ayo, check mine out.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Flips88
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Flips88 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:24 pm

Jader wrote:
Flips88 wrote: Your whole "Why Berkeley" part is utterly worthless. You mention Salvio and Foucault. They were associated with the school, but not the LAW SCHOOL. Other than that your only mention of the school is how it is "different". Do some damn research. Look up programs, curricula, and clinics. Any decently aware college student can tell you that Berkeley is liberal and different. [/color]



I see your point but it wasn't supposed to be a separate Why X statement; and listing off the easy bay community law center and their journals and why I think they're awesome doesn't really seem in place in a personal statement.

I mean there's absolutely no way I can truthfully talk about that in any detail other than mention how much I like public interest stuff and how much I like the idea of Berkeley, so therefore I must like that specific program because it's got both of those things. I'm obviously wrong, but do you see my point?


I wrote a 4 page version of my PS for Berkeley with about a 1/2 a page of Why Berkeley at the end. I talked about how Berkeley would provide me opportunities to further my interest in social justice and human rights. I talked about their Center for Social Justice and it's corresponding curriculum. i talked about how specific courses aligned with some of my undergraduate research and I would like to further my knowledge on these subjects. I talked about their International Human Rights Law Clinic and how it would give me the chance to work on important legal issues that I am passionate about. They have a website for a reason. Do research. If you wrote a Why Harvard or Yale, would you really just talk about how prestigious they are and how many supreme court justices have come from there and such? Or would you look up concentrations, clinics, professor that you are drawn to.

http://www.law.berkeley.edu/academics.htm

jasonc.
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby jasonc. » Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:35 pm

I changed my mind I like it now. The admissions council will breathe a sigh relief when they dont have to read another "compelling" stories.

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Jader
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Jader » Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:35 pm

redone in a similar manner

thanks flipps, Ill talk about how the EBCLC and other generally amazing clinical and outreach programs correspond to the reasons Im doing law school at all.

I was obviously completely mistaken about what a personal statement is for. I have a third draft up that's nearly a complete rewrite. Is it more in line with a proper PS? I have pretty solid numbers so I just need this to not be a "WTF DUDE."

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Flips88
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Flips88 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 9:17 pm

Your writing is too self-aware. Stop writing about how you are not writing about what they expect you to maybe be writing about. You are not sitting down to tell them a story ("Let me start from the beginning"). Write professionally. I don't understand how a philosophy and journalism person can write this way.

There is not a good story about exceeding expectations or rising above obstacles. It’s not even a good metaphor for anything. It was just a simple fact that as bad as I was, people were counting on me and I did not let them down.

It is not good to talk about how there is nothing remarkable about what you are telling them about. You are saying outright that what you are telling them is ordinary and bland.

flawless, well-researched papers on Kant’s conception of "duty"

If I'm reading correctly, these were papers when you were a freshman. Regardless of what hot shit you think you are, your work as an 18 year old freshman was far from "flawless" If you did not become a better researcher, writer, and student over your 4 years, you wasted some time and money.

It was very vain and arrogant, but I did learn a lot.

Why do you insist on making yourself out to be a douche?

Which I believe makes me excellently suited for a law school environment.

I don't think this should be a standalone sentence.

Looking back on my childhood—where I would pace in front of news anchor on T.V expressing his point the way I thought he should have— this was a long time coming.

Huh?

environmental law is the current flavor of the week

Bad. Makes you sound whimsical.

With my motives pure along with my unwavering allegiance to a good argument, I will do myself proud

I will do myself proud?


Your revisions are showing minute progress. If I had to put it bluntly, you've refined a steaming pile of feces into a pile of vomit. You still come off very poorly: arrogant, whimsical, self-aggrandizing, and unprofessional.

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oshberg28
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Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:24 pm

Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby oshberg28 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:49 pm

"I see that I just took pride in understanding things that other people simply could not"

Apparently understanding how to write a decent PS is not of those things.

Brownadam26
Posts: 42
Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 2:33 am

Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Brownadam26 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:59 pm

oshberg28 wrote:"I see that I just took pride in understanding things that other people simply could not"

Apparently understanding how to write a decent PS is not of those things.


lol

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Jader
Posts: 35
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Jader » Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:01 pm

Flips88 wrote:Your writing is too self-aware. Stop writing about how you are not writing about what they expect you to maybe be writing about. You are not sitting down to tell them a story ("Let me start from the beginning"). Write professionally. I don't understand how a philosophy and journalism person can write this way.

There is not a good story about exceeding expectations or rising above obstacles. It’s not even a good metaphor for anything. It was just a simple fact that as bad as I was, people were counting on me and I did not let them down.

It is not good to talk about how there is nothing remarkable about what you are telling them about. You are saying outright that what you are telling them is ordinary and bland.

flawless, well-researched papers on Kant’s conception of "duty"

If I'm reading correctly, these were papers when you were a freshman. Regardless of what hot shit you think you are, your work as an 18 year old freshman was far from "flawless" If you did not become a better researcher, writer, and student over your 4 years, you wasted some time and money.

It was very vain and arrogant, but I did learn a lot.

Why do you insist on making yourself out to be a douche?

Which I believe makes me excellently suited for a law school environment.

I don't think this should be a standalone sentence.

Looking back on my childhood—where I would pace in front of news anchor on T.V expressing his point the way I thought he should have— this was a long time coming.

Huh?

environmental law is the current flavor of the week

Bad. Makes you sound whimsical.

With my motives pure along with my unwavering allegiance to a good argument, I will do myself proud

I will do myself proud?


Your revisions are showing minute progress. If I had to put it bluntly, you've refined a steaming pile of feces into a pile of vomit. You still come off very poorly: arrogant, whimsical, self-aggrandizing, and unprofessional.


Thanks, I addressed a lot of your comments.

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Flips88
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Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 7:42 pm

Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Flips88 » Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:55 pm

Jader wrote:draft #3 -- its about loving logical arguments and how much growth as a person is related to that love or whatever

A few weeks ago I had my final African dance performance. After it, I never felt more confident about my future. Let me explain: I was not anything special. It was just a simple fact that as I mediocre as I was, people were counting on me, and I did not let them down. It does not seem remarkable at first, but if you take an inventory of a successful undergraduate career, you find it is filled with term papers, finals, volunteerism, research projects and first jobs. There is a lot of training, safety nets and second chances and not many make-or-break moments. I found out that when one comes along, even from the most unlikely of sources, it can justify or discredit a lot of what you have done.

I was brought up being told that I was a “math and science kid.” So of course, I began my college career as a neuroscience major with medical school in the crosshairs. However, In about 2 weeks, to the expected dismay of my family, I was nostril-deep in Plato, Kant and Aristotle. I told myself that I was doing real learning. Looking back, I see that I just took pride in understanding things that other people simply could not. As I matured, I stopped taking pride in any perceived superiority to others, and I began judging my work on its own merits. Nearing the end of my undergraduate education, my greatest tangible achievements include individual projects with professors spanning multiple semesters that produced research papers on modern philosophy that greatly developed my analytical abilities. These abilities eventually became an unlikely influence on my personality.

During my sophomore year, I started working for the campus newspaper. This was when I truly began to uncover greater meaning in my scholarly abilities. I was the opinions editor, which was quite a challenge. The skills I learned, and the work I did, will carry me to success for a long time. I learned to understand that content sometimes does not matter. As an editor, a logical argument was really the only thing that mattered to me. I believed, and still do, a bad argument is not only worthless, it damages any idea you are trying to support. I had a personal responsibilities to my own ideas that appeared within my section to make sure they were expressed logically, but that was instantly overtaken by a professional duty to judge (and correct) an argument by its form no matter the content. Before I learned this, I would bounce from libertarian to socialist, from atheist to Buddhist. What I never realized was that it was not the ideas themselves I appreciated and valued, but the method and rigor of their presentation.

Yet there was always something missing, even while I worked as an editor and basked in this apparent utopia of detached reason. It was the same thing that prevented me from seriously considering at a career teaching and writing papers about Heideggar and Derrida even though the opportunity was there. It was suspicion that none of it really mattered. Not many people actually read what I was doing. Even if they were, I could not say even a fantastic argument in either a philosophy journal or a campus newspaper really helped people. I do not have that thought when I think about studying law.
While I cannot confidently say how precisely I will help people with a legal education, I know it will be the reason why I choose to attend. Like all applicants to top law schools, there are many choices in front of me seem, but everything other than a world-class legal education seems superficial, even immature, in comparison.


Leaps and bounds better than your first draft. Still some awkward lines in here:

Before I learned this, I would bounce from libertarian to socialist, from atheist to Buddhist.

Unless I'm mistaken, atheism and Buddhism aren't mutually exclusive.

It was the same thing that prevented me from seriously considering at a career teaching and writing papers about Heideggar and Derrida even though the opportunity was there.


I assume there's a typo in there.

However, In about 2 weeks, to the expected dismay of my family, I was nostril-deep in Plato, Kant and Aristotle. I told myself that I was doing real learning.

a)I don't know if you should say you disappointed your family by not going pre-med.
b)I think you need to explain WHY you switched more in detail. In my first PS which I sent out to a few schools, I talked about switching from Electrical Engineering to Political Science and emphasized that while I excelled in the engineering classes, I felt intellectually unexcited about these classes, while history and political science classes seemed more interesting and socially relevant to me.




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