2nd Draft - Comments, Suggestions, etc. Please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mlsdreamer
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Jun 26, 2010 11:53 pm

2nd Draft - Comments, Suggestions, etc. Please

Postby mlsdreamer » Fri Dec 31, 2010 1:33 am

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Last edited by mlsdreamer on Fri Jan 14, 2011 3:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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brangara
Posts: 93
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 8:59 pm

Re: 1st Draft - Comments, Suggestions, etc. Please

Postby brangara » Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:15 am

I really like your topic, but there are some things that can definitely be changed.

Right now, as it is, it seems that the majority of your statement is focused on how your ailments inhibited you. While it is okay to mention how tough it was going through all this, you should focus on positive details-- how you overcame it, how you are still pursuing your dreams regardless of what has happened to you, how you are more motivated to succeed and if you can get through this, you can get through anything. Things like that.

I think you should add details on your recovery and on this network you formed, and how it possible helped you to further develop your interests, or make connections, etc. Again, show that the ailments you underwent resulted in something positive in the end.

When you say that you learned a lot about yourself, tell us what you learned! Perhaps if you connected what you learned about yourself to your legal interests and go into detail with why specifically the law/business overlap is what you were meant to pursue.

Good luck!

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kitmitzi
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Re: 1st Draft - Comments, Suggestions, etc. Please

Postby kitmitzi » Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:47 am

You need to have the majority of your PS to be about after surgery/how you changed/what guided you towards law. I wrote a medical PS as well and my first draft was not received well because it was just completely about medical stuff. Also, some of the info is unnecessary, like the part about the morphine pump. Try to combine the first 75% of your essay into one or two paragraphs so you can expand upon more important stuff like: "As I worked through the pain I learned a lot about myself and where my priorities lie." You should write a lot about what you learned and how the experience changed your priorities.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: 1st Draft - Comments, Suggestions, etc. Please

Postby LSATclincher » Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:28 pm

I agree with the others. And to add, I did like the tone of your piece. Though some physical impediments impair you visually, those impediments have not affected your mental capabilities. And perhaps, even strengthened your mindset. I think that tone should shine throughout your piece.

Good luck.

CanadianWolf
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Re: 1st Draft - Comments, Suggestions, etc. Please

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:37 pm

I thought that this was going to lead into a desire to pursue a law career focusing on medical malpractice matters. Without such a conclusion, the essay seems disjointed when it abruptly finishes with your desire to practice law in the area of business start-ups. What is the connection with your medical procedure & suffering ?

bmore
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: 1st Draft - Comments, Suggestions, etc. Please

Postby bmore » Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:44 pm

Not really seeing the connection. PS should connect YOU to the study of law. The only mention of law is in the last para and it seems to come out of the blue.

mlsdreamer
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Jun 26, 2010 11:53 pm

Re: 2nd Draft - Comments, Suggestions, etc. Please

Postby mlsdreamer » Wed Jan 05, 2011 5:53 pm

Bump for further suggestions. Thanks in advance.

mlsdreamer
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Jun 26, 2010 11:53 pm

Re: 2nd Draft - Comments, Suggestions, etc. Please

Postby mlsdreamer » Thu Jan 06, 2011 7:47 pm

Friendly bump - anyone?

mlsdreamer
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Jun 26, 2010 11:53 pm

Re: 2nd Draft - Comments, Suggestions, etc. Please

Postby mlsdreamer » Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:21 pm

Final bump. Please?

mmy789
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2011 7:10 pm

Re: 2nd Draft - Comments, Suggestions, etc. Please

Postby mmy789 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:57 pm

Here you go! This is perfect for you. Go to the articles "PS boot camp" in those you will see the Yale Dean (i think?) talk about PS that concern "OO" or "overcoming obstacles".
http://blogs.law.yale.edu/blogs/admissions/default.aspx

Good luck!




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