internship?'

Then maybe conclude about how your combo of knowledge and demonstrated experience proves your potential to become a lawyer.

Dripworx
Posts: 161
Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 2:12 pm

Re: Second Draft PS - murder it, please!!!!

Postby Dripworx » Sat Jan 01, 2011 5:43 pm

LSATclincher wrote:The first 3 para's are good (aside from some unclear language). But then it does tail off. I think after those first 3 para's, you have to get into what have you done. You establish a nice foundation of some wise knowledge instilled upon. So have you done anything yet to put that knowledge into practice? Leadership, service, legal internship?'

Then maybe conclude about how your combo of knowledge and demonstrated experience proves your potential to become a lawyer.


I think the closest thing to ever having applied that is merely in classes. Outside of a 3 year job at starbucks (which paid my tuition for UG), I dont really have any softs like internships or service... I did work 30 hours a week at that job, and it kind of killed my gpa, but Im addressing that in my addendum. should I maybe bring out my experiences in classes (the good ones were logic, judicial politics and processes, Constitutional history 2, philosophy of law, etc.)? Not many but maybe some insight from specific classes could help give the PS as a whole some kind of direction.

mala2
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: Second Draft PS - murder it, please!!!!

Postby mala2 » Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:41 am

crit_racer wrote:I like it...especially the first 4 paragraphs. When you talk about Dr. Z and the "haves vs. have-nots" is where I get off the boat, though. This paragraph comes off a little bland and unoriginal, though I'm sure it's a sincere sentiment. Everyone wants to "make a difference," which is great, except I can't help but think adcomms come across this all the time. Maybe do just a bit more work so that this part of your PS sounds more original. Give it some of your own voice here. Great draft overall, though.


agree. last 2 paragraphs bad bad bad

User avatar
iamcutdacheck
Posts: 95
Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2010 5:23 am

Re: Second Draft PS - murder it, please!!!!

Postby iamcutdacheck » Tue Jan 04, 2011 6:11 am

I LOVE the first paragraph but you need to get to the point or at least arrive at a more finite direction in the first sentence.

Dripworx
Posts: 161
Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 2:12 pm

Re: Second Draft PS - murder it, please!!!!

Postby Dripworx » Tue Jan 04, 2011 7:17 pm

Thank you guys, this is helping. Im still working on another draft, but its not done yet so I will make sure to post it soon. Trying to balance lsat prep+work+apps all together, you know the grind!

Thanks again guys, anything else you think would work, or edit out, let me know!!

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: Second Draft PS - murder it, please!!!!

Postby LSATclincher » Tue Jan 04, 2011 9:55 pm

Dripworx wrote:
LSATclincher wrote:The first 3 para's are good (aside from some unclear language). But then it does tail off. I think after those first 3 para's, you have to get into what have you done. You establish a nice foundation of some wise knowledge instilled upon. So have you done anything yet to put that knowledge into practice? Leadership, service, legal internship?'

Then maybe conclude about how your combo of knowledge and demonstrated experience proves your potential to become a lawyer.


I think the closest thing to ever having applied that is merely in classes. Outside of a 3 year job at starbucks (which paid my tuition for UG), I dont really have any softs like internships or service... I did work 30 hours a week at that job, and it kind of killed my gpa, but Im addressing that in my addendum. should I maybe bring out my experiences in classes (the good ones were logic, judicial politics and processes, Constitutional history 2, philosophy of law, etc.)? Not many but maybe some insight from specific classes could help give the PS as a whole some kind of direction.


Everyone applying for law school as good school experience. But not everyone paid their way thru college working at starbucks, 30 hrs a week. I'm sure you could parlay that into a story of hard work, perseverance, etc.

Dripworx
Posts: 161
Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 2:12 pm

Re: Second Draft PS - murder it, please!!!!

Postby Dripworx » Wed Jan 12, 2011 10:21 pm

***UPDATED DRAFT***

let me know what you guys think!!! Changed a bunch of things!


Reflecting on my childhood has become a tool which allowed me, as I grew older, to understand some of the peripheral situations that were going on around me as a child. My experiences adjusting to an American culture in school, from a Colombian culture at home had irrefutably taught me the most important lessons of my life. A drive, a passion, and persistence is key to success.

As a teen, I constantly found myself reporting to therapists, guidance counselors, deans, principals and mediators over my behavior in school; I became the embodiment of defiance spanning from elementary school all the way up until graduation. My contention with authority proved to be such a powerful facet of my character, that I allowed it to define my life, including my academic career to the disappointment of many and particularly myself. As a young adult, I could remember hearing the word “potential” so often it made me sick to think what I could be doing rather than what I chose to do at the time. My priorities were polarized and reversed all throughout high school and early college, and eventually my decisions had caught up to me by the time I was in my sophomore year in college, rendering the consequences that caused me to decide who I wanted to be, and what I needed to do to.

“Lo unico que te podemos dejar, es la educación.” This “saying” was one of many that my Mother engrained into my mind since early childhood, for as long as I could remember. It became a truth so evident in my life, that it paved the way for my goals as they are today: my future as an attorney, to serve those who cannot represent themselves adequately.
When I attended my grandfathers funeral halfway through my first semester of sophomore year, I realized what life really meant to me, and what I needed to do in order to attain my happiness. I had to choose a path that was my passion. I had to love what I’d do for the rest of my life. The hardships I faced as a child with an alcoholic father, and as an adult with loss of my grandfather who was my idol, gave me the momentum, motivation, strength and maturity to bounce back from my dip in performance and poor choices that marked my academic career, and my life.
Looking back on the saying my mother had told me when I was a child, which meant: “The only thing we can leave to you (after we’re gone), is an education.”, I realized that her words of wisdom were not in vain. My mistakes, successes, and future goals all had a purpose to which I may not have had the clarity nor the maturity to see at the time, but with the experience I gained, eventually began to take a defined form. The experience of my father having been an alcoholic taught me how to regain control of my life, after seeing him lose control of his own. My grandfather taught me through his patience and wisdom how to become who I wanted to be by finding a passion and never letting go; and most importantly never surrendering to the obstacles in the way. What I concluded from the twists and turns life had given me was that the only thing holding me from doing anything I desired, was myself.

When I came to know that my family could not afford tuition anymore, yet I could not qualify for sufficient financial aid, I searched endlessly for a means to continue classes. My position as a barista at Starbucks had granted me an enormous benefit by waiving my tuition, if I was able to work a minimum of 30 hours per week. My job had taught me more about time management and responsibility than any other job I had held previously, even as an RA my freshman year in college. Balancing a full course load while working the minimum hours proved to be a daunting task at first, but over time I attained the ability to make the correct prioritization's which allowed me to recuperate from my errors.

One of my most influential figures in my undergraduate courses, Dr. Z, had taught in several of the classes I took about a paradox present in any Justice system, which helped me understand and truly hone down my passion for law. The paradox being that justice is never guaranteed in any system. It is often taken for granted because it’s part of the name of our system, and at times promised, however in reality and practicality, it is a goal or purpose of our system rather than a sure outcome, and in many cases the very system used to bring justice, creates injustice. This conflict between the intended purpose of our legal system, and its outcome perplexed me and sparked an unstoppable interest in my mind to find out more about what I can do to make a difference. Through the classes such as “Judicial Politics and Processes” and both “Constitutional History I & II”, I found an incredible abundance of information about why our system has succeeded and failed in many ways. Through lectures, brainstorming, and debating in classes, I finally found a passion that I now would never let go, because it is exactly what I would love to do for the rest of my life: A career in the legal world, shaping and changing it for the better.

“Change is the law of life”, as John F. Kennedy once said, the experiences both new and old I’ve been fortunate enough to have, allowed me to realize more about myself while simultaneously showing me how to become who I want to be. Now, the time has come where I must choose which school would educate me about my passion, and ensure my success through a rigorous curriculum relevant to my interest in law. At XXXX, in the XXXX program, I am confident that the curriculum would teach me the most about [specific field/program goal], ultimately leading me closer to reaching my goal to be an attorney. With a degree from XXXX I can sincerely say, that I could not have been better prepared anywhere else. In this life, there are few things left that are truly permanent, one of those I know for a fact through my experiences is education. Through the changes and adaptations I have had to make throughout my life, I have gained the knowledge, wisdom and experience necessary to truly feel confident in my choice to apply to XXXX. My investment in education can only be trusted to the hands of the best, this is why I would be honored and proud to accept an entrance to XXXX, the School of law that would allow me to become the best attorney I could be.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.