Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

How close am I?

Ready to go!
1
13%
Needs a little work
0
No votes
Needs a lot of work
4
50%
Erase and start over
3
38%
 
Total votes: 8

cayerjt
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 2:37 pm

Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

Postby cayerjt » Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:42 am

deleted
Last edited by cayerjt on Fri Apr 08, 2011 4:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

sandaltan
Posts: 114
Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2009 12:42 am

Re: Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

Postby sandaltan » Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:51 am

i read the first paragraph and i dunno what the hell youre talking about.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

Postby sparty99 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:03 am

I have no idea what you are saying in the first few paragraphs.

Your word usage is too clumsy and verbose.

"vigorously", "myriad private affairs untold," "revitalized understanding," "spurred", "In the midst of an interim course," "displacing all of the structure's residents,"

"Thwart an attempt" , "Blanket the cost", "distressing situation", "astonished glances", "dangerously private information,", "Much-needed" "vicariously" , "Long overdue" "nasty experience.

You are a college graduate and this is not an academic paper. Keep it simple. Brevity is a virtue.

jasonc.
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:22 am

Re: Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

Postby jasonc. » Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:06 am

Our attorney’s professional demeanor intrigued me as I explained the invasive conversation with our landlord that left me deeply concerned. The lawyer’s high level of intellect and fluency in the language of the law was showcased as he spontaneously recorded a message riddled with legal terminology onto a tape recorder flawlessly in one take. My roommate and I exchanged astonished glances. Really was it that serious? Finally, I felt the power an advocate could have in a distressing situation. No longer would tenants of the building quietly be strong-armed into turning over dangerously private information in exchange for the safe return of much-needed security deposits.

Vicariously, through our lawyer, I understood the satisfaction from successfully advocating on another’s behalf. Or rather, I could infer this from the smile breaking on his otherwise serious face as he excitedly returned our long overdue security deposits. This nasty experience, while of course not the end of the world, undoubtedly is what spurred my curiosity in law. Being able to modify a contract, however, took the curiosity a step further and caused me to realize how my personal strengths could flourish into those essential for business law.

In my interview for a position at the university newspaper, I proposed drastic changes to rekindle the failing publication after researching the business operations of newspapers, big and small, for weeks. As a newly minted advertising manager I experienced what it means to provide strength in an arduous situation. Everyone else in line for the job relinquished his or her chance to head the only student organization on campus over $30,000 in debt. Jumping at the opportunity, I moved from the lowest position to having as much power as the editor-in-chief. I vigorously investigated the paper’s financial demise, discovering and then rewriting a section of the advertising contract containing a loophole preventing delinquent accounts from being turned over to a collection agency and thus becoming uncollectable. I then went before the financial commission threatening to close our doors to prove why a niche source of information would not fail like the big newspapers. I refused to give up on the publication imperative to keeping students informed and subsequently active on campus issues. The negotiations were thrilling for me and we moved forward with a staff that believed in me although I had generated nothing tangible to substantiate my theory of how the business could be fixed.

The effect I saw small changes could have on the newspaper and its resulting fulfillment brought my understanding of the law’s impact, even at the most fundamental level of contract law, into perspective. This has developed far beyond a curiosity and while I didn’t always know I wanted to become an attorney, this compilation of experiences has strongly directed my life towards pursuing a previously unrecognized passion—sitting right in front of me all along.[/quote]
The color represents all the words that made me roll my eyes. seriously no one is impressed by your usage.It made it a real difficult task to read.This needs alot of work

jasonc.
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:22 am

Re: Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

Postby jasonc. » Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:08 am

oh and what are you talking about? the whole marble story telling thing is a fail.

ryokoyuy
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2010 5:16 pm

Re: Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

Postby ryokoyuy » Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:11 am

I agree with the above comments - this needs a lot of work. My main new comment is that your statement is just too long. Seriously, with all the applications the admissions committee has to read, something short and to the point will give a better impression than something longer.

cayerjt
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 2:37 pm

Re: Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

Postby cayerjt » Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:31 am

Thank you!

User avatar
prismz
Posts: 44
Joined: Sat Oct 30, 2010 12:01 am

Re: Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

Postby prismz » Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:12 am

the first paragraph can be seriously misinterpreted...

the body is compelling, just shorten its length

User avatar
Jack Smirks
Posts: 1340
Joined: Sat May 15, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

Postby Jack Smirks » Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:25 am

Dude are you writing this with a thesaurus in hand? You need to get rid of a lot of this.

cayerjt
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 2:37 pm

Re: Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

Postby cayerjt » Wed Dec 29, 2010 1:30 pm

haha no, I think just too much coffee in me.

User avatar
Jader
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 5:24 pm

Re: Revised personal statement. Ready to go?!

Postby Jader » Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:27 pm

totally thought your grandmother was a prostitute for the first two or three sentences

disappointment followed




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