PS Draft 5! Please critique so I can send off

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mrick101
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2010 11:28 pm

PS Draft 5! Please critique so I can send off

Postby mrick101 » Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:54 pm

And here I bring yet another draft of my PS. I doubt this is the last draft, but I'm hoping I'm getting in the right direction finally. Here are my few concerns: 1.) are the beginning details in the second and third paragraph too long, 2.) does the overall PS offer a good personal application of myself to law school, and 3.) is the overall PS too lengthy for what it offers?

Please read and don't hold anything back. I'm looking for mainly content critiques, but anything as small as a few grammar corrections are amazing too.

Thanks.

Edited from original to below

Growing up, I saw the families of my friends and became jealous. Compared to theirs, my family was full of conflict. It was not short of love or caring for me; it was just full of fighting. Though as much fighting as there was, I could never ignore it, whether I wanted to or not. Each fight stirred me to jump in the middle and attempt to put an end to it. It is this unwavering sense of concern that prevented any overwhelming feeling of fractionalization and ultimately led to where I stand today.

My parents consist of a stern, fiscally-conservative father and an emotional, fiscally-spontaneous mother. From childhood through adolescence, they argued daily and dangled divorce above the heads of my four older sisters and myself like a menacing puppet but never went through with it. Through teary eyes, I used to jump in the middle of their fights whenever I could muster the courage, always finding myself to be the only child to do so. To the best of my abilities as a kid still in grade school, I would try to mediate the situation and reason why divorce was not an answer, mostly for my own selfish good. As I grew older the fighting finally began to lessen. With maturity came an actual grasp of the issues at hand and the ability to talk to my parents with a genuine impact. I progressed from a crying child concerned only with only my parents’ unity to a son concerned with my parents’ happiness as individuals, no longer afraid to even bring up divorce.

The marital conflict between my parents at home was often echoed by the martial conflict of my oldest sister. Phone calls from my sister came frequently in which I could always hear her audible sobs in the background. Her fights continued to grow worse, which in turn would fuel further conflict between my parents. In the midst of her troubled marriage, my sister had my first nephew when I was ten-years-old. The birth of my nephew was a remarkable experience for me. I saw my nephew as a chance to act as a mentor and have an actual positive impact, as I felt I had no true impact on the conflict at home no matter how hard I tried. Three years later my sister finally filed for divorce, starting another year-long conflict for custody of my nephew. Though I had seen the darkest parts of my sister’s marriage, the most unsettling part was the subsequent legal battle in which again my nephew was in the middle of a battle beyond his control. He was not treated as a young child who needed caring parents, separate or apart, but touted as a materialistic possession to be won. This quality still remains internalized as frustration through present day.

I became heavily interested in the legal system shortly before entering college at the realization that at its core is resolution of conflict. From my starting role as a nine-year-old, self-motivated mediator, I continued to naturally take a proactive role in attempting to resolve each fractionalizing conflict in my family. The experiences I have had throughout life have wrought a passion that guides me towards my ultimate goal of becoming an attorney. More specifically, I wish to enter family law, where I will have an opportunity to act as both a litigator and mediator in an area I have always been passionate about. While family law presents a broad variety of cases, most of what I find attractive in the practice are the virtues of which can be attained from it. Namely, the protection of rights of those indirectly affected by a legal case is a virtue that remains as important to me as the resolution of the case itself. As a family law attorney, this virtue stands out as the protection of the well-being of juveniles who remain in the middle in custody hearings or similar case in which they have no large degree of control.

I have learned through my maturation that conflict is not something to be ashamed of or avoid, but something to resolve, grow from, and ultimately let guide your passions. I bring to the University of Nebraska College of Law a persistent work ethic and an undeterred drive to succeed fueled by a specific purpose. I have come this far in life due to my persistent concern and dedication. I now find myself filled with a passion to do much more and am ready to ultimately move forward into the legal field. But before I can make that move, I put full concentration on the three years lying ahead that will provide me the education and skills necessary: law school.
Last edited by mrick101 on Fri Dec 24, 2010 1:40 am, edited 2 times in total.

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kitmitzi
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Re: PS Draft 5! Please critique so I can send off

Postby kitmitzi » Wed Dec 22, 2010 11:44 pm

Growing up, I saw the families of my friends and became jealous. Compared to theirs, my family was full of conflict. It was not short of love or caring for me; it was just full of fighting. Though as much fighting as there was , I could never just let go and quit caring, whether I wanted to or not this sounds a little bit cruel. Implying that you may have wanted to quit caring about your family? Maybe rephrase and say "let it go" or "let go or ignore it". I would always jump in the middle and try to put an end to it. It is that caring that overrode any lack of cohesiveness maybe rephrase? I think it sounds a bit awkward to override a lack of something. can you use a noun that means "lack of cohesiveness"? and ultimately led to where I stand today.

My parents consist of a stern, fiscally-conservative father and an emotional, fiscally-spontaneous mother. From childhood through adolescence, they argued daily and dangled divorce above the heads of my four older sisters and myself like a menacing puppet but never went through with it. Through teary eyes, I used to jump in the middle of their fights whenever I could muster the courage, always finding myself to be the only child to do so. To the best of my abilities as a kid still young enough the ride the bus to school what does this even mean? my school had buses even in high school. you can ride if you're 5 or you're 18, I would try to mediate the situation and reason why divorce was not an answer, mostly for my own selfish good. Today my parents coexist as roommates in the most impassionate matrimonial union I have seen. Fights no longer happen as often, but I am now mature enough to fully understand the issues at hand. I still talk to both of my parents about their frustrations, only now I do not shy away from bringing up divorce on my own. I am mostly apathetic to the concept of their unity as my parents and find myself more concerned with their happiness as individuals. I understand what you're saying about playing mediator, but find it unnecessary for you to tell the adcomm what your parent's marriage is like right now. Also, saying you're apathetic to your parent's unity is unnecessary and doesn't add to the statement

Huge jump from your parent's marriage to your sister's lives. Maybe stick to one story or the other Beyond my parents I have four older sisters We already know this. You told us above. Maybe say something about "My sisters also experienced conflict within their personal lives" instead to make a transition; all of whom were out of the house and pursuing their own lives at a time I was still playing with Legos. At age ten, I first became an uncle and experienced a responsibility beyond my measured years Can you elaborate? I've known kids whose uncles are the same ages as them because of the huge age gap between siblings. How does your sister having a baby mean YOU have responsibility? (sorry if this sounds mean, i'm just trying to help). Soon afterwards, the marriage of my oldest sister revealed itself full of emotional abuse and ended in dragged out and almost as brutal divorce I don't understand this phrase. maybe add in "a" before? Almost as brutal as what?, with my nephew in the middle for all. Akin to jumping between my fighting parents, I would beg my mom to bring my nephew to our house and away from the conflict. Today I am blessed with two nephews and three nieces. Although I care endlessly for each, my nephew’s case strikes me on a deeper level. I still feel a strong frustration and regret of how throughout the entire divorce he was treated as a material possession to be had rather than a child who needed caring parents, together or apart. Recently, the marriage of another sister ended in divorce as well. On the night of finding out rephrase? "night of finding out" sounds awkward. Maybe, "Upon finding out about the impending divorce, my niece immediately...", my niece made an unexpected outreach to me. I continue to talk to her as both of her parents moved on hastily to other partners. Each time I talk to my sister, I try to make sure that not a single emotional need of her children is forgotten as had my nephew’s, as I know now how easily it occurs in the wake of a divorce.

I became heavily interested in the legal system shortly before entering college at the realization that at its core is resolution of conflict. From my starting role as a nine-year-old, self-motivated mediator, I continued to naturally take a proactive role in attempting to resolve each fractionalizing conflict in my family. The experiences I have had throughout life have wrought a passion that guides me towards my ultimate goal of becoming an attorney. More specifically, I wish to enter family law, where I will have an opportunity to act as both a litigator and mediator in an area I have always been passionate about family law is also full of bitter divorces where you try your hardest to screw your client's partner out of their assets. just saying.. As important as the resolution of conflict to me stands the importance of the protection of those indirectly impacted by it. As a family law attorney, that importance stands out as the protection of the well-being of juveniles who remain in the middle in custody hearings or similar case in which they have no large degree of control. Most of what I find attractive in the practice of law are the virtues of which can be attained from it. This sounds off because it's too vague. Maybe list some virtues instead

I have learned through my maturation that conflict is not something to be ashamed of or avoid, but something to resolve, grow from, and ultimately let guide your passions. I bring to the University of Nebraska College of Law a persistent work ethic and an undeterred drive to succeed fuelled only one "l" by a specific purpose. The events leading up to this point are now a closed chapter in my life; however, the pages beginning my days as a family law attorney are just starting to be written. When the pen is eventually laid down, it will be a new chapter worth reading. The next few sentences: admission to law school. This sounds sooo cheesy. Please write a new concluding sentence. It's so clique to make your life or essay into a book. I think just ending it by saying you're ready to help others is fine


Okay, so I think overall it's good, but that you need to refine it to focus more specifically. Instead of focusing on your sister's (multiple sisters'? I wasn't sure) divorce, maybe make your whole essay to focus on protecting children? You can relate your parent's marital problems to your you and your sister's felt and then bring in the feelings of your niece and nephews.

mrick101
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2010 11:28 pm

Re: PS Draft 5! Please critique so I can send off

Postby mrick101 » Thu Dec 23, 2010 2:08 pm

Thank you very much for such a detailed critique. Going to edit with everything you said in mind and repost

mrick101
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2010 11:28 pm

Re: PS Draft 5! Please critique so I can send off

Postby mrick101 » Fri Dec 24, 2010 1:40 am

I edited my PS and tried to tie my two stories into one central them and tweeked a few other paragraphs as well. Any new critique?

mrick101
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2010 11:28 pm

Re: PS Draft 5! Please critique so I can send off

Postby mrick101 » Sat Dec 25, 2010 5:07 pm

Daily Bump

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Draft 5! Please critique so I can send off

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Dec 25, 2010 5:24 pm

Better than your earlier effort that I read. On the positive side, you write clearly and the reader should be convinced of your purpose for pursuing a career in law. May help if you apply to Pepperdine which values mediation & settlement techniques.

mrick101
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2010 11:28 pm

Re: PS Draft 5! Please critique so I can send off

Postby mrick101 » Mon Dec 27, 2010 4:11 pm

Bump.




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