Critique Please! Thank you guys...

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
bakdaman
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:38 am

Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby bakdaman » Mon Dec 20, 2010 5:39 pm

It’s not often that you meet a guy who’s genuinely interested in feminism or women’s rights¬–let alone minoring in Women’s Studies. For most men, the social stigmas associated with undertakings of this sort are usually a sufficient deterrent. For me, however, the intellectual curiosity that has driven my academic career, coupled with a desire to face my fear of communicating with women outweighed my theoretical doubts and inhibitions. I couldn’t wait to explore.

Before my first Women’s Studies class, I found myself in a state of panic. I had always been shy around women, and now I would have to face a situation where thought I would be dubbed as an ambassador of the opposite sex. The notion of such responsibility shook my being to the core. I arrived on campus early, only to find myself–two minutes after class had begun– staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. The prospect of being judged by thirty women in a matter of seconds was daunting to say the least. Mustering every last ounce of courage, I recited a short prayer and went to join my fellow students.

Contrary to any of my preconceived notions, I found the attitudes of my classmates and professors in the program to be warm and welcoming. My ideas about patriarchy and the state of contemporary female oppression were well received, and I quickly became a prominent voice among my classmates. Often consulted for the purpose of contrast, I served as the sole beacon of masculinity in a female-dominated arena. While this sometimes put me at odds with my classmates and professors, it allowed me to grow as a mindful intellectual. In addition, the respect I gained from my female compatriots helped me to overcome my fear of women.

As I progressed through the Women’s Studies curriculum, I found myself discovering correlations between feminist issues and topics in my major, Jurisprudence. Every societal discrepancy or injustice I identified as a women’s rights issue proliferated from or was intertwined with the law. These connections fueled my curiosity, compelling me to choose a women’s rights topic for my yearlong senior research paper.

Achieving disciplinary adequacy in Women’s Studies, I began to lay the necessary groundwork for said thesis, entitled: Understanding the Gender-based Wage Gap. Hypothesizing that current fair pay legislation was fundamentally and principally flawed, I advocated the need for a more pragmatic approach. Through extensive interdisciplinary research and carefully executed analysis, I was able to isolate and integrate insights and assumptions from United States case law, statutory history, sociology, and economics. The final product was a comprehensive and multifaceted understanding of the gender-based wage gap’s various causes, as well as a practical legal solution.

As a final qualification, our senior professors required us to present our work at Montclair State University’s annual research symposium. Given the choice between creating a poster and presenting our projects orally, I was among a small group of students who chose the latter. I recognized that a poster could not properly convey the breadth of or passion I had for my research. Presenting my prized research before my peers, professors, and family was an exhilarating and rewarding experience and accomplishment.

At home in academia, the law school experience will allow me to flex my analytical muscles, while simultaneously employing and improving my rhetorical and jurisprudential abilities. It is through deep introspection that I have identified the study and practice of law to be the necessary and natural extension of my values and desire to affect issues of societal injustice. It is with wholehearted and unwavering resolve that I delve into this next chapter of my life.

zahunter
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:44 pm

Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby zahunter » Mon Dec 20, 2010 11:32 pm

Nice!

bakdaman
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:38 am

Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby bakdaman » Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:36 pm

Thanks! I'd really like some more negative, if possible. Thanks in advance....

Brian

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3|ink
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Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby 3|ink » Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:42 pm

I have mixed feelings. It tells us more about you academic side than your personal side. You also mentioned a lot of things that would probably be included in your resume / transcript. Was there some particular event that got you into this field of study, or were you just looking to pick-up women?

CanadianWolf
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Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:48 pm

It's okay, but the fifth & seventh paragraphs need to be redone.

P.S. After rereading your essay, the 5th & 7th paragraphs need to be deleted.

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NZA
Posts: 1285
Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2010 10:01 pm

Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby NZA » Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:50 pm

bakdaman wrote:It’s not often that you meet a guy who’s genuinely interested in feminism or women’s rights¬–let alone minoring in Women’s Studies. True. But let's take a moment to give a salute to General Ization. :P Kind of an awkward way to start a personal statement, but I see your point. For most men, the social stigmas associated with undertakings of this sort are usually a sufficient deterrent. True...but again, maybe too much of a generalization. Could you say, "Most of my friends? Most of the people at X University? etc.? Something to make it sounds less universal? For me, however, the intellectual curiosity that has driven my academic career, coupled with a desire to face my fear of communicating with women lolissimus outweighed my theoretical doubts and inhibitions. I couldn’t wait to explore.

Before my first Women’s Studies class, I found myself in a state of panic. I had always been shy around women, and now I would have to face a situation where thought I would be dubbed as an ambassador of the opposite sex. Uh...maybe? The notion of such responsibility shook my being to the core. I have a hard time taking this seriously... I arrived on campus early, only to find myself–two minutes after class had begun– staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. The prospect of being judged by thirty women in a matter of seconds was daunting to say the least. Mustering every last ounce of courage, I recited a short prayer A Hail Mary would have been appropriate ;) and went to join my fellow students. Okay paragraph...but the only thing I feel like I know about you is that a) you believe in a higher power, b) you are apparently awkward around women, and c) that you are, in fact, an intellectually curious individual. The last point is a plus!

Contrary to any of my preconceived notions, I found the attitudes of my classmates and professors in the program to be warm and welcoming. Wait...so you, as a women's studies major, went in with prejudices about how women would treat you...? Hmm. My ideas about patriarchy and the state of contemporary female oppression were well received, and I quickly became a prominent voice among my classmates. This, I like! Often consulted for the purpose of contrast, I served as the sole beacon of masculinity in a female-dominated arena. While this sometimes put me at odds with my classmates and professors, it allowed me to grow as a mindful intellectual. In addition, the respect I gained from my female compatriots helped me to overcome my fear of women. I like this sentence, except the "fear of women" part. I think Adcoms are looking for people that can work well with others. Being afraid of half of the world's population isn't something they will probably look at positively...

As I progressed through the Women’s Studies curriculum, I found myself discovering correlations between feminist issues and topics in my major, Jurisprudence. Cool. Every societal discrepancy or injustice I identified as a women’s rights issue proliferated word choice? from or was intertwined definitely awkward word choice, imo with the law. These connections fueled my curiosity, compelling me to choose a women’s rights topic for my yearlong senior research paper. Good! This is interesting and relevant, I think.

Achieving disciplinary adequacy what does that mean...? I may just be retarded, ha in Women’s Studies, I began to lay the necessary groundwork for said just say, "...my thesis" thesis, entitled: Understanding the Gender-based Wage Gap. Hypothesizing that current fair pay legislation was fundamentally and principally flawed, I advocated the need for a more pragmatic approach. Through extensive interdisciplinary research and carefully executed analysis, I was able to isolate and integrate insights and assumptions from United States case law, statutory history, sociology, and economics. The final product was a comprehensive and multifaceted understanding of the gender-based wage gap’s various causes, as well as a practical legal solution. Hmm...interesting.

As a final qualification, our senior professors required us to present our work at Montclair State University’s googling you for sure annual research symposium. Given the choice between creating a poster and presenting our projects orally, I was among a small group of students who chose the latter. I recognized that a poster could not properly convey the breadth of or fix passion I had for my research. Presenting my prized research before my peers, professors, and family was an exhilarating and rewarding experience and accomplishment. Neat!

At home in academia, the law school experience will allow me to flex my analytical muscles, ironically masculine language for a Women Studies minor ;) while simultaneously employing and improving my rhetorical and jurisprudential abilities. It is through deep introspection that I have identified the study and practice of law to be the necessary and natural extension of my values and desire to affect issues of societal injustice. It is with wholehearted and unwavering resolve that I delve into this next chapter of my life. Ending is a bit cheesy.


Not a bad read! I thought the beginning was a bit strange...here you are, a guy who apparently fears the fairer sex, but you minor in Women's Studies? And while I understand that it was both an academic/intellectual growing experience AND a personal one (and I'm assuming that's why you included that stuff), it comes off to me as a little off putting.

Sometimes, you also sounded like you were listing stuff that may belong on a resume.

BUT, that's just me. I won't honestly say that my reaction is something that will be universally felt, so, take it with a grain of salt! :) Great language pretty much, though, and a good consistent theme. I'd say you're close to done!

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Shooter
Posts: 474
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 1:39 am

Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby Shooter » Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:52 pm

I feel like I tell everyone this:

Take out all of the "academic" language and flowery words. This is way too convoluted and it really, really, really does not make you sound any smarter.

Just a few examples...

"Disciplinary adequacy"
"Beacon of masculinity"
"The ambassador of the opposite sex"
"Wholehearted and unwavering resolve"

Also the whole "I couldn't wait to explore." sentence is just really... I dunno. I'm not trying to pass judgement or anything, but I honestly feel like this makes you seem very self-absorbed.

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NZA
Posts: 1285
Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2010 10:01 pm

Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby NZA » Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:53 pm

Shooter wrote:I feel like I tell everyone this:

Take out all of the "academic" language and flowery words. This is way too convoluted and it really, really, really does not make you sound any smarter.

Just a few examples...

"Disciplinary adequacy"
"Beacon of masculinity"
"The ambassador of the opposite sex"
"Wholehearted and unwavering resolve"

Also the whole "I couldn't wait to explore." sentence is just really... I dunno. I'm not trying to pass judgement or anything, but I honestly feel like this makes you seem very self-absorbed.


+1

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plenipotentiary
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Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby plenipotentiary » Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:56 pm

Your paragraphs are too short. Your language is overly complicated and awkward. Your introduction is awful, and the first sentence is particularly bad (the second person narrative is incongruous with your vocab choices and your topic). Your personal statement is very impersonal and your tone is self-congratulatory. You come off as one of those "feminist" men who thinks that they deserve a cookie for not being a sexist douchenozzle. No cookie for you.

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Kilpatrick
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Joined: Sun Dec 06, 2009 2:06 am

Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby Kilpatrick » Tue Dec 21, 2010 6:01 pm

It's not bad - I think you are a good writer. But I would really leave out the stuff about being afraid of women. Even if it's something you overcame I just think it's not something you want to put in a personal statement.

bakdaman
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:38 am

Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby bakdaman » Tue Dec 21, 2010 8:55 pm

Thanks everyone...back to the drawing board.

bakdaman
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:38 am

Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby bakdaman » Sat Dec 25, 2010 4:04 pm

Okay, so I've reworked my essay with your guys' criticism. I'd appreciate a follow-up review from the people who have already read my essay, as well as anyone else who'd like to jump in. Thanks to everyone at TLS for assisting me in this process. Now on to the statement...


Before my first Women’s Studies class, I found myself in a state of panic. I had always been a bit shy around women, and now I would have to face a situation where I would be the sole member of the opposite sex. The suggestion of such extreme minority status really shook me up. I arrived on campus early, only to find myself in the first floor bathroom–two minutes after class had begun–staring expressionlessly at my own reflection. “Will I be shunned, and treated like an outsider?” I thought, as I rustled up my shaggy hair. The prospect of being judged by thirty women was daunting to say the least. Mustering every last drop of courage, I recited a short prayer and went to join my fellow students.

Contrary to any of my preconceived notions, I found the attitudes of my classmates and professors in the Women’s Studies program to be warm and welcoming. My ideas about patriarchy and the state of contemporary female oppression were well received, and it wasn’t long before I became a prominent voice in the classroom. Sometimes consulted for the purpose of alternatively-gendered contrast, I willingly shared my thoughts and opinions. Although I sometimes felt at odds with my classmates and professors, points of contention served as building blocks for inferential thought and collectively-beneficial classroom discussion. Ultimately recognized by my female colleagues as an innovative thinker with a unique philosophical perspective, I was finally accepted as one of their own.

As I progressed through the Women’s Studies curriculum, I found myself discovering notable correlations between feminist issues and topics in my major, Jurisprudence. Every societal imbalance or instance of subjugation I initially identified as a women’s rights issue was found, through research and analysis, to affect or have been affected by the law and Jurisprudence. These connections intrigued me, creating a burning desire to discover links of direct causation, and compelling me to choose a women’s rights topic for my yearlong Jurisprudence research and writing thesis.

Completing a variety of Women’s Studies courses, I began to complete the necessary groundwork for my thesis, “Understanding the Gender-based Wage Gap.” Hypothesizing that current fair pay legislation was fundamentally and principally flawed, I proposed the need for a pragmatic approach. Through interdisciplinary research and analysis, I was able to isolate and integrate insights and assumptions from United States case law, statutory history, sociology, and economics. The result was a comprehensive and multifaceted understanding of the gender-based wage gap’s various causes, as well as a practical legal solution.

As a final qualification for graduation, our senior professors required us to present our work at Montclair State University’s annual research symposium. Given the choice between creating a poster and presenting our research orally, I was among the small group of students who chose the latter. I recognized that a poster could not properly convey the breadth of or esteem I had for my research. Presenting my thesis before my classmates, professors, family, and friends was challenging, but turned out to be an exhilarating and emotionally-rewarding experience.

My success in Women’s Studies has given me a newfound sense of confidence, direction, and realized potential. At home in academia, I am certain of my ability to thrive in law school. In turn, the law school experience will facilitate the further-development of my analytical skills and passion for critical-thinking, while simultaneously honing my rhetorical and jurisprudential abilities. Finally, a law degree will provide me with the tools necessary to answer what I perceive as my life’s calling: helping the many deserving women who have been crippled by circumstance.

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kitmitzi
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby kitmitzi » Sat Dec 25, 2010 9:11 pm

Before my first Women’s Studies class, I found myself in a state of panic. I had always been a bit shy around women, and now I would have to face a situation where I would be the sole member of the opposite sex. Were you actually the only guy? Your experience might not be as unique as you think. I'm a WGST major and there's always at least 4-6 guys in my classes. My senior seminar had 18 kids and 4 were guys. The suggestion of such extreme minority status really shook me up. I arrived on campus early, only to find myself in the first floor bathroom–two minutes after class had begun–staring expressionlessly at my own reflection. “Will I be shunned, and treated like an outsider?” I thought, as I rustled up my shaggy hair. The prospect of being judged by thirty women was daunting to say the least. Mustering every last drop of courage, I recited a short prayer and went to join my fellow students.

Contrary to any of my preconceived notions, I found the attitudes of my classmates and professors in the Women’s Studies program to be warm and welcoming. My ideas about patriarchy and the state of contemporary female oppression were well received, and it wasn’t long before I became a prominent voice in the classroom. Sometimes consulted for the purpose of alternatively-gendered contrast, I willingly shared my thoughts and opinions. Although I sometimes felt at odds with my classmates and professors, points of contention served as building blocks for inferential thought and collectively-beneficial classroom discussion. Ultimately recognized by my female colleagues as an innovative thinker with a unique philosophical perspective, I was finally accepted as one of their own. Maybe "as an equal colleague" or "accepted as a worthy peer"? This phrasing sounds like they let you join their gender

As I progressed through the Women’s Studies curriculum, I found myself discovering notable correlations between feminist issues and topics in my major, Jurisprudence. Every societal imbalance or instance of subjugation I initially identified as a women’s rights issue was found, through research and analysis, to affect or have been affected by the law and Jurisprudence. These connections intrigued me, creating a burning desire to discover links of direct causation, and compelling me to choose a women’s rights topic for my yearlong Jurisprudence research and writing thesis.

Completing a variety of Women’s Studies courses, I began to complete the necessary groundwork for my thesis, “Understanding the Gender-based Wage Gap.” Hypothesizing that current fair pay legislation was fundamentally and principally flawed, I proposed the need for a pragmatic approach. Through interdisciplinary research and analysis, I was able to isolate and integrate insights and assumptions from United States case law, statutory history, sociology, and economics. The result was a comprehensive and multifaceted understanding of the gender-based wage gap’s various causes, as well as a practical legal solution.

As a final qualification for graduation, our senior professors required us to present our work at Montclair State University’s annual research symposium. Given the choice between creating a poster and presenting our research orally, I was among the small group of students who chose the latter. I recognized that a poster could not properly convey the breadth of or esteem I had for my research. Presenting my thesis before my classmates, professors, family, and friends was challenging, but turned out to be an exhilarating and emotionally-rewarding experience.

My success in Women’s Studies has given me a newfound sense of confidence, direction, and realized potential. At home in academia, I am certain of my ability to thrive in law school. In turn, the law school experience will facilitate the further-development why do you have a dash at "further-development"? No idea if that's right or not, just strikes me as odd of my analytical skills and passion for critical-thinking, while simultaneously honing my rhetorical and jurisprudential abilities. Finally, a law degree will provide me with the tools necessary to answer what I perceive as my life’s calling: helping the many deserving women who have been crippled by circumstance. um, rephrase or elaborate maybe? this sentence is usually used with the framework of helping a more specific set of people (impoverished third world families, victims of natural disasters, etc. To be honest I kind of take offense to the phrasing. Thank god there's a male lawyer who wants to help me overcome my oppression because I'm a woman! Ick. Maybe make a more general conclusion about how you want to alleviate gender norms or something?


Yes this is a good PS. But a part of it makes me cringe for the same reasons plenipotentiary described.

bakdaman
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:38 am

Re: Critique Please! Thank you guys...

Postby bakdaman » Sun Dec 26, 2010 12:22 am

Hey, thanks for such a specific criticism. It actually turned out that I had only one class of my 8 or 9 classes for the minor where there were other men. The rest of the classes i was the only guy. It wasn't so bad though. And yeah, i'll try to get away from the self-congratulatory tone...you can see that my first draft was much worse in that regard. Anyone else?




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