Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Reading this makes me want to...

Fall asleep
1
11%
Slap you
4
44%
Grab a beer with you to discuss life
3
33%
Admit you to my law school
1
11%
 
Total votes: 9

kcdc
Posts: 63
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 1:28 pm

Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby kcdc » Thu Dec 30, 2010 7:00 pm

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Last edited by kcdc on Thu Jan 06, 2011 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
verklempt
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 6:59 pm

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby verklempt » Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:03 pm

This has a much better flow and is more readable. However, the connection between your experiences with your sister -- which you explained in a note on the other thread -- still don't tie in as effectively as they might. You refer to family court battles -- perhaps you could amplify that so that we can understand how your intro fits with the rest.

A few other thoughts:

"Liaising between" -- I kind of tripped on that one. Maybe it's because the usual preposition is "with" and not "between." Might just be me.

Sentence that begins "If serving as daughter, sister, mother, counselor..." comes across as defensive. I don't see how it adds. I would delete it.

This clause -- "Georgetown, of course, is one of the most prestigious law schools in the country" -- strikes me as unnecessary and pandering. I'd get rid of it and fold the rest of that sentence into the first sentence.

You may want to expand on:

-- "Throughout college I developed strengths and skills previously unknown to me" -- I can sort of infer what those are, but why not be clear, with more specific examples?
-- "two of which I drastically reshaped" == sounds as though you demonstrated some major interpersonal skill sets here, but you're not really letting us know what they are.

With both the above, a sentence or maybe two would suffice. You don't need a lot of detail, but you're a little too vague. And when you're talking about areas where you show strength, you want to add emphasis.

User avatar
iamcutdacheck
Posts: 95
Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2010 5:23 am

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby iamcutdacheck » Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:16 pm

I liked it but a few things.

I would not use the word 'resultant' unless it's apart of your everyday speech

The part about working or volunteering for Barry Obama's campaign dosen't add anything to your personal statement.

User avatar
AreJay711
Posts: 3406
Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:51 pm

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby AreJay711 » Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:21 pm

Didn't read the other one but I like this PS but I am not a big fan of this sentence:
However, carrying these experiences with me has made me a more effective legislative aide because I have witnessed so many social domestic issues first-hand, and my combination of experiences has given me the personal investment and professional skill set that will help me to affect social change.


I think you might want to tie in why it would make you a good law student as well. I know it is implied but I was waiting for the hook the whole time. Being a good legislative aide is not bad but I'd want to know what would make you a good lawyer / law student / whatever you want to do with a law degree. I also don't like the "affect social change" just because my eyes automatically roll even if you have experiences to back it up

kcdc
Posts: 63
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 1:28 pm

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby kcdc » Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:30 pm

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Last edited by kcdc on Thu Jan 06, 2011 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kcdc
Posts: 63
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 1:28 pm

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby kcdc » Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:34 pm

iamcutdacheck wrote:I liked it but a few things.

I would not use the word 'resultant' unless it's apart of your everyday speech

The part about working or volunteering for Barry Obama's campaign dosen't add anything to your personal statement.



Hah, well it is a big math term so it yeah, it was at one point... probably not now though.

That's what made me switch from engineering to policy. It's not a normal career shift, and the number one thing interviewers ask me is "what made you go from engineering to politics?" It's actually the most major turning point in my life...

Thanks!!

kcdc
Posts: 63
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 1:28 pm

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby kcdc » Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:36 pm

AreJay711 wrote:Didn't read the other one but I like this PS but I am not a big fan of this sentence:
However, carrying these experiences with me has made me a more effective legislative aide because I have witnessed so many social domestic issues first-hand, and my combination of experiences has given me the personal investment and professional skill set that will help me to affect social change.


I think you might want to tie in why it would make you a good law student as well. I know it is implied but I was waiting for the hook the whole time. Being a good legislative aide is not bad but I'd want to know what would make you a good lawyer / law student / whatever you want to do with a law degree. I also don't like the "affect social change" just because my eyes automatically roll even if you have experiences to back it up


Yeah, I'll change that. Thanks!

User avatar
Richie Tenenbaum
Posts: 2162
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 6:17 am

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby Richie Tenenbaum » Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:39 pm

Just in terms of content, I thought this was quite good. It does a really good job of painting a picture of who you are and what drives you. Good luck in your application cycle.

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lawandi
Posts: 125
Joined: Wed Feb 24, 2010 9:32 pm

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby lawandi » Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:58 pm

My family is intertwined with every aspect of my person, and they have ultimately influenced my desire to become a lawyer more than anyone else.

I would suggest saying anything rather than anyone.

If serving as daughter, sister, mother, counselor, and mediator during my formative years did not allow me to see the depth and diversity of my character, I would have discovered it in college. Surprisingly, "Mechanical Engineer" and "Social Chair" is a rare combination.

I volunteered for the Obama campaign, and was remarkably talented at digesting political issues and registering voters.

These both sound really braggy, especially the first. I would re-word them.


The rest of the essay is REALLY GOOD. I can't imagine them not admitting you (assuming your stats are decent).

kcdc
Posts: 63
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 1:28 pm

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby kcdc » Thu Dec 30, 2010 10:05 pm

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Last edited by kcdc on Thu Jan 06, 2011 2:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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SullaFelix
Posts: 113
Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:18 pm

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby SullaFelix » Sat Jan 01, 2011 11:52 pm

You might want to be careful with how you refer to your sister — it might rub a reader the wrong way. The substance of the story can be adequate, but avoid loaded descriptions such as "crazy."

mala2
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby mala2 » Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:31 am

I'm having trouble writing my ps too, I think it's difficult to write something that is personal.

I picked slap you in the poll given the options (I'll explain why, you seem nice).

It sounds like you have a lot of experiences in your life, which in my opinion make you a better more well rounded person than someone with no worries. However, your ps really is annoying because it comes off as whiney. You've been through a lot because of other people being selfish and irresponsible. I get that. You needed to get it off you chest. Now you have. Now go back and write the same essay but from a positive perspective. In my opinion that will get a better emotional response from readers (ie admissions people)

I'll pm you mine when I'm done, you'll prob be able able to see it more in someone else's

mala2
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby mala2 » Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:32 am

just had an idea, maybe start at the end (more positive) and work your way back? might come off better

cestmoi
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Dec 29, 2010 2:14 am

Re: Back again! Threw a few jokes in this time...

Postby cestmoi » Mon Jan 03, 2011 5:49 pm

You might want to be careful with how you refer to your sister — it might rub a reader the wrong way. The substance of the story can be adequate, but avoid loaded descriptions such as "crazy."

This. Anyone with experience either working in the mental health field or caring for a loved one with mental illness tends to balk from using the term "crazy" to describe a person.




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