Addendum Critique please??

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
monkeywrench82
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Nov 20, 2010 1:14 pm

Addendum Critique please??

Postby monkeywrench82 » Sun Dec 19, 2010 3:55 pm

Any help would be appreciated. This was a very hard piece for me to write, and even harder for me to post, and ask for critique. Please don't judge my changes of getting in anywhere, just help me with what I wrote.

I know its long, the end is no good, and the 2nd paragraph might sound like sour grapes... but thank you for any help.




I am writing this addendum to help explain my lower cumulative GPA and high number of schools attended.

I was admitted to XXXXX for the Fall 2001 semester, and performed well the first two years.
During the Fall 2003 semester, I took part in a study abroad program. The Director and
her assistants made it known to me and everyone in the program that they disagreed with the conclusions I drew in my final project, and ultimately she gave me a failing grade for two of the four program sections.

Shortly after my return to campus for the spring semester, I was sexually assaulted. For a few years, I was unable to move beyond the attack, and was fearful of leaving my dorm, so I stopped attending many of myclasses. I didn't feel safe anywhere except at my off-campus job. I should have withdrawn from school, but everyone around me kept stressing the importance of "graduating on time." I ended up on academic probation and was sent for mandatory counseling sessions. These sessions helped for a while, but that help stopped when the sessions ended. I also tried taking classes at other schools, hoping a new location would make me less anxious; however, I ended up not being able to raise my GPA high
enough in the time required, and was dismissed from school.

In 2006, I moved to a new state. This new area, combined with a new support system, was the change I needed to move on in my life. I was admitted to XXXXXX as a non-credit student, where I performed reasonably well for the two semesters I attended, but I had decided to change my major to legal studies, which was not offered at that school. I transferred to XXXXXX in 2007, where I excelled, and graduated with an AAS with highest honors, while working a full time job.

Now again determined to get by Bachelors, as I had originally intended, I transferred to XXXXX in 2009 and received my BS in legal studies with a XXXX GPA, while
still working full time.

I truly believe that my academic abilities are best reflected in the years Fall 2001-Spring 2003 and Spring 2007-2010.

tourdeforcex
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 2:19 pm

Re: Addendum Critique please??

Postby tourdeforcex » Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:36 pm

i think it's pretty solid. addendum of this nature should be direct and to the point which this is.

cosmetic changes noted below in read, please take as suggestions, feel free to PM to discuss.

I am writing this addendum to help explain my lower (lower will be apparent) cumulative GPA and high (same reasoning) number of schools attended.

I was admitted to XXXXX for the Fall 2001 semester, and performed well the first two years.
During the Fall 2003 semester, I took part in a study abroad program. The Director and
her assistants made it known to me and everyone in the program that they
disagreed with the conclusions I drew in my final project, and ultimately she gave me a failing grade for two of the four program sections.

Shortly after my return to campus for the spring semester, I was sexually assaulted. For a few years, I was unable to move beyond the attack, and was fearful of leaving my dorm, so to the extentt I stopped attending many of my classes. I didn't feel safe anywhere except at my off-campus job. (this may be truthful but does not strengthen main point) I should have withdrawn from school, but everyone around me kept stressing stressed the importance of "graduating on time." I ended up on academic probation and was sent for mandatory counseling sessions. These sessions helped for a while, but that help stopped when the sessions ended. I also tried taking classes at other schools, hoping a new location would make me less anxious; however, I ended up not being able to raise my GPA high in the time required, and was dismissed from school.

In 2006, I moved to a new state. This new area, combined with a new support system, was the change I needed to move on in my life. I was admitted to XXXXXX as a non-credit student, where I performed reasonably well for the two semesters I attended, but I had decided to change my major to legal studies, which was not offered at that school. Thus, I transferred to XXXXXX in 2007, where I excelled, and graduated with an AAS with highest honors, while working a full time job.

Now again determined to get by Bachelors, as I had originally intended, I transferred to XXXXX in 2009 and received my BS in legal studies with a XXXX GPA, while still working full time.

I truly believe that my academic abilities are best reflected in the years Fall 2001-Spring 2003 and Spring 2007-2010.




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