First draft!! Have fun ripping it apart, I need it!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Dripworx
Posts: 161
Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 2:12 pm

First draft!! Have fun ripping it apart, I need it!!

Postby Dripworx » Fri Dec 24, 2010 6:52 pm

“Lo unico que te podemos dejar, es la educación.” This dicho or “saying” was one of many that my Mother engrained into my mind since early childhood, for as long as I could remember or think back. Reflecting on my childhood has become a tool of sorts which allowed me, as I grew older, to understand some of the peripheral situations that were going on around me as a child. There were many times that I could remember now, where my father would stumble in after a long night at work, and begin to instigate, looking for something or someone to fight with; for entertainment or perhaps sheer pleasure. The mind and environment of an alcoholic always intrigued me once I was able to come to terms with the fact that I grew up in an alcoholic family. I remember when my father would be the most transparent yet destructive being I had ever encountered: there, but never there. Seeing how one person could destroy so much with so little taught me to appreciate what I had, no matter what it was.

I will never forget when he fell into an alcohol-induced coma one night. It was the first time I realized that I actually appreciated the little I had for a father. As a teen, I constantly found myself reporting to therapists, guidance counselors and mediators over my behavior in school; I became the embodiment of defiance spanning from elementary school all the way up until graduation. My contention with authority proved to be such a powerful facet of my character, that I allowed it to define my life, including my academic career to the disappointment of many and particularly myself. As a young adult, I could remember hearing the word “potential” so often it made me sick to think what I could be doing rather than what I chose to do at the time. My priorities were polarized and reversed all throughout high school and early college, and eventually my decisions had caught up to me by the time I was in my sophomore year in college.

When I attended my grandfathers funeral halfway through my first semester of sophomore year, I realized what life really meant to me and what I needed to do in order to attain my happiness. I had to choose a path that was my passion. I had to love what I’d do for the rest of my life. The hardships I faced as a child with my father, and as an adult with loss of my grandfather who was my idol, gave me the momentum, motivation and strength to bounce back from my dip in performance and poor choices that marked my academic career, and my life.

Looking back on the saying my mother had told me when I was a child which meant: “The only thing we can leave to you (after we’re gone), is an education.”, I realized that her words of wisdom were not in vain. My mistakes, successes, and future goals all had a purpose to which I may not have had the clarity to see at the time, but ultimately have become so with the experience I have gained now and will so in the future. What my father taught me was how to regain control of my own life, after seeing him lose his own. What my grandfather taught me through his patience and wisdom, was how to become who I wanted to be, and that the only thing that could hold me from doing so was myself, to which I proudly contested and thought “I will not allow that”.

There are two kinds of people in this world, the “Haves” and “Have-nots”, as one of my most influential figures in my undergraduate legal classes, Dr. Z, had accented the reality of our justice system. This reflected the statistical trend behind those who have significant resources, and those who don’t. This dichotomy within our legal system fueled me to believe, “I can change the statistical outcome of those who do not have”. I finally felt like my life had a purpose, like I had a place to go, like I had control. My life has continued to become more about the shaping and formation of who I will be in the future, and thus the time came where I had to choose which school would teach me the most about my passion. Law has become my passion, however music has been a part of my life for as early as I could remember, with my father being a musician and talent agent, my attraction and inclination for music was natural and continues throughout my life. My goal to become an entertainment attorney; working with artists and musicians will hopefully allow me to merge my experiences throughout my life into a career that I love.

With a degree from XXXX I can confidently say, that I could not have been better prepared by anyone else. In this life, there are few things left that are truly permanent, one of those I know for a fact is education, and my investment in education can only be trusted to the hands of the best, this is why I would be honored and proud to accept an entrance to XXXX, the School of law that would allow me to become the best attorney I could be.

Geist13
Posts: 739
Joined: Sat Oct 10, 2009 3:21 pm

Re: First draft!! Have fun ripping it apart, I need it!!

Postby Geist13 » Fri Dec 24, 2010 7:12 pm

this is all over the place. You need a coherent piece, not just a bunch of random bits about yourself. For example, the bit about the father doesn't appear to have any connection for the bit about education. What does music have to do with the "have and have nots." Pick one theme and go with it. Also, the writing needs to be tightened up. There's tons of verb confusion; it comes off as sloppy.

Also this is ridiculous:
Dripworx wrote: “I can change the statistical outcome of those who do not have”.


followed by:
Dripworx wrote:My goal to become an entertainment attorney; working with artists and musicians will hopefully allow me to merge my experiences throughout my life into a career that I love.

Dripworx
Posts: 161
Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 2:12 pm

Re: First draft!! Have fun ripping it apart, I need it!!

Postby Dripworx » Fri Dec 24, 2010 7:25 pm

Yes I feel exactly like that about it! I have so many things I want to say, I just don't know what would be the strongest facet to accent... I want to stick to the education part, and tie it in to the experience with my prof. I really just sat down and threw a bunch of stuff out to see what direction would be the strongest. I re-read the clumsy writing and I see it, thanks for pointing it out.

Thank you for the feedback, I'm gonna keep revising and post the edit soon.

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kitmitzi
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: First draft!! Have fun ripping it apart, I need it!!

Postby kitmitzi » Fri Dec 24, 2010 8:02 pm

If you have a first sentence in a foreign language, at least provide a translation. It's kind of frustrating for the reader to have no idea what you mean.

Dripworx
Posts: 161
Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 2:12 pm

Re: First draft!! Have fun ripping it apart, I need it!!

Postby Dripworx » Fri Dec 24, 2010 9:19 pm

Looking back on the saying my mother had told me when I was a child which meant: “The only thing we can leave to you (after we’re gone), is an education.”

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kitmitzi
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: First draft!! Have fun ripping it apart, I need it!!

Postby kitmitzi » Fri Dec 24, 2010 9:30 pm

Ooh, oops. Sorry I missed that. Maybe you should put that higher because to be honest I stopped reading after the first paragraph because I was confused.




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