c'mon hit me with it ~~~critiques wanted!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
tenpenny3
Posts: 58
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:33 pm

c'mon hit me with it ~~~critiques wanted!!!

Postby tenpenny3 » Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:29 pm

Thanks in advance! I'm a firm believer in the more eyes the better concept.


Rules can be used in many different ways. One can use them as rigid principles or as flexible guidelines. I found myself in the middle of these polar opposites. In the game of baseball, some of the most important rules are used as guidelines. One of these, what defines the strike zone, is explained as the area directly above home plate between the batter’s knees and chest. If the batter does not swing, the ball must pass through this area to be called a strike. The ones who enforce this rule, the umpires, each have their own interpretation of where this zone begins and ends. I spent most of my life surrounded by baseball and following rules that allowed interpretation and slight variances, so it is no surprise that my mind was shaped from this. When I enrolled at the [top public u] to play baseball, I found out how much this has influenced me.

When I began my undergraduate career, I thought there was nothing more to my life other than baseball and school. After taking one class my first semester here, I decided I wanted to become a doctor, and a [science major] major was the best way to get there. I do not think I could have been more wrong. After three semesters of medical school prerequisites and baseball, I had a serious wake up call.

My grandfather had been diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2008, but did not tell anyone until August. As I continued drudging through organic chemistry and seemingly endless baseball practices, my grandfather was slowly being eaten away by his illness. He was my hero and financial support to attend [top public u] and when he announced on my twentieth birthday that the doctors only gave him two weeks to live, I was shattered. He passed in January 2009. The repercussions of his passing went immediately into effect. The small real estate business he left behind was teetering on collapse and my grandmother was too depressed to do anything. I took it upon myself to see that his business would survive and provide income for my grandmother. After struggling through the semester, I had realized I needed to make some tough choices to continue my academic career at [top public u]. Since there was no longer any financial support from my grandparents, I had to leave the baseball team and get a job. This also allowed me to evaluate where my academic decisions were leading me. What I found was shocking.

Where I find myself today is a result of my personal evaluation. I found myself studying within a field in which I did not fit. I found myself trying to connect the missing pieces between the material and it just lead to confusion. But, it did spark me to start thinking of other careers that would suit me better and through my dealings with my grandfathers business I found the perfect fit. Some of the key aspects of my position was dealing with lawyers. Whether it was applying for a zoning change, renting or selling a property, or making sure the taxes were acceptable, I was using lawyers to advise my decisions. Over time, I found myself researching law as a career and have not looked back. It requires one to have the ability to think abstractly and act concretely. Each case has its unique details and one must be able to apply both precise and broad laws to fit each one. Just like the rules of the strike zone that I am so schooled in, I know that my mind and abilities are perfectly suited for law.

Even though my undergraduate experience had its bumps, I would not change it one bit. It shaped me into who I am today, and lead to a career path I could not be more excited about. Sometimes you need to find out what’s not for you so you can figure what really is. I know law is for me and cannot wait to embark on a journey that will lead me to reaching my fullest potential.

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PinkCow
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Re: c'mon hit me with it ~~~critiques wanted!!!

Postby PinkCow » Mon Dec 20, 2010 2:41 am

tenpenny3 wrote:Thanks in advance! I'm a firm believer in the more eyes the better concept.


Rules can be used in many different ways. One can use them as rigid principles or as flexible guidelines. I found myself in the middle of these polar opposites. In the game of baseball, some of the most important rules are used as guidelines. One of these, what defines the strike zone, is explained as the area directly above home plate between the batter’s knees and chest. If the batter does not swing, the ball must pass through this area to be called a strike. The ones who enforce this rule, the umpires, each have their own interpretation of where this zone begins and ends. I spent most of my life surrounded by baseball and following rules that allowed interpretation and slight variances, so it is no surprise that my mind was shaped from thisAwkward, kind of forced sounding. When I enrolled at the [top public u] to play baseball, I found out how much this has influenced me.

When I began my undergraduate career, I thought there was nothing more to my life other than baseball and schoolReally? Seems a bit extreme.... After taking one class my first semester hereawkward, I decided I wanted to become a doctor, and a [science major] major was the best way to get there. I do not think I could have been more wrongConfusing. Sounds like you were wrong about a science major being the best way to get to a medical career. After three semesters of medical school prerequisites and baseball, I had a serious wake up call.

My grandfather had been diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2008, but did not tell anyone until August. As I continued drudging through organic chemistry and seemingly endless baseball practices, my grandfather was slowly being eaten away by his illness. He was my hero and financial support to attend [top public u], and when he announced on my twentieth birthday that the doctors only gave him two weeks to live, I was shattered. He passed in January 2009. The repercussions of his passing went immediately into effectSounds weird. The small real estate business he left behind was teetering on collapse and my grandmother was too depressed to do anything. I took it upon myself to see that his business would survive and provide income for my grandmother. After struggling through the semester, I had realized I needed to make some tough choices to continue my academic career at [top public u]. Since there was no longer any financial support from my grandparents, I had to leave the baseball team and get a job. This also allowed me to evaluate where my academic decisions were leading meallowed you? or required you?. What I found was shockingBlah.

Where I find myself today is a result of my personal evaluation. I found myself studying within a field in which I did not fit. I found myself trying to connect the missing pieces between the material and it just lead to confusion. But, it did sparkbad phrasing me to start thinking of other careers that would suit me better, and through my dealings with my grandfather's business, I found the perfect fit. SomeOne of the key aspects of my position was dealing with lawyers. Whether it was applying for a zoning change, renting or selling a property, or making sure the taxes were acceptable, I was using lawyers to advise my decisions. Over time, I found myself researching law as a career and have not looked back. It requires one to have the ability to think abstractly and act concretely. Each case has its unique details and one must be able to apply both precise and broad laws to fit each oneGenerally, telling law school admins what law is is not a wise choice - it's like me telling you what the strike zone is (I had no idea). Just like the rules of the strike zone that I am so schooled in, I know that my mind and abilities are perfectly suited for law.Not a strong connection

Even though my undergraduate experience had its bumps, I would not change it one bit. It shaped me into who I am today, and lead to a career path I could not be more excited about. Sometimes you need to find out what’s not for you so you can figure what really is. I know law is for me and cannot wait to embark on a journey that will lead me to reaching my fullest potential.




There are some grammar and usage errors in parts, but overall the writing is ok. Structurally, you haven't connected your themes as well as I think you could. I expected you to make a much more compelling, fitting connection between your desire to pursue law and the "strike zone". I think that discussion set you up for some nice introspection, but then you kind of got off focus with your grandpa and that other stuff.

Overall, this could be better if you figured out your focus more. IMO, right now, as long as you're not banking on your essay helping you edge out the competition, I doubt it will hurt you, provided you tighten up the mechanics. But, it could be better.

tenpenny3
Posts: 58
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:33 pm

Re: c'mon hit me with it ~~~critiques wanted!!!

Postby tenpenny3 » Mon Dec 20, 2010 8:56 am

thanks, I think i've found a way to connect the strike zone to the third and fourth paragraphs better, thing is, I do want to include the stuff about my g-pa, because it segments on how I found law, or should I just minimize that?

and the baseball and school extreme. It really did feel like that. You think I should include a quick sentence about what my daily schedule was? But, I also feel that as a true freshman, it was a little extreme to think that and I grew from it?

tenpenny3
Posts: 58
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:33 pm

Re: c'mon hit me with it ~~~critiques wanted!!!

Postby tenpenny3 » Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:53 pm

I took chip's advice and changed some things, I feel I'm edging closer to a good PS.

(thanks again chip)

revised:

Rules can be used in many different ways. One can use them as rigid principles or as flexible guidelines. I found myself in the middle of these polar opposites. In the game of baseball, some of the most important rules are used as guidelines. One of these, what defines the strike zone, is explained as the area directly above home plate between the batter’s knees and chest. If the batter does not swing, the ball must pass through this area to be called a strike. The ones who enforce this rule, the umpires, each have their own interpretation of where this zone begins and ends. I spent most of my life surrounded by baseball and following rules that allowed interpretation and slight variances. When I enrolled at [top public u] to play baseball, I found out just how much this has influenced and shaped me.

I began my undergraduate career thinking there was nothing more to my life other than baseball and school. After my first semester here, I hastily decided I wanted to become a doctor, and a [science] major was my path to get there. I enjoyed the material, but only on a shallow level. I was looking for that deep understanding and intrigue that I felt with the strike zone, but found neither. I did not fully realize what this meant because my attention was averted to trouble back home.

My grandfather had been diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2008, but did not tell anyone until August. As I continued drudging through organic chemistry and seemingly endless baseball practices, my grandfather was slowly being eaten away by his illness. He was my hero and financial support to attend [top public u] and when he announced on my twentieth birthday that the doctors only gave him two weeks to live, I was shattered. He passed in January 2009 and its repercussions went immediately into effect. The small real estate business he left behind was teetering on collapse and my grandmother was too overwhelmed to do much. I took it upon myself to see that his business would survive and provide income for my grandmother. After struggling through the semester, I had realized I needed to make some tough choices to continue my academic career at [top public u]. Since there was no longer any financial support from my grandparents, I had to leave the sport I loved and get a job. But, this transition also enabled me to thoroughly evaluate where I was going in life and where I wanted to be.

Where I find myself today is the result of my personal evaluation. The pre-medical tract felt like a mental cage, and baseball was its escape. Baseball allowed my mind to thrive, but when I left, that freedom was gone. However, in an ironic twist, my main reason for leaving the team, also lead me to the field of law. One of the key aspects of my position was dealing with lawyers. Whether it was applying for a zoning change, renting or selling a property, or making sure the taxes were acceptable, I was using lawyers to advise my decisions. Over time, I found myself researching law as a career and have not looked back. I see law as a field that will allow my interests and curiosity to greatly benefit me as a professional in the same way it did baseball.

I look back on the last couple of years and even though my undergraduate experience had its bumps, I would not change it one bit. It shaped me into who I am today, and lead to a career path I could not be more excited about. Sometimes you need to find out what is not for you so you can figure what really is. I know law is for me and cannot wait to embark on a journey that will lead me to reaching my fullest potential.


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PinkCow
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Re: c'mon hit me with it ~~~critiques wanted!!!

Postby PinkCow » Mon Dec 20, 2010 11:32 pm

tenpenny3 wrote:I took chip's advice and changed some things, I feel I'm edging closer to a good PS.

(thanks again chip)

revised:

Rules can be used in many different ways. One can use them as rigid principles or as flexible guidelines. I found myself in the middle of these polar opposites. In the game of baseball, some of the most important rules are used as guidelines. One of these, what defines the strike zone, is explained as the area directly above home plate between the batter’s knees and chest. If the batter does not swing, the ball must pass through this area to be called a strike. The ones who enforce this rule, the umpires, each have their own interpretation of where this zone begins and ends. I spent most of my life surrounded by baseball and following rules that allowed interpretation and slight variances. When I enrolled at [top public u] to play baseball, I found out just how much this has influenced and shaped me.

I began my undergraduate career thinking there was nothing more to my life other than baseball and school. After my first semester here, I hastily decided I wanted to become a doctor, and a [science] major was my path to get there. I enjoyed the material, but only on a shallow level. I was looking for that deep understanding and intrigue that I felt with the strike zone,What do you mean? What about that gave you "deep understanding and intrigue" but found neither. I did not fully realize what this meant because my attention was averted to trouble back home.

My grandfather had been diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2008, but did not tell anyone until August. As I continued drudging through organic chemistry and seemingly endless baseball practices, my grandfather was slowly being eaten away by his illness. He was my hero and financial support to attend [top public u] and when he announced on my twentieth birthday that the doctors only gave him two weeks to live, I was shattered. He passed in January 2009 and its repercussions went immediately into effect. The small real estate business he left behind was teetering on collapse and my grandmother was too overwhelmed to do much. I took it upon myself to see that his business would survive and provide income for my grandmother. After struggling through the semester, I had realized I needed to make some tough choices to continue my academic career at [top public u]. Since there was no longer any financial support from my grandparents, I had to leave the sport I loved and get a job. But, this transition also enabled me to thoroughly evaluate where I was going in life and where I wanted to be.

Where I find myself today is the result of my personal evaluation. The pre-medical tract felt like a mental cage, and baseball was its escape. Baseball allowed my mind to thrive, but when I left, that freedom was gone. However, in an ironic twist, my main reason for leaving the team, also lead me to the field of law. One of the key aspects of my positionwhat position - I get what you mean but it's confusing was dealing with lawyers. Whether it was applying for a zoning change, renting or selling a property, or making sure the taxes were acceptable, I was using lawyers to advise my decisions. Over time, I found myself researching law as a career and have not looked back. I see law as a field that will allow my interests and curiosity to greatly benefit me as a professional in the same way it did baseball.

I look back on the last couple of years and even though my undergraduate experience had its bumps, I would not change it one bit. It shaped me into who I am today, and lead ledto a career path I could not be more excited about. Sometimes you need to find out what is not for you so you can figure what really is. I know law is for me and cannot wait to embark on a journey that will lead me to reaching my fullest potential.





Overall, I think this is quite an improvement. It is smoother and clearer in all respects. However, I still don't quite understand why law is for you and why science is not. I get that you fell out of love with what you feel is the superficiality of science, but why, then, is law more compelling? Can you explain that more? Maybe connect it better to who you are? I think it's there, but just not stated fully. I know this sounds like a lot of criticism - it's because I think you have something cool to say, it just needs to be drawn out of the writing better.

I hope someone else has something to say too. It's nice to hear different opinions.

tenpenny3
Posts: 58
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:33 pm

Re: c'mon hit me with it ~~~critiques wanted!!!

Postby tenpenny3 » Tue Dec 21, 2010 1:03 am

thanks again, I don't mind the criticism one bit. Funny thing is, its why I don't "fit" with the sciences. Its glimpses of something, but never the whole picture. I'll try to relay this in the next revision.

tenpenny3
Posts: 58
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:33 pm

Re: c'mon hit me with it ~~~critiques wanted!!!

Postby tenpenny3 » Tue Dec 21, 2010 9:06 pm

bump




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