Deleted by author. Thanks everyone!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
LAWLADI2011
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 4:09 am

Deleted by author. Thanks everyone!

Postby LAWLADI2011 » Thu Dec 30, 2010 4:19 am

delete
Last edited by LAWLADI2011 on Fri Jun 10, 2011 8:54 pm, edited 4 times in total.

tourdeforcex
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 2:19 pm

Re: Personal Statement-This is my second draft I need feedback

Postby tourdeforcex » Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:01 pm

compelling stories. it's good.

the pacing from the beginning through "Five years later, I was facilitating a forum at a local college for college students and educators to discuss ways to reconcile spiritually and sexuality in their communities." is great.

the last paragraph isn't as compelling as the rest of the PS. we still want to know the why.

NonTradHealthLaw
Posts: 401
Joined: Mon May 03, 2010 2:44 pm

Re: Personal Statement-This is my second draft I need feedback

Postby NonTradHealthLaw » Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:13 pm

Compelling story worth further development - makes me immediately like you and your chutzpah.

Major cricitism - as previous poster stated, there is no transition between penultimate and final paragraphs which makes the reader wonder why you're interested in law rather than social work or education.

Minor criticism - the beginning is either a bit "woe is me" or immature - neither of which i believe you are. Perhaps exchange "dad" and "mom" with "father" and "mother" to more illustrate the distance/detachment and transition to the person you are today.

Minor criticism - though it's written as a chronological essay, there are points when it's a bit disjointed. Upon rereading it's likely due to the allusions to the past and to foreshadowing your goals, but there are a lot of numbers that require a bit of mental gymnastics since there isn't a visual timeline for reference.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal Statement-This is my second draft I need feedback

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:21 pm

Your writing is a combination of a cathartic confession & a "what I did over the summer" essay that is written in a very rudimentary, workman-like style that is inappropriate for law school. The good news is that it is easier to refine an essay by reduction of content than by addition of text. Edit for brevity. Try to write crisp,clear sentences in a succinct manner. Remember that your reader is intelligent & well educated. Your current draft is written for a young, unsophisticated audience.

LAWLADI2011
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 4:09 am

Re: Personal Statement-This is my second draft I need feedback

Postby LAWLADI2011 » Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:14 am

Thanks for the input. After reading your reponses it seems I still have alot of work that needs to be done on my statement. I am having a hard time making the statement flow and explain why I want to go to law school without talking about specific political experiences or a constitutional law class I took as an undergrad.




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