ayo, check mine out.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Jader
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ayo, check mine out.

Postby Jader » Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:00 pm

draft #3 -- its about loving logical arguments and how much growth as a person is related to that love or whatever

A few weeks ago I had my final African dance performance. After it, I never felt more confident about my future. Let me explain: I was not anything special. It was just a simple fact that as I mediocre as I was, people were counting on me, and I did not let them down. It does not seem remarkable at first, but if you take an inventory of a successful undergraduate career, you find it is filled with term papers, finals, volunteerism, research projects and first jobs. There is a lot of training, safety nets and second chances and not many make-or-break moments. I found out that when one comes along, even from the most unlikely of sources, it can justify or discredit a lot of what you have done.

I was brought up being told that I was a “math and science kid.” So of course, I began my college career as a neuroscience major with medical school in the crosshairs. However, In about 2 weeks, to the expected dismay of my family, I was nostril-deep in Plato, Kant and Aristotle. I told myself that I was doing real learning. Looking back, I see that I just took pride in understanding things that other people simply could not. As I matured, I stopped taking pride in any perceived superiority to others, and I began judging my work on its own merits. Nearing the end of my undergraduate education, my greatest tangible achievements include individual projects with professors spanning multiple semesters that produced research papers on modern philosophy that greatly developed my analytical abilities. These abilities eventually became an unlikely influence on my personality.

During my sophomore year, I started working for the campus newspaper. This was when I truly began to uncover greater meaning in my scholarly abilities. I was the opinions editor, which was quite a challenge. The skills I learned, and the work I did, will carry me to success for a long time. I learned to understand that content sometimes does not matter. As an editor, a logical argument was really the only thing that mattered to me. I believed, and still do, a bad argument is not only worthless, it damages any idea you are trying to support. I had a personal responsibilities to my own ideas that appeared within my section to make sure they were expressed logically, but that was instantly overtaken by a professional duty to judge (and correct) an argument by its form no matter the content. Before I learned this, I would bounce from libertarian to socialist, from atheist to Buddhist. What I never realized was that it was not the ideas themselves I appreciated and valued, but the method and rigor of their presentation.

Yet there was always something missing, even while I worked as an editor and basked in this apparent utopia of detached reason. It was the same thing that prevented me from seriously considering at a career teaching and writing papers about Heideggar and Derrida even though the opportunity was there. It was suspicion that none of it really mattered. Not many people actually read what I was doing. Even if they were, I could not say even a fantastic argument in either a philosophy journal or a campus newspaper really helped people. I do not have that thought when I think about studying law.
While I cannot confidently say how precisely I will help people with a legal education, I know it will be the reason why I choose to attend. Like all applicants to top law schools, there are many choices in front of me seem, but everything other than a world-class legal education seems superficial, even immature, in comparison.
Last edited by Jader on Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:54 pm, edited 7 times in total.

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Jader
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Jader » Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:04 pm

nevermind im going to poison the well:

do you think I should lowball berkeley and just send them the last third, which is only a page? I like it a lot better than the other shit I wrote.

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Moral_Midgetry
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Moral_Midgetry » Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:17 pm

I hope what you're looking for is some constructive criticism.

Initial reactions:

1. I think you are trying way too hard to be different.
2. I doubt Adcomms are going to know what a cripwalk is (However, I don't think it is that important - it is pretty clear from context that it is a dance).
3. Too wordy. Take out some of the adjectives and qualifications.
4. Don't say you're obsessed with anything. It makes you really seem like you should be living under a bridge - and the fact that you tried it only supports that. Considering something more along the lines of "interested."
5. I like the "different but with professionalism" bit.
6. I would remove the bit about "white Jewish" newspaper editors from NY. What if your Adcomm has a Jewish person on it? Generally you don't want to even mention another group of people negatively. Ever. No matter how you qualify it.
7. I loved the ending with the tying in of the "Oz" theme but the way you end it ruins what you gained by using it. By saying "It just has to be better than what I am around now" it reads that "Contemporary society has rejected me and I have rejected it. Berkeley is the only place where I can be different so by default I want to go to Berkeley." Is that what you really want to say here? I don't think so.
8. I would seriously considering taking out the part about reading a lot of Wikipedia.
9. The African dance theme is interesting but it is why you want to go to law school? It tested your spirit? That is why you want to go to law school? You need to elaborate more in that paragraph. It seems incomplete. It seems like you're really stretching for an interesting theme and if you can do it right, I think it could be one. As it is, it needs work.

I would maybe mention some practical benefits so you don't seem so far out there in your dream world - it comes off as immature.

Sorry if this comes off as harsh.

Interesting read though.

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oshberg28
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby oshberg28 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:22 pm

I really hope this is a flame, because it's awful.

J.Straw from Wichita
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby J.Straw from Wichita » Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:37 pm

Jader wrote:[i]
Who am I? I I’m a writer, blogger and aspiring comedian. I ghostwrite for a group of Russian-speaking doctors in New York City—a lot of personal statements for the boards of directors of nearly 9 separate Upper East Side high rises mostly—and I make embarrassing amounts of money doing so. I hate a lot of my own work but other people tend to like it, which probably isn’t a good sign. I read Bukowski, Pynchon, David Foster Wallace and a lot of Wikipedia. I do lots of dumb things people think are smart and lots of smart things people think are dumb. For example, last summer I wanted to see what it’s like to be homeless, so I slept under bridges and read Nietzsche in churches. (I wish could say I got something out of it other than a love for Thus Spoke Zarathustra ). One of my best social skills is my ability to know when situations require rigorous professionalism and, perhaps more importantly, when they don’t. I have two close friends and too many acquaintances. I meditate every day — I describe myself as “kind of Buddhist, kind of Taoist” but I really just like the ideas that all spiritualities have in common. My favorite philosophers are Derrida and Delueze, which is funny because I’m fascinated by hierarchies: the military, corporate ladders, lines of regal succession and fractal geometry are just a few. I am obsessed with outer space, from Battlestar Galactica and Firefly to the controversy surrounding the HARPS data analysis of the extrasolar planet Gliese 581g.


Sometimes situations require moderate professionalism, such as writing a PS for LS

Brownadam26
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Brownadam26 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:03 pm

Woah. :shock: Very daring PS. I like the way you're really cocky throughout the entire thing, but that's all I like. You need to work on grammer and pretty much do something you're use to as a journalist- scrap the entire thing and start over. lol. I don't know if you woke up and wrote this while doing shots or if you took your time and put time into it.

Just do the entire thing over again differently. Also, you sound crazy when you talk about what you want such as you wanting to conquer. This is law school, at this point you either got it or you don't, so, make sure you connote that you are the f***ing conqueror and your coming to LAW SCHOOL TO TAKE IT OVER fo one reason or another... Just sound professional.

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Flips88
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Flips88 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:08 pm

This is the worst personal statement I have read on TLS. no joke. You will get rejected solely because of this.

Edit: Berkeley gives you a 4 page limit for a reason. They don't want a 1 page Why Berkeley. Also, don't start rhetorically with "Why Berkeley?"

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rinkrat19
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:13 pm

Generally, law school essays should not be written as if you are speaking casually to a friendly audience or writing a blog entry. Interesting as this is to read, a certain formality of prose is expected, and yours lacks it. It might be seen as daring (in a good way) by adcomms, but IMO it's incredibly risky unless you're backing it up with 4.0/180-esque numbers and wicked awesome softs that would make you an auto-admit if you submitted a PS written in crayon. And even then, it's liable to backfire.
Last edited by rinkrat19 on Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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$1.99
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby $1.99 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:15 pm

if you scores suck then i would go with it. if your scores are good, go with something less daring.

jasonc.
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby jasonc. » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:20 pm

#fail. This does not make you likable at all.

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Flips88
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Flips88 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:23 pm

Jader wrote:Didn’t you win debate championships back in New York?”
“NO AARON, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!“
African dance? No offence Jeff, but the auditorium was maybe a quarter full and when you tried to crip walk you looked pretty dumb.”
“I tripped, I wasn’t cripwalking. Do you have any idea how racist you’re being? Whatever. For some reason this mattered—I don’t know— I’m proud.”
“But you do stuff daily that is infinitely more impressive than whatever that was.”


Not to brag, but Aaron was right. In high school, I ran my school’s model congress and won a bunch of awards. As one of the chief editors of Tulane’s student newspaper, I put together an impressive collection of journalistic talent, more or less. When I wrote op-eds and editorials myself, other students and professors praised my work. Success, or at least modest achievement by traditional standards, was always around. So the way I felt after my African dance class’ final performance—particularly the newness of it all—just didn’t make sense, at least not initially.

It wasn’t long before I figured it out. I realized that my African dance performance tested my spirit, not my intellect, which explained why it felt so new. That, I understand, might not make too much sense either. I, myself, at least up to that point, wasn’t really aware there was much of a difference. I was aware of adrenaline rushes and the term “glory”—and this is embarrassing—but I never really experienced it before then. It was a make-or-break moment where other people were depending on me. For maybe the first time in my life I was in situation that mattered—it mattered to them in a beautifully primal, selfish way. It was the best. It was the best thing to ever happen to me, and it’s why I’m going to law school. I always kind of knew I had the potential to be a great lawyer, but now I know I will be one.

I know you’re not really supposed to say this, but my life has been pretty easy—even by American standards. Sure, I’ve been around date rapes, overdoses, addictions, sexual abuse, unwanted pregnancies and homophobia. But I’ve always just helped friends with their bi-polar disorders, their abusive boyfriends and their coke habits. I never had any of that. I want to be a conqueror. I want to be a survivor. But life hasn’t given me anything to conquer or survive. Publishing a college newspaper? Debate championships? Nope. I conquered African dance—but African dance was just a prophetic symbol—the vanguard of a new way to exist in the world.

Who am I? I I’m a writer, blogger and aspiring comedian. I ghostwrite for a group of Russian-speaking doctors in New York City—a lot of personal statements for the boards of directors of nearly 9 separate Upper East Side high rises mostly—and I make embarrassing amounts of money doing so. I hate a lot of my own work but other people tend to like it, which probably isn’t a good sign. I read Bukowski, Pynchon, David Foster Wallace and a lot of Wikipedia. I do lots of dumb things people think are smart and lots of smart things people think are dumb. For example, last summer I wanted to see what it’s like to be homeless, so I slept under bridges and read Nietzsche in churches. (I wish could say I got something out of it other than a love for Thus Spoke Zarathustra ). One of my best social skills is my ability to know when situations require rigorous professionalism and, perhaps more importantly, when they don’t. I have two close friends and too many acquaintances. I meditate every day — I describe myself as “kind of Buddhist, kind of Taoist” but I really just like the ideas that all spiritualities have in common. My favorite philosophers are Derrida and Delueze, which is funny because I’m fascinated by hierarchies: the military, corporate ladders, lines of regal succession and fractal geometry are just a few. I am obsessed with outer space, from Battlestar Galactica and Firefly to the controversy surrounding the HARPS data analysis of the extrasolar planet Gliese 581g.


Why do I want to go to your school? I’m a philosophy major, so I can’t pretend my reason is anything more than a strong preference woven together by a lifetime of social conditioning. Yet I can’t shake the thought that the only way I can actually do good¬ and be happy with myself—that fusion of spirit and intellect I talked about earlier--to greatest extent possible is with a J.D from your school. You are my African dance. All the other choices in front of me seem superficial—perhaps immature—in comparison.

(Cut here for all schools except Berkeley)

Why Berkeley? When I told my closest friends and professors I decided on law school, none but a token few expressed any immediate support. I have friends starting communes, creating music festivals and generally trying to save the world. They, of course, thought I was selling out. But they breathed a collective sigh of relief when I told them Berkeley was the dream. Everyone has always told me that I “am Berkeley.” Not blue-and-gold-go-Bears Berkeley—though I’ve been known to show unassuming school spirit at times—but Mario Salvio-bodies-upon-the-gears and Michele Foucault-in-a-BDSM-club Berkeley. Your institution is a bastion of hope for the different, unusual and outcast (and wise and intelligent, of course). Yes, it’s law school and there must be professionalism—but if you all have done anything, then it’s prove that we can be both “different” and professional, which is what I am. I was looking over my application and, with the exception of my expected B.A in Philosophy; I feared I appeared boring—un-Berkeley-like, if you will. Trust me, I know what other debate team leaders are like, and I know what other newspaper editors are like, especially white Jewish ones from New York; they’re brilliant, but sheltered—open and closed-minded at the same time.
Maybe I’m just being arrogant.

I want to walk down a street without getting looks because I have no shoes on. I want to be around women (and men) who don’t happily subscribe to oppressive social scripts. I want to be in a place where people believe you don’t have to choose between acting smart and having fun. I won’t lie, I’ve never been west of Colorado; but from what I hear, I was made for your school. It’s possible that Berkeley is just my Oz, some kind of illusory fantasy town where the streets are paved in postmodernism and no one watches the network news; but it just has to be better than what I am around now. It just has to be.


FTFY

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AreJay711
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby AreJay711 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:25 pm

Flips88 wrote:This is the worst personal statement I have read on TLS. no joke. You will get rejected solely because of this.

Edit: Berkeley gives you a 4 page limit for a reason. They don't want a 1 page Why Berkeley. Also, don't start rhetorically with "Why Berkeley?"

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Moral_Midgetry
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Moral_Midgetry » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:27 pm

Flips88 wrote:
Jader wrote:Didn’t you win debate championships back in New York?”
“NO AARON, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!“
African dance? No offence Jeff, but the auditorium was maybe a quarter full and when you tried to crip walk you looked pretty dumb.”
“I tripped, I wasn’t cripwalking. Do you have any idea how racist you’re being? Whatever. For some reason this mattered—I don’t know— I’m proud.”
“But you do stuff daily that is infinitely more impressive than whatever that was.”


Not to brag, but Aaron was right. In high school, I ran my school’s model congress and won a bunch of awards. As one of the chief editors of Tulane’s student newspaper, I put together an impressive collection of journalistic talent, more or less. When I wrote op-eds and editorials myself, other students and professors praised my work. Success, or at least modest achievement by traditional standards, was always around. So the way I felt after my African dance class’ final performance—particularly the newness of it all—just didn’t make sense, at least not initially.

It wasn’t long before I figured it out. I realized that my African dance performance tested my spirit, not my intellect, which explained why it felt so new. That, I understand, might not make too much sense either. I, myself, at least up to that point, wasn’t really aware there was much of a difference. I was aware of adrenaline rushes and the term “glory”—and this is embarrassing—but I never really experienced it before then. It was a make-or-break moment where other people were depending on me. For maybe the first time in my life I was in situation that mattered—it mattered to them in a beautifully primal, selfish way. It was the best. It was the best thing to ever happen to me, and it’s why I’m going to law school. I always kind of knew I had the potential to be a great lawyer, but now I know I will be one.

I know you’re not really supposed to say this, but my life has been pretty easy—even by American standards. Sure, I’ve been around date rapes, overdoses, addictions, sexual abuse, unwanted pregnancies and homophobia. But I’ve always just helped friends with their bi-polar disorders, their abusive boyfriends and their coke habits. I never had any of that. I want to be a conqueror. I want to be a survivor. But life hasn’t given me anything to conquer or survive. Publishing a college newspaper? Debate championships? Nope. I conquered African dance—but African dance was just a prophetic symbol—the vanguard of a new way to exist in the world.

Who am I? I I’m a writer, blogger and aspiring comedian. I ghostwrite for a group of Russian-speaking doctors in New York City—a lot of personal statements for the boards of directors of nearly 9 separate Upper East Side high rises mostly—and I make embarrassing amounts of money doing so. I hate a lot of my own work but other people tend to like it, which probably isn’t a good sign. I read Bukowski, Pynchon, David Foster Wallace and a lot of Wikipedia. I do lots of dumb things people think are smart and lots of smart things people think are dumb. For example, last summer I wanted to see what it’s like to be homeless, so I slept under bridges and read Nietzsche in churches. (I wish could say I got something out of it other than a love for Thus Spoke Zarathustra ). One of my best social skills is my ability to know when situations require rigorous professionalism and, perhaps more importantly, when they don’t. I have two close friends and too many acquaintances. I meditate every day — I describe myself as “kind of Buddhist, kind of Taoist” but I really just like the ideas that all spiritualities have in common. My favorite philosophers are Derrida and Delueze, which is funny because I’m fascinated by hierarchies: the military, corporate ladders, lines of regal succession and fractal geometry are just a few. I am obsessed with outer space, from Battlestar Galactica and Firefly to the controversy surrounding the HARPS data analysis of the extrasolar planet Gliese 581g.


Why do I want to go to your school? I’m a philosophy major, so I can’t pretend my reason is anything more than a strong preference woven together by a lifetime of social conditioning. Yet I can’t shake the thought that the only way I can actually do good¬ and be happy with myself—that fusion of spirit and intellect I talked about earlier--to greatest extent possible is with a J.D from your school. You are my African dance. All the other choices in front of me seem superficial—perhaps immature—in comparison.

(Cut here for all schools except Berkeley)

Why Berkeley? When I told my closest friends and professors I decided on law school, none but a token few expressed any immediate support. I have friends starting communes, creating music festivals and generally trying to save the world. They, of course, thought I was selling out. But they breathed a collective sigh of relief when I told them Berkeley was the dream. Everyone has always told me that I “am Berkeley.” Not blue-and-gold-go-Bears Berkeley—though I’ve been known to show unassuming school spirit at times—but Mario Salvio-bodies-upon-the-gears and Michele Foucault-in-a-BDSM-club Berkeley. Your institution is a bastion of hope for the different, unusual and outcast (and wise and intelligent, of course). Yes, it’s law school and there must be professionalism—but if you all have done anything, then it’s prove that we can be both “different” and professional, which is what I am. I was looking over my application and, with the exception of my expected B.A in Philosophy; I feared I appeared boring—un-Berkeley-like, if you will. Trust me, I know what other debate team leaders are like, and I know what other newspaper editors are like, especially white Jewish ones from New York; they’re brilliant, but sheltered—open and closed-minded at the same time.
Maybe I’m just being arrogant.

I want to walk down a street without getting looks because I have no shoes on. I want to be around women (and men) who don’t happily subscribe to oppressive social scripts. I want to be in a place where people believe you don’t have to choose between acting smart and having fun. I won’t lie, I’ve never been west of Colorado; but from what I hear, I was made for your school. It’s possible that Berkeley is just my Oz, some kind of illusory fantasy town where the streets are paved in postmodernism and no one watches the network news; but it just has to be better than what I am around now. It just has to be.


FTFY


I retract my first post.

+1 THIS

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Jader
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Jader » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:28 pm

Moral_Midgetry wrote:I hope what you're looking for is some constructive criticism.

Initial reactions:

1. I think you are trying way too hard to be different.
2. I doubt Adcomms are going to know what a cripwalk is (However, I don't think it is that important - it is pretty clear from context that it is a dance).
3. Too wordy. Take out some of the adjectives and qualifications.
4. Don't say you're obsessed with anything. It makes you really seem like you should be living under a bridge - and the fact that you tried it only supports that. Considering something more along the lines of "interested."
5. I like the "different but with professionalism" bit.
6. I would remove the bit about "white Jewish" newspaper editors from NY. What if your Adcomm has a Jewish person on it? Generally you don't want to even mention another group of people negatively. Ever. No matter how you qualify it.
7. I loved the ending with the tying in of the "Oz" theme but the way you end it ruins what you gained by using it. By saying "It just has to be better than what I am around now" it reads that "Contemporary society has rejected me and I have rejected it. Berkeley is the only place where I can be different so by default I want to go to Berkeley." Is that what you really want to say here? I don't think so.
8. I would seriously considering taking out the part about reading a lot of Wikipedia.
9. The African dance theme is interesting but it is why you want to go to law school? It tested your spirit? That is why you want to go to law school? You need to elaborate more in that paragraph. It seems incomplete. It seems like you're really stretching for an interesting theme and if you can do it right, I think it could be one. As it is, it needs work.

I would maybe mention some practical benefits so you don't seem so far out there in your dream world - it comes off as immature.

Sorry if this comes off as harsh.

Interesting read though.


Thanks.

On the ending, the word obsess, wikipedia and the selfhating -jewish thing you're probably right. I don't like that you're right, but you are.

On the wordy thing: what do you mean? I thought the one thing I did get right was a clear, direct voice.


Edited up draft #2 in the OP

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Moral_Midgetry
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Moral_Midgetry » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:33 pm

Jader wrote:On the wordy thing: what do you mean? I thought the one thing I did get right was a clear, direct voice.


Try using shorter and more declarative sentences. You've got too much fluff.

Brownadam26
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Brownadam26 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:34 pm

For example, last summer I wanted to see what it’s like to be homeless, so I slept under bridges and read Nietzsche in churches. (I wish could say I got something out of it other than a love for Thus Spoke Zarathustra ).
[quote][/quote]
This is my favorite part :lol:
This PS is still horrible.

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Jader
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Jader » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:40 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:Generally, law school essays should not be written as if you are speaking casually to a friendly audience or writing a blog entry. Interesting as this is to read, a certain formality of prose is expected, and yours lacks it. It might be seen as daring (in a good way) by adcomms, but IMO it's incredibly risky


The first draft was way out there to sort of high-ball this kind of criticism; is an non-professional tone really a deal-breaker for an acceptable PS? If it is, is the second draft in the right direction or is the tone of the writing just completely wrong?

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verklempt
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby verklempt » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:47 pm

I agree: the voice is clear and direct. The problem is that it's hard to like. And one of your immediate goals with your PS is to get your first reader to fall in love with you. You're trying to be humorous and self-effacing, but you come across as boastful and rude. Making light of date rape and drug addiction? The my-life-has-been-easy-and-I-want-to-suffer/conquer/pilllage/rule stance is just not a very effective one. You're off the top of the snark scale.

I would suggest taking a different tack. You can keep the African dance, but from the perspective of what motivated you to try it, what kept you engaged long enough to learn dances you could perform, why you felt proud of yourself even if you weren't as good as you might have been. What you learned about yourself, what you will take into future endeavors.

(I used to work with someone who was asst director of admissions at Boalt and I'm trying to imagine him reading this PS. I can tell you this: Boalt adcomms roll their eyes every time they see another "different, unusual and outcast" application appear on their screen. Just don't go there.)

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rinkrat19
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:50 pm

Jader wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:Generally, law school essays should not be written as if you are speaking casually to a friendly audience or writing a blog entry. Interesting as this is to read, a certain formality of prose is expected, and yours lacks it. It might be seen as daring (in a good way) by adcomms, but IMO it's incredibly risky


The first draft was way out there to sort of high-ball this kind of criticism; is an non-professional tone really a deal-breaker for an acceptable PS? If it is, is the second draft in the right direction or is the tone of the writing just completely wrong?


Do you see the range of reactions you're getting from TLSers? From "worst PS ever" to "interesting, but woah." Probably a fair prediction of the reactions you'd get from adcomms--collectively, TLSers tend to know their shit. The 2nd draft is better, but still, IMO, way too informal. For instance, it's generally accepted that you should stay away from contractions in a PS.

I do not think this is a case of a bad writer trying too hard to sound sophisticated or smart (which we see a lot on TLS, unfortunately)--I think you're clearly a talented writer. You've just gone too far in one direction for this very specific type of writing.

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Flips88
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Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Flips88 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:57 pm

A) professional writing = no contractions. I count 21 of them. Fix that.
B)
"My favorite philosophers are Derrida and Delueze, which is funny because I’m fascinated by hierarchies: the military, corporate ladders, lines of regal succession and fractal geometry are just a few."
I doubt many AdComms will get why this is funny. Same with your love of space.
C)
"I do lots of dumb things people think are smart and lots of smart things people think are dumb. For example, last summer I wanted to see what it’s like to be homeless, so I slept under bridges and read Nietzsche in churches. (I wish could say I got something out of it other than a love for Thus Spoke Zarathustra )"
This is a dumb thing that is dumb.
D)
"Sure, I’ve been around date rapes, overdoses, addictions, sexual abuse, unwanted pregnancies and homophobia."
Oh, hey, you went to college too.

E)"
...so I can’t pretend my reason is anything more than a strong preference woven together by a lifetime of social conditioning."
What the hell is this supposed to mean?

F)
"I want to be a conqueror. I want to be a survivor."
Conqueror of what? Survivor of what? you just said your life has been really easy.

G) Your whole "Why Berkeley" part is utterly worthless. You mention Salvio and Foucault. They were associated with the school, but not the LAW SCHOOL. Other than that your only mention of the school is how it is "different". Do some damn research. Look up programs, curricula, and clinics. Any decently aware college student can tell you that Berkeley is liberal and different.

I'm being harsh because you need it. You need to be knocked down a peg. If we on this board don't, all the rejects from schools sure as hell will.
Last edited by Flips88 on Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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oshberg28
Posts: 176
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:24 pm

Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby oshberg28 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:58 pm

If you were really the "publisher" (editor?) of your college newspaper, you have to be capable of something better than this.

Brownadam26
Posts: 42
Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 2:33 am

Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Brownadam26 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:03 pm

You should try answering questions like the following:
What will you contribute in a classroom environment?
Prove it ...You have really good grades but the unfortunate reality is that 95% of people applying to Berekley have good grades. So now you all you have to do is qualify your experiences into it. What experiences other than the moronic ones aforementioned have lead you to law school?
How will these experiences aid you and your classmates in the study of law?
You've got something going for you and it's that you're very funny. Mix it all together. If you;re going to do an anecdote, make sure it's only a day and not a whole bunch of random days amalgamated..

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Moral_Midgetry
Posts: 543
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 3:29 pm

Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Moral_Midgetry » Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:04 pm

oshberg28 wrote:If you were really the "publisher" (editor?) of your college newspaper, you have to be capable of something better than this.


Wrong. He's from Tulane.

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Jader
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 5:24 pm

Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Jader » Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:06 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:
Jader wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:Generally, law school essays should not be written as if you are speaking casually to a friendly audience or writing a blog entry. Interesting as this is to read, a certain formality of prose is expected, and yours lacks it. It might be seen as daring (in a good way) by adcomms, but IMO it's incredibly risky


The first draft was way out there to sort of high-ball this kind of criticism; is an non-professional tone really a deal-breaker for an acceptable PS? If it is, is the second draft in the right direction or is the tone of the writing just completely wrong?


Do you see the range of reactions you're getting from TLSers? From "worst PS ever" to "interesting, but woah." Probably a fair prediction of the reactions you'd get from adcomms--collectively, TLSers tend to know their shit. The 2nd draft is better, but still, IMO, way too informal. For instance, it's generally accepted that you should stay away from contractions in a PS.

I do not think this is a case of a bad writer trying too hard to sound sophisticated or smart (which we see a lot on TLS, unfortunately)--I think you're clearly a talented writer. You've just gone too far in one direction for this very specific type of writing.


No everyone's right. I was trying tell myself that personal statement was a forum for creative self-expression or some bullshit.

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Jader
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 5:24 pm

Re: ayo, check mine out.

Postby Jader » Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:15 pm

Flips88 wrote: Your whole "Why Berkeley" part is utterly worthless. You mention Salvio and Foucault. They were associated with the school, but not the LAW SCHOOL. Other than that your only mention of the school is how it is "different". Do some damn research. Look up programs, curricula, and clinics. Any decently aware college student can tell you that Berkeley is liberal and different. [/color]



I see your point but it wasn't supposed to be a separate Why X statement; and listing off the easy bay community law center and their journals and why I think they're awesome doesn't really seem in place in a personal statement.

I mean there's absolutely no way I can truthfully talk about that in any detail other than mention how much I like public interest stuff and how much I like the idea of Berkeley, so therefore I must like that specific program because its got both of those things. I'm obviously wrong, but do you see my point?




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