an intro

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buck28
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Dec 29, 2010 3:41 pm

an intro

Postby buck28 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 3:48 pm

I could barely contain my smile. He had no idea that I had won. It was still more than three moves away, but it was now inevitable: I was going to become the St. Ann School Connect Four champion. It was about two months earlier that I approached my parents as a big-headed, blond-haired third grader – assuredly in some sort of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles attire and a haircut I would later regret – to brief them on the new game I had learned and my plan to win the school-wide tournament at the end of the quarter. They could have sighed, lamenting the fact that the lofty aspirations of their son did not involve astronauts or the White House. But they smiled with a loving parental approval and offered some salient advice in accomplishing one’s goal: “Go the extra mile. And remember: if you want to be a world-champion spaghetti eater… you have to eat a lot of spaghetti.”

Maybe it is not the most traditional wording, but it stuck. I took their words to heart and practiced every day until I developed into what I like to call "a young Bobby Fisher-Price." I can still remember the excitement of the victory, but what really took hold was the confidence gained that any goal is attainable as long as I put forth the effort – a quality that has since been ingrained in me and further developed as I tackled academic, philanthropic and personal challenges throughout college. Such experience not only allows me to feel confident in my ability to succeed in law school but also leaves me eagerly awaiting the opportunity to embrace the challenges law school promises as I yearn for additional growth.

... Thoughts?

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JoeShmoe11
Posts: 355
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 3:16 pm

Re: an intro

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 9:53 pm

buck28 wrote:I could barely contain my smile. He had no idea that I had won. It was still more than three moves away, but it was now inevitable: I was going to become the St. Ann School Connect Four champion. It was about two months earlier that I approached my parents as a big-headed, blond-haired third grader – assuredly in some sort of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles attire and a haircut I would later regret – to brief them on the new game I had learned and my plan to win the school-wide tournament at the end of the quarter. They could have sighed, lamenting the fact that the lofty aspirations of their son did not involve astronauts or the White House. But they smiled with a loving parental approval and offered some salient advice in accomplishing one’s goal: “Go the extra mile. And remember: if you want to be a world-champion spaghetti eater… you have to eat a lot of spaghetti.”

Maybe it is not the most traditional wording, but it stuck. I took their words to heart and practiced every day until I developed into what I like to call "a young Bobby Fisher-Price." I can still remember the excitement of the victory, but what really took hold was the confidence gained that any goal is attainable as long as I put forth the effort – a quality that has since been ingrained in me and further developed as I tackled academic, philanthropic and personal challenges throughout college. Such experience not only allows me to feel confident in my ability to succeed in law school but also leaves me eagerly awaiting the opportunity to embrace the challenges law school promises as I yearn for additional growth.

... Thoughts?


I opened this topic assuming I'd find another bland, uninteresting essay (nothing personal) but it kept me interested until the end and was unique up through the first sentence of the second paragraph. As long as you don't fall into any cliches it seems solid enough to me.

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Moral_Midgetry
Posts: 543
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 3:29 pm

Re: an intro

Postby Moral_Midgetry » Wed Dec 29, 2010 9:59 pm

I was totally duped, thinking "chess champ" until you said connect four. I loved that. I think AdComms will too. Quality first two paragraphs and will stand out.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: an intro

Postby LSATclincher » Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:18 pm

Second para really faded into a "typical" PS. I'd love to read yours in that full "novelist-style" your intro para exudes. I'd offer you mine for some inspiration in your creativity. I think we could bounce ideas of each other's PS's. The intro para had some Rand-esq imagery--a writer who truly inspired me in writing my PS.

Good luck!

FPL
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Dec 29, 2010 1:52 am

Re: an intro

Postby FPL » Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:19 pm

Solid. I too figured I was about to read another personal statement involving an analogy between lawyers and chess players, but literally laughed out loud when I read connect four. The only thing I would change is the first sentence of your second paragraph. Maybe put in, "My parent's phrasing may not have been the most traditional..." Regardless, nice job.

buck28
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Dec 29, 2010 3:41 pm

Re: an intro

Postby buck28 » Thu Dec 30, 2010 1:31 am

Thanks for the feedback all. I was hoping people would find humor in the idea of opening with a third grade Connect Four story and that it might showcase a part of my personality (a mildly witty individual that does not take himself too seriously). I would have liked to keep it going with the "novelistic" approach of the first paragraph/first line of second paragraph... but I had to eventually talk about something more substantial..right? (Although I did still try to keep it light with some more self depreciating humor throughout)




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