Looking for some feedback on my ps. Please and thank you

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hokiehi11
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:33 pm

Looking for some feedback on my ps. Please and thank you

Postby hokiehi11 » Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:47 pm

Hey guys, this is actually my first post and I'm just looking for some feedback/critique for my personal statement. Any and all help is appreciated.



The frigid air cut through the layers of clothing like the sharpest of knives. The freezing temperature and the relentless blowing of the wind had numbed my fingers to the point where I could barely retain a grip on the tools in my hand. These extreme conditions during the wintery months, as well as the blistering summer days that eventually rolled around, are what I remember most of the job I have held during my seasonal breaks from school.

Working within the construction industry is certainly not the most glamorous job, but it has nonetheless taught me additional life lessons that I feel have made the unique person I am. Working with my hands and learning new techniques of the trade has given me a certain feeling of self-worth and confidence that have carried into other parts of my life. At the start, I was a true novice in every sense of the word, with my awkward handling of the materials and the timid attempts of accomplishing a new task. Through all of this however, I progressively became more skilled in doing the different jobs and eventually stepped up to new challenges with excitement. The primary thing that I have taken from this is the importance of perseverance and determination in the face of daunting difficulties.

The importance of hard work and self-discipline were principles instilled in me at a very young age by my parents. I have always had a close relationship with my mom and dad, and their support and dedication helped in shaping me into the person I am today. My dad always stressed the value of getting an education and of taking a path that he himself was never able to acquire.

This strong relationship with my family also presented a huge obstacle in my life when the time came to make a decision about college. Being the first person to get accepted to college brought with it the nervousness associated with the thoughts of the mysterious world of higher education. In addition to this apprehension, I also encountered the feeling of despair connected with the separation from my family, whom I had never spent more than a night away from. Thanks to the words of wisdom and the teachings of my parents, I eventually embarked on that four hour drive to Blacksburg where I have learned and gained knowledge that would have been impossible had I not faced the challenge of accepting admission.

While at Virginia Tech, the decision to study law was a gradual process of trying out a multitude of differing courses. The one thing that I began to notice about each respective field of study, is that the law envelopes every aspect of our lives. The magnitude and vastness of the legal realm has resulted in an unprecedented level of interest whereby I wish to not only make a living, but also to learn more about how the law shapes the facets of human existence.

Just as I had no idea what to expect from my undergraduate experience, I likewise cannot pretend what law school will entail. The one thing I do know is that the decision to go to law school is the right choice in addressing the undying fascination that has resulted from my years of study. I also know that law school will be no easy task and that many trials will arise due to the complex nature of the legal environment. Just as I faced the other challenges in my life with enthusiastic optimism and a drive to excel, I too am confident that I will be successful in achieving a law degree. Thus, acceptance from [law school] will expand upon the educational knowledge I have been fortunate enough to achieve, and feel this continued education will help me develop into the person I have set my goals to become.

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bk1
Posts: 18401
Joined: Sun Mar 14, 2010 7:06 pm

Re: Looking for some feedback on my ps. Please and thank you

Postby bk1 » Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:49 pm

I skimmed really quickly, two things without delving much further:

1. Use the active voice and no the passive voice.

2. The flowery intro is really unnecessary and at odds with the rest of the PS.

cubswin
Posts: 618
Joined: Mon May 25, 2009 4:40 pm

Re: Looking for some feedback on my ps. Please and thank you

Postby cubswin » Tue Dec 21, 2010 8:11 pm

hokiehi11 wrote:Hey guys, this is actually my first post and I'm just looking for some feedback/critique for my personal statement. Any and all help is appreciated.



The frigid air cut through the layers of clothing like the sharpest of knives. The freezing temperature and the relentless blowing of the wind had numbed my fingers to the point where I could barely retain a grip on the tools in my hand. These extreme conditions during the wintery months, as well as the blistering summer days that eventually rolled around, are what I remember most of the job I have held during my seasonal breaks from school.

Working within the construction industry is certainly notthe most glamorous job, but it has nonetheless taught me additional life lessons that I feel have made the unique [I am a snowflake!] person I am. Working with my hands and learning new techniques of the trade has given me a certain feeling of self-worth and confidence that have carried into other parts of my life. At the start, I was a true novice in every sense of the word, with my awkward handling of the materials and the timid attempts of accomplishing a new task. Through all of this however, I progressively became more skilled in doing the different jobs and eventually stepped up to new challenges with excitement. The primary thing that I have taken from this is the importance of perseverance and determination in the face of daunting difficulties. [Vague. Vague. Vague.]

The importance of hard work and self-discipline were principles instilled in me at a very young age by my parents. I have always had a close relationship with my mom and dad [consider using mother and father, mom and dad is colloquial], and their support and dedication helped in shapeing me into the person I am today. My dad always stressed the value of getting an education and of taking a path that he himself was never able to acquire One does not acquire a path..

This strong relationship with my family also presented a huge obstacle in my life when the time came to make a decision about college. Being the first person to get accepted to college brought with itthe nervousness associated with the thoughts of the mysterious world of higher education Awful. Say this a different way.. In addition to this apprehension, I also encountered the feeling of despair connected with the separation from my family, whom I had never spent more than a night away from Wait, did you work construction before college or after? I am confused on the chronology here. And you sound like a big nancy when you say you had never spent more than a night away from your parents.. Thanks to the words of wisdom and the teachings of my parents, I eventually embarked on that four hour drive to Blacksburg where I have learned and gained knowledge Explain to me the distinction between "learning knowledge" and "gaining knowledge", and also why it is important for you to tell me you did both at VT. that would have been impossible had I not faced the challenge of accepting admission (Pretty lame challenge, as far as challenges go. No offense.).

While at Virginia Tech, the decision to study law was a gradual process of trying out a multitude of differing courses. The one thing that I began to notice about each respective field of study, is that the law envelopes every aspect of our lives. The magnitude and vastness of the legal realm It is I, Hokiehi, Lord of the Legal Realm! has resulted in an unprecedented level of interest That's a lot of interest, bro. whereby You really wanted to use "whereby" didn't you?I wish to not only make a living, but also to learn more about how the law shapes the facets of human existence.

Just as I had no idea what to expect from my undergraduate experience, I likewise cannot pretend what law school will entail and yet I am inexplicably interested in it, on an unprecedented level. Fancy that!. The one thing I do know is that the decision to go to law school is the right choice, though I just admitted I have no idea what a legal education entails, in addressing the undying please. fascination that has resulted from my years of study. I also know that law school will be no easy task and that many trials will arise pun intended? due to the complex nature of the legal environment. Just as I faced the other challenges in my life with enthusiastic optimism and a drive to excel, I too am confident that I will be successful in achieving a law degree. Thus, acceptance from [law school] will expand upon the educational knowledge I have been fortunate enough to achieve, and feel this continued education will help me develop into the person I have set my goals to become.


Too. Many. Puff. Words.

Your last paragraph is word salad. It doesn't say anything.

Start over.

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Kilpatrick
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Joined: Sun Dec 06, 2009 2:06 am

Re: Looking for some feedback on my ps. Please and thank you

Postby Kilpatrick » Tue Dec 21, 2010 8:30 pm

First paragraph needs to go. Everybody has experienced cold weather before, that's not what makes you unique. I think you should focus more on your experience in construction.

"Working within the construction industry is certainly not the most glamorous job"

I think this is where you should start. This is what made me read the rest of the PS. That is something interesting that sets you apart and it is an experience you could use to say something about who you are and why a law school should accept you.

Leave out the stuff about your parents. Leave out lines like this: "The magnitude and vastness of the legal realm has resulted in an unprecedented level of interest whereby I wish to not only make a living, but also to learn more about how the law shapes the facets of human existence."

You have a good PS in here but it's not there yet.

hokiehi11
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:33 pm

Re: Looking for some feedback on my ps. Please and thank you

Postby hokiehi11 » Tue Dec 21, 2010 8:52 pm

Thanks for the critique guys. I see where you are coming from Kilpatrick and completely agree now. Do you think I should also just leave out the parts about me being the first to go to college as well?

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Kilpatrick
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Joined: Sun Dec 06, 2009 2:06 am

Re: Looking for some feedback on my ps. Please and thank you

Postby Kilpatrick » Tue Dec 21, 2010 8:59 pm

Try to find a way to leave that in because it says something about you.




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