Critique needed for PS! Please and Thank You!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
justinr08
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 6:48 pm

Critique needed for PS! Please and Thank You!

Postby justinr08 » Thu Dec 23, 2010 6:58 pm

Opportunity

Life often presents us with opportunity. Many times this opportunity will greatly impact our life as well as the lives of others based on our decision to grasp this opportunity or let it slip by. Sadly enough, many individuals choose to avoid some opportunities out of fear, unwillingness to put forth the effort, or lack of self confidence. However, in order to make the most of these opportunities, one must overcome the fear, put forth the effort and gain the self confidence necessary to seize the opportunity at hand.

One such opportunity came my way just after my high school graduation. I have played baseball for most of my life, so when my high school coach asked if I would help coach a summer league team I could not pass on this opportunity to spend time helping these young men improve in a sport they love, as well as helping them grow as young adults. I enjoyed that summer so much that I decided to start my own team for teen aged boys who had a desire to work on the game year round. Similar to most commitments in life, it turned out to be much more demanding than I had previously expected. Dealing with the financials of running a non-profit registered business, managing players, dealing with parents, and working with other coaches while maintaining my grades in college was no easy task. But just as the work load was greater than anticipated, so were the rewards. The impact of spending a great amount of time with the players along with the opportunity to watch them grow in baseball and in their lives was well worth the weekends spent traveling to tournaments and then studying all night after arriving home from a long night of practice. The decision to take on the team as my sole means of income was not an easy one. At the time I thought of countless reasons why I should pass on the opportunity to coach the team; but I knew that it would be an opportunity well worth the sacrifice.

Another significant opportunity came my way this past summer as I was able to participate in an internship at the Federal Court House in __________, Texas. Although I was nervous to be in the midst of well known attorneys and brilliant judges, I knew that this was where I needed to be. Because I had never set foot inside a courtroom and have no bloodline to the legal world, I knew I had much to learn to be successful in this new environment. Although the procedures of the court room were all new to me, I quickly caught on and in a matter of hours I was able to recite the questions for determining court appointed counsel and had a good understanding of processing a case through the system. When I decided I wanted to go to law school several years ago, I knew I would have to put forth more effort than the typical prospective law student who may have grown up in a family of lawyers. Along with interning at the Federal Court House, I attended three summer courses at my University, traveled to different locations in East Texas and Western Louisiana on the weekends coaching Summer League baseball, and prepared for the LSAT. Even though this would be a very busy summer, I knew that this was a great opportunity which would provide the experience necessary in order to set myself apart from other prospective students. Not only did this internship with __________ enhance my knowledge of the process of law but also served to solidify my decision to pursue a degree in the field of law.

In life we are given opportunities like those discussed above that can greatly impact our lives as well as the lives of others. After deciding to attend law school many years ago, my exact college choice was still unclear. During my internship with __________, a ___________ alumnus, he often spoke of the great experience he had as a student there. I was given the opportunity to visit __________ with __________ this summer and it was then that I realized I too wanted to pursue my law school studies there. Given the opportunity, I know with immense confidence that I will make the most of being a student at the _________ and I will use my education to serve people and greatly impact their lives in a positive manner.

justinr08
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 6:48 pm

Re: Critique needed for PS! Please and Thank You!

Postby justinr08 » Fri Dec 24, 2010 1:02 am

Hello all, any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time!

jasonc.
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:22 am

Re: Critique needed for PS! Please and Thank You!

Postby jasonc. » Fri Dec 24, 2010 1:49 am

y
justinr08 wrote:Life often presents us with opportunity. Many times this opportunity will greatly impact our life as well as the lives of others based on our decision to grasp this opportunity or let it slip by. Sadly enough, many individuals choose to avoid some opportunities out of fear, unwillingness to put forth the effort, or lack of self confidence. However, in order to make the most of these opportunities, one must overcome the fear, put forth the effort and gain the self confidence necessary to seize the opportunity at hand.



the word opportunity is used too much . Throughout the whole essay(overkill).and is especially annoying in the opening. can you change i t up a t bit.

justinr08 wrote:In life we are given opportunities like those discussed above that can greatly impact our lives as well as the lives of others. After deciding to attend law school many years ago, my exact college choice was still unclear. During my internship with __________, a ___________ alumnus, he often spoke of the great experience he had as a student there. I was given the opportunity to visit __________ with __________ this summer and it was then that I realized I too



this is unnecessary.


Overall i think you do show that you developed certain skills to be successful in law school so it all good.

trickydicky
Posts: 55
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2009 3:02 am

Re: Critique needed for PS! Please and Thank You!

Postby trickydicky » Fri Dec 24, 2010 3:24 am

IMHO, the opening comes off way to sappy. Helping young people improve at the game they love yada yada yada.

Get more specific and get rid of the romantic language

justinr08
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 6:48 pm

Re: Critique needed for PS! Please and Thank You!

Postby justinr08 » Fri Dec 24, 2010 3:52 am

Thanks for the opinions. I def do say opportunity too much in the opening and can find a way to change that so TY for pointing that out. The Federal Judge whom I interned with (and who also wrote one of my Letters of Rec) is an alumni at the college that I am sending the paper to so I thought it would be a chance to say that we visited it together and he has somewhat mentored me and a combination of all of that is what made me decide to attend there as well... Do you feel those few sentences are still a bad idea or worth leaving in? Thanks again for your time, it has not gone unappreciated!




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