Please critique my rewrite

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Lady_In_Red
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm

Please critique my rewrite

Postby Lady_In_Red » Fri Dec 24, 2010 2:41 pm

Edited.
Last edited by Lady_In_Red on Thu Dec 30, 2010 8:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Lady_In_Red
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby Lady_In_Red » Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:15 pm

Bump...46 views and no reply. Is it that bad?

mediation_86
Posts: 64
Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 12:43 am

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby mediation_86 » Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:32 pm

check your messages, i gave you some criticism, i also sent you mine. give me some feedback. thanks

jasonc.
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:22 am

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby jasonc. » Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:43 pm

Lady_In_Red wrote:I watched in horror as she tumbled violently down the mountain slope, hitting jagged rocks and dense tree trunks at an extraordinary velocity. A peaceful afternoon hike on Pennsylvania’s Spruce Mountain should have never ended so disastrously. This was a sentiment shared by my fellow campers and our four camp counselors, one of whom lost her footing when we retreated from the mountain. As she made her ill-fated descent, our mood soured. Shuffling feet came to an abrupt halt. The mouths that once bellowed shrieks of laughter were now eerily silent. We waited. After what seemed like an eternity, her body struck a huge tree, and she stopped rolling. No sounds emanated from her limp form. Fearing the worst, we ran to her as quickly as the rugged terrain allowed. Thankfully, her only injuries were a broken arm, minor head trauma, and a few cuts and bruises.


The story seems to be there just to tell a story.I dont like really like especially your word choice makes it seem like you dont really care and that your just righting in a style that you think people will like . and its seems a bit forced connecting this to advocacy. I would just talk about the neighboorhood more and cut out this camping trip story.its a bit too cliche.

Pneumatic
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 3:41 am

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby Pneumatic » Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:50 pm

jasonc. wrote:
Lady_In_Red wrote:I watched in horror as she tumbled violently down the mountain slope, hitting jagged rocks and dense tree trunks at an extraordinary velocity. A peaceful afternoon hike on Pennsylvania’s Spruce Mountain should have never ended so disastrously. This was a sentiment shared by my fellow campers and our four camp counselors, one of whom lost her footing when we retreated from the mountain. As she made her ill-fated descent, our mood soured. Shuffling feet came to an abrupt halt. The mouths that once bellowed shrieks of laughter were now eerily silent. We waited. After what seemed like an eternity, her body struck a huge tree, and she stopped rolling. No sounds emanated from her limp form. Fearing the worst, we ran to her as quickly as the rugged terrain allowed. Thankfully, her only injuries were a broken arm, minor head trauma, and a few cuts and bruises.


The story seems to be there just to tell a story.I dont like really like especially your word choice makes it seem like you dont really care and that your just righting in a style that you think people will like . and its seems a bit forced connecting this to advocacy. I would just talk about the neighboorhood more and cut out this camping trip story.its a bit too cliche.


I agree. Also, not to be an a-hole,but I don't like the overall approach.

User avatar
kitmitzi
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby kitmitzi » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:34 am

A few weeks after the camping trip, I left home to begin my college education. All the while, I could not help but think about the thousands of people in Morrisania who did not have my fortune.


Are you saying you went to college at 15? Is your high school called a college? I've heard of that before but it confuses me.

Also, in what way are you talking about "fortune"? If it's fortune as in you have your health and aren't impoverished then that's okay. Maybe elaborate what you mean by fortune.

As for your premise, it seems okay but your conclusion that you failed as an advocate at 15 is kind of iffy. As a former camp counselor I know that even if you were the best advocate ever, it probably wouldn't have mattered. They didn't ignore you because of your arguments, it's because no one cares what campers have to say. So I wouldn't link that story to advocacy. And at the end when you say "someone I care for"...it was a camp counselor. If you're going to be claiming an emotional bond, maybe elaborate on how close you were or something? meh

User avatar
verklempt
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 6:59 pm

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby verklempt » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:42 am

In general, I don't like the dramatic "cold opens" (first scene in a James Bond movie). It comes across as trying too hard to be different. If you can tie it into the rest of the statement, it could work; in this case, it doesn't.

Seems to me that the core of this PS is about the work you have done for the nonprofit organization. Maybe you can use this as a starting point, drill down a little, talk about the situation and what you have done to address the problems (rather than presenting us with a high-level overview). Make it personal. Highlight the characteristics that not only illustrate why you are a unique person but why you are so well suited to the career you are pursuing.

Lady_In_Red
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby Lady_In_Red » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:34 pm

verklempt wrote:In general, I don't like the dramatic "cold opens" (first scene in a James Bond movie). It comes across as trying too hard to be different. If you can tie it into the rest of the statement, it could work; in this case, it doesn't.


Verklempt, why did it not work in your opinion?

Lady_In_Red
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby Lady_In_Red » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:46 pm

kitmitzi wrote:
A few weeks after the camping trip, I left home to begin my college education. All the while, I could not help but think about the thousands of people in Morrisania who did not have my fortune.


Are you saying you went to college at 15? Is your high school called a college? I've heard of that before but it confuses me.

Also, in what way are you talking about "fortune"? If it's fortune as in you have your health and aren't impoverished then that's okay. Maybe elaborate what you mean by fortune.

As for your premise, it seems okay but your conclusion that you failed as an advocate at 15 is kind of iffy. As a former camp counselor I know that even if you were the best advocate ever, it probably wouldn't have mattered. They didn't ignore you because of your arguments, it's because no one cares what campers have to say. So I wouldn't link that story to advocacy. And at the end when you say "someone I care for"...it was a camp counselor. If you're going to be claiming an emotional bond, maybe elaborate on how close you were or something? meh


I left to go to college a few weeks after the incident; I had graduated high school and turned 16 by then. I didn't realize that was confusing.

I get what you're saying about fortune. But, I don't get what you're saying about my conclusion. The point I was trying to make is not that my camp counselor didn't listen to me. It's that I pulled back when there was more I could have done, and that I don't want to do the same thing to my community. Did that point not come across in your opinion?

User avatar
verklempt
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 6:59 pm

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby verklempt » Tue Dec 28, 2010 3:18 pm

You jump from dramatic incident to socioeconomic commentary with barely a transition. "When I returned to the Bronx after the camping trip, my feelings of defeat faded as something else caught my attention" does not really serve to pull the two halves together. As an adcomm, I am left wondering why you included the opening story, and may conclude that you read somewhere that you need to start your essay with a riveting anecdote.

"The point I was trying to make is not that my camp counselor didn't listen to me. It's that I pulled back when there was more I could have done, and that I don't want to do the same thing to my community. Did that point not come across in your opinion?"

That point came across, but not in a constructive way. Now, if you could show that this incident motivated you to do some soul searching and resulted in your taking positive action in your community -- that could be a much stronger statement.

User avatar
ads222
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2010 1:50 am

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby ads222 » Tue Dec 28, 2010 4:46 pm

To add to what everyone else is saying, you should read this: http://www.law.berkeley.edu/5188.htm

Your intro mentions "watch[ing] in horror," an "ill-fated descent," and something ending "so disastrously." It would be an appropriate introduction if you witnessed someone fall to his death while summiting Mt. Everest. You saw a girl break her arm. Not the same thing.

Don't be afraid of introductions that don't shock. I think a good writer can make a mundane image into something that reads compellingly. I've had really good results in spite of mediocre numbers, and I wrote my introduction about cardboard boxes in an office.

Lady_In_Red
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby Lady_In_Red » Tue Dec 28, 2010 6:06 pm

Thanks verklepmt and ads222. Your comments were helpful. Will be revising my PS...again.

RockinJosh
Posts: 30
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 7:35 pm

Re: Please critique my rewrite

Postby RockinJosh » Tue Dec 28, 2010 9:42 pm

Like with the last advice i offered, there is already some good editing done on the content. So, i'll just add my 2 cents about some quick style/grammar things I saw.

"to actively participate" This is a split infinitive. It could instead be "to participate actively"

"retorted" -- I'm not saying this is what you did, but it always jumps out at me when someone has a very lucid, clear writing style with fairly simple word choice (which I like) and then a word like this comes up. It seems like a right-click>thesaurus move, and it breaks the continuity of that sentence.

"But, this time holding back is not an option." you use a comma after but here, but you do not use one in an earlier sentence you start with "but." -- I'm not sure which is better (though this one seems awkward) but I would be consistent, whichever way you choose.


Nice statement. Good luck!




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.