(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Postby doukycats » Thu Dec 23, 2010 11:18 am

Last edited by doukycats on Fri Sep 09, 2011 8:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: PS draft - please critique me!

Postby jasonc. » Thu Dec 23, 2010 11:28 am

It seems pefectlty okay. You could cut out or condense the the two paragraphs about your indepence as a teen. Just edit alot of unecessary words. And are u saying trying to get a way from your patents made u perfom poorly in college? Didn't get that part

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Re: PS draft - please critique me!

Postby gdane » Thu Dec 23, 2010 2:01 pm

The part that captured my attention the most was from "I have regrets..." to "...our relationship is stronger than it has ever been". This small section does a great job of illustrating your maturity and overall thesis, which is "I was an idiot, I thought I knew it all, but I now know better".

However, you have too much fluff in your essay. Most of what you wrote is essential to your essay, but you can condense a lot of it. You spend too much time talking about your father's faults. While your father is crucial to the essay, you dont need to "attack" him so much. It's pretty apparent that he may not have been the best role model or figure in your life early on in the essay.

Some things you should remove or alter:

I liked making my own money and feeling independent; I liked the feeling of knowing that I earned the things I bought, unlike others with everything given to them.

This may rub people in the wrong way. "Unlike others with everything given to them" is a bitter generalization that elicits negative responses. Also, dont say that you liked earning the things you bought. The word bought makes it seem as if though you worked only to buy yourself things. This combined with the aforementioned quote makes you seem kind of self absorbed.

responsibility for oneself may be commendable, but responsibility for oneself as a prerequisite to responsibility towards others is exemplary.

Again, a generalization. Change this line to illustrate that this is your opinion. I read this and I thought to myself "I dont think this is true".

The next step in the process, I hope, is law school. Whatever my future holds, though, I know I must keep up a determination to succeed and to improve myself. As long as I am dogged in my pursuit of my goals, I will not fail. I share this view with Og Mandino who said, “Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.”

This line feels forced. How is law school the next step in your process of maturing? You could say "The next step in the process, I hope, is tap dancing" and the impact of the line wouldnt change. In other words, it doesnt add anything to your essay. You shift focus to failure in the last paragraph. Why? You spent most of your essay talking about something else. Why did you choose to quote Og Mandingo? Again, you couldve quoted Rick James who said "Cocaine is a hell of a drug" and it wouldnt have added anything to your essay.

Overall, you have a good topic. Your thesis is good. Stick to it. You try to hit on too many topics and one can never get a true feel for what youre trying to convey. Remove some of the bitter elements from this essay. I understand that the events of your past may have made you feel that way, but as a reader I dont want to read an essay that makes me feel angry and pissed off at someone else.

Good luck!

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Re: PS draft - please critique me!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Dec 23, 2010 2:28 pm

CONSIDER: Deleting the last sentence.

It may help if you realize that your essay is about personal growth & your willingness to continue to grow--which is admirable.

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