PS Rough Draft...Honest Opinions/ Critiques Welcome

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ctbaer01
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 1:50 pm

PS Rough Draft...Honest Opinions/ Critiques Welcome

Postby ctbaer01 » Sat Dec 18, 2010 1:56 pm

Having a tough time with the personal statement but this is where Im at right now...remember this is a very rough draft so grammatical errors will be present. I would like an honest critique of the overall theme of the paper and what you all would add and or takeout along with any other helpful and honest critiques...Have no mercy!! Oh I guess I should mention that the schools to which I am applying...Dayton, Northern Ky and Louisville.

Personal Statement

“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be”
-George Sheehan (1918 - 1993)

There is that one time in everyone’s life when they are presented with a challenge—that ultimately has them questioning themselves—asking whether or not they can succeed. The question, however, shouldn’t be if they can succeed but rather if they are determined enough to try, for better or worse. I will never forget when I found myself asking that same question and little did I know what I would realize once I found myself conquering my greatest phobia.
My time came on a fateful day in the middle of July in the gorges of New River, West Virginia. I was coming to the penultimate journey of a two week backpacking trip in New River Gorge where I was about to attempt something that no one with a crippling fear of heights would ever imagine, scale a seventy foot rock face and rappel back down. I approached that rock face telling myself I could do it but it wasn’t long until I found myself thirty feet off of the ground, knees shaking and my heart beating like a bass drum. I made the costly mistake of looking down and I ultimately froze and fear induced paralysis soon followed. I latched on to that rock and listened to all those below me trying to instill into me a since of confidence and the courage to resume. I knew however, that I was the only one who could convince myself that I could in fact move upward. Once I collected myself, I edged upward, taking one step at a time until I reached the top. The journey back down was quite uneventful, it turns out that the hardest part—and perhaps the most trying—is ascending while descending takes less effort…such is life so they so say.
That adventure took place the summer before I entered college to begin a new chapter in my life. I was entering college after a five year hiatus from when I graduated high school and was questioning myself on whether or not I would be prepared for the academic challenges that lie ahead of me in the coming years, but that day in July answered my doubts. I realized that if I honestly gave, not only school, but life itself 100 percent I could succeed and achieve becoming the person I was meant to be. I spent the last four years of my life working on graduating from college and improving not only myself but trying to help out my community as well. Now I began yet another chapter in my life that all my hard work and determination has led me to and that is law school. I chose to apply to the (School Name Omitted) School Of Law because I believe they offer me the greatest amount resources and opportunities in order to not only be a successful student but more importantly a successful lawyer.
After I visited (School Name Omitted) and its School of Law, it became apparent that this was in fact the best fit for me. While the facilities were awe inspiring, it truly came down to their Academic Success Program and faculty members that I heard from while on that visit. The study of law is an arduous journey that takes courage and determination in order to navigate successfully and I understand this fact. I too also realize that the choice one makes in choosing a law school is just as important and with the skills that I can gain from such practical programs as the externship, the School of Law (School Name Omitted) will provide me with the hands on experience needed to excel and stand above the rest.

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PinkCow
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Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:03 am

Re: PS Rough Draft...Honest Opinions/ Critiques Welcome

Postby PinkCow » Sat Dec 18, 2010 3:03 pm

ctbaer01 wrote:Having a tough time with the personal statement but this is where Im at right now...remember this is a very rough draft so grammatical errors will be present. I would like an honest critique of the overall theme of the paper and what you all would add and or takeout along with any other helpful and honest critiques...Have no mercy!! Oh I guess I should mention that the schools to which I am applying...Dayton, Northern Ky and Louisville.

Personal Statement

“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be”
-George Sheehan (1918 - 1993)

There is that one time in everyone’s life when theysingular/plural agreement are presented with a challenge—that ultimately has them questioning themselves—asking whether or not they can succeed. The question, however, shouldn’tcontractions are typically a no-no in academic writing be if they can succeed, but rather if they are determined enough to try, for better or worse.Very awkward sentence I will never forget when I found myself asking that same question and; little did I know what I would realize once I found myself conquering my greatest phobia.Run-on
My time came on a fateful day in the middle of July in the gorges of New River, West Virginia. I was coming to the penultimateReally? Is this really necessary. Is it necessary that adcoms know this was your second to last journey? journey of a two week backpacking trip in New River Gorge where I was about to attempt something that no one with a crippling fear of heights would ever imagine, scale a seventy foot rock face and rappel back downAwkward sentence. I approached that rock face telling myself I could do it, but it wasn’t long until I found myself thirty feet off of the ground, knees shaking and my heart beating like a bass drum. I made the costly mistake of looking down and I ultimately froze and fear induced paralysis soon followedRun-on. I latched on to that rock and listened to all those below me trying to instill into me a sincesense, not since of confidence and the courage to resume. I knew, however, that I was the only one who could convince myself that I could in fact move upward. Once I collected myself, I edged upward, taking one step at a time until I reached the top. The journey back down was quite uneventful,. itIt turns out that the hardest part—and perhaps the most trying—is ascending while descending takes less effort…such is life so they so sayAwkwardly written, confusing, and I don't know what the point of this sentence is.
That adventure took place the summer before I entered college to begin a new chapter in my life. I was entering college after a five year hiatus from when I graduated high school and was questioning myself on whether or not I would be prepared for the academic challenges that lie ahead of me in the coming years, but that day in July answered my doubtsRun-on. I realized that if I honestly gave, not only school, but life itself 100 percent I could succeed and achieve becoming the person I was meant to beConfusing and trite. I spent the last four years of my life working on graduating from college and improving not only myself but trying to help out my community as wellTrite. Now I beganbegin? yet another chapter in my life that all my hard work and determination has led me to and that is law schoolUngrammatical sentence. I chose to apply to the (School Name Omitted) School Of Law because I believe they offer me the greatest amount resources and opportunities in order to not only be a successful student, but, more importantly, a successful lawyer.
After I visited (School Name Omitted) and its School of Law, it became apparent that this was in fact the best fit for me. While the facilities were awe inspiring, it truly came down to their Academic Success Program and faculty members that I heard from while on that visit. The study of law is an arduous journey that takes courage and determination in order to navigate successfully and I understand this fact. I too also realize that the choice one makes in choosing a law school is just as important and with the skills that I can gain from such practical programs as the externship, the School of Law (School Name Omitted) will provide me with the hands on experience needed to excel and stand above the rest.
Rest of what?




Okay, so, honestly, if you are not in very good academic shape for the schools you are applying to, you need to seriously work on improving this essay. For this essay not to hurt your chances, I'd say you need to be well above the 75th percentile for both GPA and LSAT. Here are the main problems with the essay:
1. It has many grammatical and usage errors.
2. It does not flow well. There are many different focuses - rock climbing, going to school, why you want to go to law school.
3. It's overly abstract, vague, and complex.
4. Don't start with a quote, especially when there's not a lot of connection between you and the quote. Sure, you did an unnerving thing when you rock climbed, but that's not the focus of your essay, nor does it warrant such a strong quote. If you got a 4.0 and 180 and raised a family while teaching starving children in Africa how to irrigate crops, then maybe such a quote would be appropriate. You don't really demonstrate such success (or any, really) in this essay.


So, my suggestions:
1. First and foremost - refocus your thoughts and your essay. Find out really what you want your essay to be about and then expand, expand, and expand some more about it. Right now, it's broad, unfocused, and wandering.
2. Write shorter sentences. Write simply. Use correct grammar.
3. Watch your structure.


Hope this helps. Sorry if your self-esteem as a fantastic writer has been dashed. It happens to all of us!

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ach24
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Joined: Sun Jun 20, 2010 1:24 pm

Re: PS Rough Draft...Honest Opinions/ Critiques Welcome

Postby ach24 » Sun Dec 19, 2010 12:11 pm

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