TRYING TO SUBMIT ASAP! NEED SOME CRITIQUES

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jasonc.
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:22 am

TRYING TO SUBMIT ASAP! NEED SOME CRITIQUES

Postby jasonc. » Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:59 pm

IM AT THE POINT WHERE ITS EITHER I SUBMIT THIS ESSAY OR WRITE A NEW ONE BUT I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THAT SO IM MAINLY ASKING FOR GRAMMATICAL HELP. I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO TO MAKE IT BETTER
THANKS IN ADVANCE
Last edited by jasonc. on Wed Dec 22, 2010 2:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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NZA
Posts: 1285
Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2010 10:01 pm

Re: TRYING TO SUBMIT ASAP!

Postby NZA » Tue Dec 21, 2010 8:03 pm

First: no need to shout.

Second: rewrite.

jasonc.
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:22 am

Re: TRYING TO SUBMIT ASAP!

Postby jasonc. » Wed Dec 22, 2010 2:29 am

anyone else? i dont think i have anything more compelling to write about . any more suggestions?

zahunter
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:44 pm

Re: TRYING TO SUBMIT ASAP! NEED SOME CRITIQUES

Postby zahunter » Wed Dec 22, 2010 1:10 pm

As I travel two hours every morning to school, my mind goes on a journey of its own. Like clockwork, there comes a time when I can no longer get satisfaction from looking at the shabby vistas passing me by. Instead, I began to people watch [You transition time frames]. People shuffle back and forth, women with baby carriages struggle to balance, homeless people come aboard to make speeches, and elders’ bodies show fatigue,[awkward] as they wait for an available seat. These mundane [mundane?] occurrences usually go [transition back] unnoticed, if one does not pay attention. The past three years of my life ,however, have involved watching these on goings [really? How does this tie into law?][I don’t think you explain it very well], and surprisingly they have forced me to reflect on my appreciation for the law, and I [error] how might use it to affect the lives of others.
The people on the trains tend to ignore each other, but this is not a purely purposeful act as some people are quick to say. They utter clichés words [such as] :[delete] New Yorkers are unfriendly and live life with tunnel vision. A better explanation would be to say that people are simply too overwhelmed with personal routine, or perhaps they face hardships that can consume their lives. All these considerations make it difficult for people to empathize the struggles of others.
No one man or woman is free from adversity during his or her lifetime, but those who become attorneys have the ability to occupy an important niche [niche?] is [in?] society. With a through [thorough?] understanding of the law, it can be possible to improve the rights afforded to a large group of people while improving their [who lawyers?] quality of life. [explain this in terms of benefit to you, not a lawyer. Got me?]
I began to think about the importance of law long before I entered college. My life began in Jamaica, W.I. At age three I was brought to the United States illegally. It was my mother’s hope that life would be better for us, and even though well intended, her plan was not fully thought out. {Though I was able to thrive for quite sometime until the reality of my status began an issue during my senior year of high school. [what are you trying to say here?] Everyone [all] of my classmates was [were] excited at [the] prospect of going [of] to college and experiencing new things in their lives. I was the only one that dreaded the end of the year. The more people would ask me ,“why aren’t’t you applying to colleges you have a good record ?”, the more I became upset.[Bad sentence] I even had to pass on excellent scholarship opportunities. I
could not blame my mother however, because at the time she worked part time ,and had to keep us afloat while seeking to resolve my legal situation on her own. It was a very slow crawl towards gaining my proper documentation, and it finally ended a few years after I graduated high [school.Through] donations from my family members, I was able to attend my public university. When I reflect on those days of uncertainty, I realize that I was truly lucky. There are many people who are in a position similar to the one that I faced a few years ago but with even worse living conditions. I have empathy for those still struggling. I know that it would have been a less troubling time if I had legal assistance to guide me through the process. From that time I began to truly want to pursue a legal career, and I moved forward in my college career with this in mind.
In spring 2010 semester , I held internship at the New York State Attorney General’s Regional office in Harlem which helped to foster my drive to learn the law and help others as well. I worked in the consumer fraud department, acting as a mediator. My responsibility was to help settle disputes between consumers and businesses, and I learned about laws regarding consumer rights and their access to information. People that I spoke with lacked basic knowledge about the law ,or they did not have the time to pursue the party that had wronged them on their own. For example, the most memorable case that I worked on involved a stone monument company that collected money but never delivered the tombstone for the deceased, in a large number of cases. These people not only lost their money but also their will to fight given the unbearable grief of leaving their loved ones in unmarked graves The case has yet to be resolved, but I was proud of the work that I had done with these people. They would probably have no recourse to challenge these businesses if not for this office.
Events from my past and my experiences through college affirm my belief in law and its importance to shape my life. I know that having a law degree does not make me a superhero ,but it makes me better prepared to make a significant impact on society.

zahunter
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:44 pm

Re: TRYING TO SUBMIT ASAP! NEED SOME CRITIQUES

Postby zahunter » Wed Dec 22, 2010 1:12 pm

Did you open this in word? You need to because there are a bunch of errors.

jasonc.
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:22 am

Re: TRYING TO SUBMIT ASAP! NEED SOME CRITIQUES

Postby jasonc. » Wed Dec 22, 2010 1:47 pm

thanks!

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NZA
Posts: 1285
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Re: TRYING TO SUBMIT ASAP! NEED SOME CRITIQUES

Postby NZA » Wed Dec 22, 2010 6:03 pm

OP, the problem isn't the subject material, I just think you could write a higher quality statement in terms of grammar, style, etc. :) But I think you've got a good start!

jasonc.
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:22 am

Re: TRYING TO SUBMIT ASAP! NEED SOME CRITIQUES

Postby jasonc. » Wed Dec 22, 2010 8:02 pm

thanks i did some editing cleaned it up.




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