Stanford PS - 3rd draft

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manifresh
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2010 1:58 am

Stanford PS - 3rd draft

Postby manifresh » Sun Dec 19, 2010 1:17 pm

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Last edited by manifresh on Tue Jan 04, 2011 3:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

WayBryson
Posts: 179
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:24 pm

Re: Stanford PS - 3rd draft

Postby WayBryson » Sun Dec 19, 2010 8:16 pm

This is a nice refinement of the last one that I read. There are still some minor grammar issues in a few places. I will be happy to go over the final draft for you. I work cheaper than those essay companies. You can buy me a beer if we both end up at Stanford. A fresh set of eyes never hurts! A few suggestions:

1) The third to the last paragraph slips a little too much into resume mode. I think the essay would be better served at this point by adding a reflective moment. At this point in the essay, you have gone from a turbulent background to highly successful and motivated. So, this might not be a bad place to use these various accomplishments as a backdrop for setting up your desire to go to law school. As it sits, I don’t know if you are going to law school now on a whim or whether this has been in your mind since you were on the airplane ;-)

2) I would combine the last two paragraphs and flip the order of ideas. The discussion of Intellectual Property comes out of the blue. At the very least, I would state your desire/interest to work in this area before going into the specifics of your experience. I would also cut back on the amount of discussion regarding intellectual property. Stanford knows they are the shit in this area of law, and I am guessing that your resume is VERY impressive. Discussing the importance of intellectual property, or how it works, to Stanford is kind of like talking about the importance accurate shooting to a group of Force Reconnaissance Marines. They get it. You only need to show that you are qualified (and experienced) within that area to make your point as to why you would be a good fit for admissions. In fact, you might even move the intellectual property experience bit up to the third to last paragraph to help setup the conclusions.

Those are my thoughts. Good luck to you, and I hope you gain admission.

manifresh
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2010 1:58 am

Re: Stanford PS - 3rd draft

Postby manifresh » Tue Dec 21, 2010 12:28 am

thanks a lot of your feedback again. you bring up good points, i just realized that I never really mentioned that I'm interested in patent law.
I'll hopefully get a final draft soon. I had my brother look it over and he says my first 2 paragraphs are too dramatic, so I'm thinking about toning it down a bit. also, please pm your price for proof reading for grammar and such. thanks!




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