Pleases review and critique please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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dink3500
Posts: 34
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 10:19 am

Pleases review and critique please

Postby dink3500 » Tue Dec 28, 2010 11:03 am

Here my personal statement, I just finished my second draft. I want to send in ass soon as scores come out so any advice would be helpful.

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In the neighborhood where I grew up, I was led to believe that I did not have many options for a decent future. I grew up in the inner city of Orlando, Florida, which is better known to most as Disneyworld. The actual city is a different, daunting reality than the amusement park, where the expectations of kids from my neighborhood was that we would grow up to become involved in criminal activity, work a dead-end job in the tourist industry, or rely on government support. My mother wanted me to have further options. The summer before my freshman year of high school she decided we were going to move back to Ohio, where I was born. The neighborhood we moved to was not much of an improvement from where we were before, but the support was amazing. My grandparents and teachers functioned as my safety net.
In high school I involved myself in as many activities as possible to escape difficulties at home. With four children in the house with a single mother, there was hardly enough money, food or time to go around. I played a sport every season, which meant I was away from home a lot and my neighborhood did not get a chance to drag me into its web of peer pressure. School was my escape and it showed me that there were multiple means of escaping from poverty. I returned home at the end of every day only to find myself looking for a reason to not be there. During my senior year one option stood out among the rest. I resolved that I would get higher education, where I would be the first in my family to matriculate at a university or college. Aside from being the best option for me, it showed my siblings that there were options other than low-skilled jobs and crime. However, my family had little money, so I joined the Ohio Army National Guard to ease the financial burden.
Joining the Army was a pivotal moment in my life. It instilled within me vital values to live a decent life, including loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity, and personal courage. Early into my military career a tragedy shook my reality. I was beginning the second phase of my military training when I received a phone call that my little brother was in a coma after suffering brain trauma from a car accident. I packed a quick bag and was at my mother’s side before the day ended. My brother was the youngest of four, and when I saw him, I burst into tears, the first time my mother had seen me cry since I was eight years old. Turmoil was spreading within everyone like wildfire. I contemplated staying there, and not returning to training in order to support my family and told my mother what I was considering. My mother firmly told me that I should return and finish my training, because I found my way out of our dead-end neighborhood, and she was very proud of me. She said she would carry the personal burdens of our family, so that one day when I accomplished an education, then I would be better able to ease her burden. I returned to the Army, finished training and then attended the University of Akron in Ohio.
The accident caused severe brain swelling. In order for my brother to survive the ordeal, the doctors had to remove a piece of his frontal lobe. The accident severely affected many of my brother’s brain functions. He would have to be under constant care and supervision the rest of his life. My mother took on most of the burden on her own, but I send her money when I can. Her burden would have been lessened if her lawsuit had not been tied up within the legal system ever since the accident. The driver admitted fault, yet my mother and brother have yet to receive a settlement four years later. Because of this situation, my family does not have any financial stability, meaning my brother is not receiving the level of medical and nursing care that he desperately needs.
It is said that the legal system is blind, that everyone is treated equally within the eyes of the law. However this is not always the situation, because the legal system is not perfect. My brother has fallen victim to a flawed system. Our family does not have the financial means to hire additional legal services so my brother would be able to receive the care that he so desperately needs. One day I will be in a position to help improve my family’s protection and care. I want to be a lawyer who fosters change by setting new precedent. I want to ensure that cases are handled fairly, quickly, and with proper resolutions for all persons involved. A person should have fair and equal representation whether they are rich or poor, and they should all be judged in the same manner.

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verklempt
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Re: Pleases review and critique please

Postby verklempt » Tue Dec 28, 2010 1:42 pm

Whoa! You're trying to cover a lot of ground here. A PS doesn't need to be an autobiography. Seems to me your essay is really about this:

"My brother has fallen victim to a flawed system."

You might want to start your PS with a description of the accident, then explain how, for you, it highlights a problem with the legal system (You're talking about access to counsel? Or affordability? Or something else?) Your brother's situation can be a compelling example of the problem you want to address, but you want to expand your reach beyond that. Talk about your own skills or personal attributes -- demonstrated, perhaps, in the military -- that will make you a solid student and a good lawyer.

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dink3500
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Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 10:19 am

Re: Pleases review and critique please

Postby dink3500 » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:52 pm

verklempt wrote:Whoa! You're trying to cover a lot of ground here. A PS doesn't need to be an autobiography. Seems to me your essay is really about this:

"My brother has fallen victim to a flawed system."

You might want to start your PS with a description of the accident, then explain how, for you, it highlights a problem with the legal system (You're talking about access to counsel? Or affordability? Or something else?) Your brother's situation can be a compelling example of the problem you want to address, but you want to expand your reach beyond that. Talk about your own skills or personal attributes -- demonstrated, perhaps, in the military -- that will make you a solid student and a good lawyer.


Keep the critiques come so I can work on my final revisions . Thx for your input

RockinJosh
Posts: 30
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 7:35 pm

Re: Pleases review and critique please

Postby RockinJosh » Tue Dec 28, 2010 9:52 pm

"where the expectations of kids from my neighborhood was that we would grow up " this should be ""where the expectations of kids from my neighborhood WERE that" or ""where the EXPECTATION of kids from my neighborhood was" ---- you need agreement between the plural or single of expectations and was/were

"In high school I involved myself" comma after high school?

"Early into my military career a tragedy shook my reality. I was beginning the second phase of my military training when " The second instance of "military" could be deleted and you could just say "second phase of my training" to avoid being repetitive

"However this is not" comma after however

Good luck!

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Pleases review and critique please

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Dec 28, 2010 10:05 pm

"sent" money, not "send".

I really enjoyed reading your personal statement. You have established credibility, motivation & a sense of purpose. Readers will like you--as they should.

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dink3500
Posts: 34
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 10:19 am

Re: Pleases review and critique please

Postby dink3500 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 1:33 am

Fix the errors noted. Still want to compile some more critiques before i write my final draft so keep them rolling. Thanks to all those who already commented




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