Statement critique wanted

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
paperbiirds
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 3:33 pm

Statement critique wanted

Postby paperbiirds » Wed Dec 22, 2010 3:37 pm

One person cannot change the world is a phrase I often hear from passersby when they are asked to lend their voice to fight poverty. I recognize from my personal experiences that one voice cannot change the world, but it can capture the ears of many, who in turn join the call for action. Combined their voices reach more ears; they roll and grow like a snowball tumbling down a hill until they are too big to ignore.

It is the power of my voice that has led me to this point in my life where I choose to become a lawyer. With my voice, I have lobbied for my senators to support legislation that would improve the conditions in developing nations, petitioned that Haiti’s foreign debt be canceled and inform my peers of the devastating cycle of poverty and HIV in Africa. Though my voice and those of my peers sometimes are unanswered, with an inquiring mind and persevering spirit, I will always strive to help the less unfortunate.

My work with the University of XXX chapter of the ONE Campaign has distilled this spirit in me by exposing me to the faces of poverty. Those in poverty are no longer a faceless group to me. They are the Vietnam veteran, who could not find work, the mother struggling to afford her antiretrovirals in Kampala, Uganda, and the 151st person in line at the St. Francis Homeless Shelter, who is turned away without food. The stories of their struggles have become apart of who I am as a person, and have shaped my desire to become an attorney and advocate for others who may feel unable to advocate for themselves or their rights.

By pursuing a law degree, I hope to take my public service involvement to the next level by becoming an active member of the legal sphere. I strongly believe that one voice can do more than one dollar in the fight against poverty. With a law degree and my passion for this cause, my voice will have the power to affect change by encouraging others to take action.

XXX's strong commitment to public service will help me hone the critical, analytical and professional skill I need to be the best advocate I can be for the less unfortunate. With the legal education I can obtain at the XXX law school, I can use my voice to affect change for the victims of poverty who may feel voiceless in our society.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Statement critique wanted

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Dec 22, 2010 3:43 pm

Make sure that you want to "affect" change & not "effect" change as the two are quite different goals.

To be blunt, this essay is standard fare for applicants with little to say. The good news is that this will satisfy the personal statement requirement & if your numbers are strong enough--or weak enough--it won't come into play.

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Kilpatrick
Posts: 1073
Joined: Sun Dec 06, 2009 2:06 am

Re: Statement critique wanted

Postby Kilpatrick » Wed Dec 22, 2010 3:50 pm

I would change the first line. It doesn't really make sense. If I am a passerby to someone asking me to do some shit for poverty I just ignore them, I don't say "One person cannot change the world!"

oliverdarcy
Posts: 36
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 1:13 am

Re: Statement critique wanted

Postby oliverdarcy » Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:09 pm

Honestly, I really don't feel like I learned much about you or why you would succeed in law school.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Statement critique wanted

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:11 pm

oliverdarcy makes a great point which suggests that anyone could have written this "personal" statement. The theme is fine, but to make the essay work as a personal statement, you need concrete examples of involved action taken by you & how you were affected. Your proffered examples are not convincing.

paperbiirds
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 3:33 pm

Re: Statement critique wanted

Postby paperbiirds » Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:17 pm

Thanks for the feedback. I completely understand what you are saying about how you don't get a sense of who I am. I am really getting stuck on that part. Any suggestions on how to incorporate that?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Statement critique wanted

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:19 pm

Maybe write about the one person that changed your outlook. This suggestion is designed to encourage you to inject more substance into your writing. Although your current topic may reflect your inner beliefs, all of us favor world peace & could easily substitute a few words into your essay to make that point.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ghost
Posts: 1282
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: Statement critique wanted

Postby Ghost » Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:20 pm

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