grammatical help on two sentences

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mgel2181
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2009 7:25 pm

grammatical help on two sentences

Postby mgel2181 » Thu Dec 30, 2010 10:14 am

.
Last edited by mgel2181 on Fri Sep 23, 2011 3:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
ggocat
Posts: 1662
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 1:51 pm

Re: grammatical help on two sentences

Postby ggocat » Thu Dec 30, 2010 10:36 am

I think "be that" is awkward because your list is conjunctive. Either remove it or replace with "that is" or "namely," followed by a comma. Technically the em dash replaces those phrases, but they can help you sentence flow better.

thwalls
Posts: 215
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 9:28 am

Re: grammatical help on two sentences

Postby thwalls » Thu Dec 30, 2010 11:13 am

I think the first sentence is a little bit heavy with some baggage words. The second sentence is not all that bad. However, I might try something like this:

"Learning about the genesis and operation of a foreign government invites examination of the foreign nation-state's values. Understanding the values and motivations of others promotes empathy and mutual respect: important qualities of any citizen."

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: grammatical help on two sentences

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:02 pm

"The ideals underlying the birth of a government should be reflected in its method of operation. Knowing others' values often reveals their motivations."

My rephrasing is just an attempt to refine your intended meaning. As written in the original post in this thread, some of the content is simply incorrect or illogical.

BlueDiamond
Posts: 953
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 12:56 pm

Re: grammatical help on two sentences

Postby BlueDiamond » Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:24 pm

I wouldn't use the word birth or born there when referencing the creation of a government. To me, it seems similar to saying you will focus around something instead of focus on something. If that makes sense.

Also, nitpicking but there are very few nation-states left in the world today. Probably not something the reader would care about though unless at some point they took international relations courses haha

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: grammatical help on two sentences

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:27 pm

As an aside: Have you ever seen the classic movie "The Birth of a Nation" ?

BlueDiamond
Posts: 953
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 12:56 pm

Re: grammatical help on two sentences

Postby BlueDiamond » Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:33 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:As an aside: Have you ever seen the classic movie "The Birth of a Nation" ?


if aimed at me I have not.. not too big on the whole white supremacy thing.. but it does also bring up a good point that not everywhere in the world are empathy and mutual respect seen as virtues of a good citizen

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: grammatical help on two sentences

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:45 pm

The "empathy & mutual respect" phrase as used by the OP is just wrong. My point regarding the movie title is that the concept of "birth" has long been used when referring to the creation of a nation.

BlueDiamond
Posts: 953
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 12:56 pm

Re: grammatical help on two sentences

Postby BlueDiamond » Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:51 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:The "empathy & mutual respect" phrase as used by the OP is just wrong. My point regarding the movie title is that the concept of "birth" has long been used when referring to the creation of a nation.


he is talking about the creation of a government.. not a nation.. again maybe just my dumb undergrad classes coming forth but they are two very different things




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.