Personal statement. Ok?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
cayerjt
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Personal statement. Ok?

Postby cayerjt » Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:52 pm

deleted
Last edited by cayerjt on Fri Apr 08, 2011 4:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

cayerjt
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Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 2:37 pm

o

Postby cayerjt » Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:57 pm

o
Last edited by cayerjt on Sat Jun 25, 2011 6:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal statement. Ok?

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:58 pm

As a rough draft, it's okay. Try to present your thoughts in a more organized & concise manner.

cayerjt
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Re: Personal statement. Ok?

Postby cayerjt » Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:07 pm

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I will be editing this considerably.

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3|ink
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Re: Personal statement. Ok?

Postby 3|ink » Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:15 pm

Paragraph one:
• Sentence two: ‘For me, it meant yada yada' (if you choose to keep this sentence).
• I really liked where this was going until you said these were bad people. I would delete that and every subsequent sentence of this paragraph.
• This opening is definitely salvageable IMO.

Paragraph two:
• First sentence makes it seem like you’re telling the story of the moment you found your apartment engulfed in flames. Then we jump to your friends offering shelter in the same sentence we learn your landlord tried to extort you.
• What kind of lease agreement did you sign? Jesus. No way could a landlord get away with that bullshit.

Paragraphs three and four:
• I’m a little confused, but it looks like you eventually retained an attorney and were impressed by his/her success? Let’s be honest here. Were you really impressed by his/her ability to apply statutes, or was it something else? If there’s one thing any person can appreciate about an attorney, it is confidence and demeanor. I think your story would be a bit stronger if you said that these were the things that impressed you most.

cayerjt
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 2:37 pm

Re: Personal statement. Ok?

Postby cayerjt » Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:28 pm

Again, really appreciate people taking the time to help me out just for being a part of this community.

To address my housing issue: I signed a one year lease with a local landlord. The man owns literally 70% of the city's buildings and basically gets away with what he wants to because everyone is afraid of dealing with him... Our attorney, who works with students on campus for a mere $10.00 fee pretty much grabbed him by the balls and got him blacklisted from advertising to university of XX students! So yes, I was absolutely thrilled.

Thank you for being so specific with your critique. Your response was extremely useful.

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3|ink
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Re: Personal statement. Ok?

Postby 3|ink » Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:36 pm

At the risk of making your PS too dramatic, you could mention the fact that your landlord was a powerful economic force in the area. Yet all of his influence was thwarted by this assertive protagonist attorney who happens to work for $10.00/h. It almost makes law seem cool. Almost.

cayerjt
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Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 2:37 pm

Re: Personal statement. Ok?

Postby cayerjt » Wed Dec 22, 2010 6:12 pm

Hahaha yes, almost.

rockspaperjesus
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Re: Personal statement. Ok?

Postby rockspaperjesus » Wed Dec 22, 2010 7:31 pm

i don't really get this. maybe you're experience was horrible, but as written it seems kind of strange. was this really a "hardship"? or just a shitty inconvenience. so you lost some of your possessions and had to sleep somewhere else for a while. what about people who never had those possessions to begin with and never have anywhere to sleep..that seems like actual hardship. i think you need to find a better way to describe what you went through.

cayerjt
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Re:

Postby cayerjt » Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:10 am

It
Last edited by cayerjt on Sat Jun 25, 2011 6:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.

rockspaperjesus
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Re: Personal statement. Ok?

Postby rockspaperjesus » Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:36 am

cayerjt wrote:Thank you for your response... First of all you should be sure to use "your" instead of "you're" in this context and secondly, yes it was actually a hardship to watch everything I had burn including my cat in the fire... Let's think about this for a second and realize that homeless people don't often apply to law school. Considering that point, this would be a hardship within our privileged bubble of applicants and If you cannot see how this would be difficult you are a complete fuck.


My bad, I didn't realize this was about the "privileged bubble" type of hardship. I would have assessed this on an entirely different level had I known. Regardless, I said that, as written, you do not really convey that this hardship is legitimate enough to motivate an interest in law.

Also, I truly apologize for burdening you with my illiteracy the first time around. Though I would like to know what "context" you're talking about....

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Montevillian
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Re: Personal statement. Ok?

Postby Montevillian » Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:56 am

cayerjt wrote:Thank you for your response... First of all you should be sure to use "your" instead of "you're" in this context and secondly, yes it was actually a hardship to watch everything I had burn including my cat in the fire... Let's think about this for a second and realize that homeless people don't often apply to law school. Considering that point, this would be a hardship within our privileged bubble of applicants and If you cannot see how this would be difficult you are a complete fuck.


Don't be rude. People are trying to help you, like you asked. Just because they're blunt about it doesn't mean you need to get angry.

On topic, however, I'm not entirely sure this topic is that good of one. It opens a number of questions, as I'm sure you've noticed while answering them, which you won't be able to do, and for me, it just doesn't work. This whole statement just jumps around from point to point and it seems like you're trying really hard to write what you think "they" want you to write. This may not be the case (as your responses have been a little overly dramatic as well), but that's what the adcomms are going to think. Don't try so hard- this isn't supposed to be too hard. Simplify the topic, drop the overly dramatic junk (because admissions officers are going to read personal statements about overcoming cancer, being deserted by one's family, growing up in third world countries and frankly, your situation isn't even in the same ballpark), and try and make this more about you as a person, not just you as a future lawyer.
If you must keep the topic and general line of thought the same, at least make a timeline of what you're trying to say. You jump from idea to idea a bit sporadically at times, and this is extremely distracting.
Good luck.

cayerjt
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 2:37 pm

Re: Personal statement. Ok?

Postby cayerjt » Thu Dec 23, 2010 2:03 am

Thank you Montevillian for your constructive criticism. I do appreciate positive help.




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