REVISED Personal Statement - Please Critique

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oliverdarcy
Posts: 36
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 1:13 am

REVISED Personal Statement - Please Critique

Postby oliverdarcy » Sat Dec 18, 2010 7:39 pm

I will post the final, revised version later.

Thank you all for your help!
Last edited by oliverdarcy on Tue Dec 21, 2010 4:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

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well-hello-there
Posts: 320
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:38 pm

Re: REVISED Personal Statement - Please Critique

Postby well-hello-there » Sat Dec 18, 2010 7:57 pm

oliverdarcy wrote:Several months prior to this, I had launched a campaign to bring a conservative figure of stature to my university’s campus.
doesn't make any sense
oliverdarcy wrote:I proceeded to collect over one thousand signatures in favor of my efforts, in addition to appearing on several news programs bringing my case to the public's attention.
fix order of ideas
oliverdarcy wrote:Ultimately, this undertaking had an immense impact on both my university and I.
doesn't sound right
oliverdarcy wrote:I am confident that admittance into law school
doesn't sound right
hardworking is two words--aim to prove an asset doesn't make any sense
overall, even without considering the poor sentence structure everywhere, this is not a good personal statement. It does however have the potential to become a good personal statement. Keep working on it and eliminate the redundancy.

mrwarre85
Posts: 685
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:40 pm

Re: REVISED Personal Statement - Please Critique

Postby mrwarre85 » Sat Dec 18, 2010 8:19 pm

I was student body president and had to do lots of shit like this, but didn't even mention it in my personal statement. I'm not sure your topic is super, either.

That said, if it is from the heart, well-written, and you believe it will help tell a story about why you will be successful in the legal field, then stick with it. There has to be a connection between Rove/the whole experience/what you learned to law school though. There isn't now (its too weak), but I bet you could make it work. GL.

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ach24
Posts: 207
Joined: Sun Jun 20, 2010 1:24 pm

Re: REVISED Personal Statement - Please Critique

Postby ach24 » Sun Dec 19, 2010 12:10 pm

.
Last edited by ach24 on Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

oliverdarcy
Posts: 36
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 1:13 am

Re: REVISED Personal Statement - Please Critique

Postby oliverdarcy » Sun Dec 19, 2010 8:40 pm

First off, thank you for your input.

I just don't understand how to do less telling and more showing, when only given two pages to work with. I feel that I conveyed that I have leadership qualities, can craft an argument persuasive enough to institute change, and have organizational/communication skills. I guess this isn't being articulated in a clear fashion. How can I improve on this? As far as the connection to law school, I was hoping that the third-to-last paragraph covered an aspect of the event that would relate to my choice to study law. Further, I feel that my qualities (the ones I am having trouble conveying) would make me a good applicant.

I have been working on this for a couple months and am feeling the pressure now that I need to get my apps in once the DEC LSAT scores are released. Any further suggestions would be very much appreciated.

Thanks.




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