Editing PS to 500

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sgp_lycee
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Apr 01, 2010 9:35 pm

Editing PS to 500

Postby sgp_lycee » Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:10 pm

Hi, I'm currently editing my PS. The school writes that there is no minimum or maximum on PS but that 500 words is the suggested length. So I'm cutting it down. I've gotten my PS to 499 (from 750), but now I'm not sure if it still makes sense. I feel that it is very chopped. So, any crit is more than welcome.


I once had to ask myself what was more important: my job or my integrity. I would like to think that I could simply leave any position that called for my silence on student treatment or grade forging. However, when the question came to me; it became the most difficult question to answer.
For two years I taught Social Studies at XXX, a small international school in XXX; a city that is three hours south of XXX. I taught forty students with a staff of eight teachers. During my second year at XXX, a new vice-principal was hired. Shortly after being hired, the vice-principal began displaying signs of racism, misogyny, homophobia and religious intolerance. His behavior coupled with his questionable work ethic nearly decimated GPA. I helped build the procedures and curriculum of XXX, and did not want anything to destroy what the faculty had built.
The year proved to be difficult because I did not know if I wanted to risk my position and being able to teach my students. I worked with the rest of the faculty to uncover the truth behind the vice-principal and we soon realized his resume was falsified. The proof of his forged resume and testimony from faculty concerning his behavior towards students was given to the administration and promptly ignored.
As faculty, we understood that going any farther could mean the end of positions. Gaining unanimous support to remove the vice-principal was difficult. However, as teachers we are obligated to do what is best for the student. The belligerent treatment of students and falsifying grades could not be ignored.
The faculty did succeed removing the vice-principal, but most of us lost our job in the process. On my last day at XXX, I watched my seniors walk across the stage to receive their diplomas. As their teacher I taught my students that regardless of the consequences, always speak the truth. I did not regret the actions that I or the faculty took to help the school become the caring environment it once was. However, it was difficult to ignore the sadness and frustration of knowing that I would no longer be working at XXX.
Speaking the truth can simultaneously be the hardest and easiest act to do. People think they will be able to do what is right but they do not because of the repercussions. I think there are times when the consequences must be ignored in favor for what is ultimately the right thing to do. I feel that the integrity I showed during my last year at Global Prodigy Academy is a solid foundation for my study of law. My want to change a system from the inside exemplifies a courage and determination I did not realize I had. These attributes will only be strengthened during my study of law. As a teacher, I have learned to be an advocate of students. As a lawyer, I want to be an advocate of those who cannot protect themselves.

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gdane
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Re: Editing PS to 500

Postby gdane » Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:15 pm

Your theme is good, but you spend way too much time talking about the vice principal. Although he is crucial to the story, you could cut some details out.

Your claim that your hardest decision ever was between "my job or my integrity" is very weak. Not a decision that really seems too difficult to make considering the details that you give us.

For two years I taught Social Studies at XXX, a small international school in XXX; a city that is three hours south of XXX.

We dont need to know all this. Just tell us where it is. "Three hours south of XXX" is superflous.

My want to change a system from the inside exemplifies a courage and determination I did not realize I had. These attributes will only be strengthened during my study of law. As a teacher, I have learned to be an advocate of students. As a lawyer, I want to be an advocate of those who cannot protect themselves.


Your "want"? Desire would be a better word here. Why will your attributes of courage and determination be strengthened during your study of law? Also, you leave us hanging. The last line is so empty and forced. Add to it or remove it.

Overall, you have some nice stuff going here. You need to settle on telling a story about yourself though. I know more about the homophobic vice principal by the end of this essay than I do about you. Let us know more about you.

Good luck!

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kitmitzi
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: Editing PS to 500

Postby kitmitzi » Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:24 pm

I once had to ask myself what was more important: my job or my integrity. I would like to think that I could simply leave any position that called for my silence on student treatment or grade forging I would put this sentence in the second paragraph. Your first sentence is intriguing and then when I read you second sentence it's like, "oh, you're a teacher" and takes the power away from your last sentence. If you put this question later I'm more excited to read the rest of the PS because I'm curious to find out the context of your situation. However, when the question came to me; it became the most difficult question to answer.

For two years I taught Social Studies at XXX, a small international school in XXX; a city that is three hours south of XXX.I don't think this part is necessary. It's like people who live in a part of Southern California and say, "I live in ____. It's near L.A. It doesn't add anything to know exactly where the school is, maybe just say the state I taught forty students with a staff of eight teachers. During my second year at XXX, a new vice-principal was hired. Shortly after being hired, the vice-principal began displaying signs of racism, misogyny, homophobia and religious intolerance. His behavior coupled with his questionable work ethic nearly decimated GPAdecimated whose GPA? Are you saying his GPA? Maybe rephrase to make it clearer. I helped build the procedures and curriculum of XXX, and did not want anything to destroy what the faculty had built.

The year proved to be difficult because I did not know if I wanted to risk my position and being able to teach my students. I worked with the rest of the faculty to uncover the truth behind the vice-principal and we soon realized his resume was falsified. The proof of his forged resume and testimony from faculty concerning his behavior towards students was given to the administration and promptly ignored.

As faculty, we understood that going any farther could mean the end of ourpositions. Gaining unanimous support to remove the vice-principal was difficult. However, as teachers we are obligated to do what is best for the student. The belligerent treatment of students and falsifying gradeselaborate on falsifying grades? This is unclear if he's falsifying student's grades, making them too high, making them too low, etc. could not be ignored.

The faculty did succeed inremoving the vice-principal, but most of us lost our job in the process. On my last day at XXX, I watched my seniors walk across the stage to receive their diplomas. As their teacher I taught my students that regardless of the consequences, always speak the truth. I did not regret the actions that I or the faculty took to help the school become the caring environment it once was. However, it was difficult to ignore the sadness and frustration of knowing that I would no longer be working at XXX.

Speaking the truth can simultaneously be the hardest and easiest act to do. People Which people? Maybe rephrase to be more general. You don't have the evidence/support to generalize and say people chose not to do what's right.think they will be able to do what is right but they do not because of the repercussions. I think there are times when the consequences must be ignored in favor for what is ultimately the right thing to do. I feel that the integrity I showed during my last year at Global Prodigy AcademyYou forgot to take out the name in this part. No worries, I accidentally didn't delete the place in my PS too is a solid foundation for my study of law. My want Maybe say desire? "My want" sounds awkwardto change a system from the inside exemplifies a courage and determination I did not realize I had. These attributes will only be strengthened during my study of law. As a teacher, I have learned to be an advocate of students. As a lawyer, I want to be an advocate of those who cannot protect themselves.




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