Not your normal PS (draft 5 billion)

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cngreen
Posts: 76
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 3:05 pm

Not your normal PS (draft 5 billion)

Postby cngreen » Tue Dec 21, 2010 9:57 pm

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Last edited by cngreen on Wed Jan 12, 2011 6:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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kitmitzi
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: Not your normal PS (draft 5 billion)

Postby kitmitzi » Tue Dec 21, 2010 11:01 pm

So I'm not that good at writing PS myself, so feel free to ignore my critique. I may be completely wrong.

Frustrated, I satisfied my need for consistency with my studies

You might want to rephrase what you were searching for. Maybe you were searching for freedom of opinion? Because while geometry is a good representation of consistency, I would argue that history and law are not. The great thing about the legal system is that it is constantly changing and adjusting.

more and more exorbitant

I think just one more is enough.

Enlightenment writings provided the building blocks for a new understanding of the individual and her relationship with authority. I progressed from accepting religious dogma as a justification for my parents’ actions to demanding a logical defense built on accepted first principles

I don't understand this at all. Elaborate? Maybe make it more personal (write "my" instead of "her"). The impersonal phrasing kind of confused me. And what first principles?

The last picky thing was I think some of your commas are unnecessary.
By junior year, my understanding had matured, and I was convinced
You could probably take out the second comma. That's just my personal grammar preferences though, no need to change it.

Otherwise, I thought it was very good! Interesting topic and definitely relates to what makes you want to be a lawyer. Your link to why Georgetown was good too.

WayBryson
Posts: 179
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:24 pm

Re: Not your normal PS (draft 5 billion)

Postby WayBryson » Tue Dec 21, 2010 11:37 pm

kitmitzi wrote:So I'm not that good at writing PS myself, so feel free to ignore my critique. I may be completely wrong.

Frustrated, I satisfied my need for consistency with my studies

You might want to rephrase what you were searching for. Maybe you were searching for freedom of opinion? Because while geometry is a good representation of consistency, I would argue that history and law are not. The great thing about the legal system is that it is constantly changing and adjusting.

more and more exorbitant

I think just one more is enough.

Enlightenment writings provided the building blocks for a new understanding of the individual and her relationship with authority. I progressed from accepting religious dogma as a justification for my parents’ actions to demanding a logical defense built on accepted first principles

I don't understand this at all. Elaborate? Maybe make it more personal (write "my" instead of "her"). The impersonal phrasing kind of confused me. And what first principles?

The last picky thing was I think some of your commas are unnecessary.
By junior year, my understanding had matured, and I was convinced
You could probably take out the second comma. That's just my personal grammar preferences though, no need to change it.

Otherwise, I thought it was very good! Interesting topic and definitely relates to what makes you want to be a lawyer. Your link to why Georgetown was good too.


The "first principle" thing didn't strike me as strange at all, but I come from a philosophy background. "Rational grounding" might make for a less stilted way of conveying the same thing though. The commas in the last sentence are all correct. If you took out the second one then it would be an error as "and" is linking two independent clauses in this case.

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kitmitzi
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: Not your normal PS (draft 5 billion)

Postby kitmitzi » Wed Dec 22, 2010 12:06 am

The "first principle" thing didn't strike me as strange at all, but I come from a philosophy background. "Rational grounding" might make for a less stilted way of conveying the same thing though. The commas in the last sentence are all correct. If you took out the second one then it would be an error as "and" is linking two independent clauses in this case.


Thanks for critiquing my critique. As I said, I'm not an expert so I might be wrong. I don't have a background in philosophy which is why I was confused. Maybe you should critique the PS instead of me?

cngreen
Posts: 76
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 3:05 pm

Re: Not your normal PS (draft 5 billion)

Postby cngreen » Wed Dec 22, 2010 11:36 am

Thanks! Anything else? I am especially unsure of my last two paragraphs.

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kwais
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Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Not your normal PS (draft 5 billion)

Postby kwais » Wed Dec 22, 2010 11:49 am

I like it alot. But, why "hostess". the others in this list are far more substantive

cngreen
Posts: 76
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 3:05 pm

Re: Not your normal PS (draft 5 billion)

Postby cngreen » Wed Dec 22, 2010 3:05 pm

"Hostess" was meant to reflect the skill needed to make people feel welcome, to draw them out of their shells, to network and to help them network. Some of the most powerful people I've met have an incredible skill to make connections with people, and I was trying to sum up that ability. Obviously, hostess means very different things to different people. I guess I was thinking "power player hostess." :P

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glewz
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Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 4:32 pm

Re: Not your normal PS (draft 5 billion)

Postby glewz » Wed Dec 22, 2010 3:13 pm

I agree - take out hostess...too much unguided imagery

cngreen
Posts: 76
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 3:05 pm

Re: Not your normal PS (draft 5 billion)

Postby cngreen » Thu Dec 23, 2010 11:06 am

Removed it is. :) Anything else?




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