2nd Draft. Comments much appreciated.

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zephyr36
Posts: 165
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2009 4:49 am

2nd Draft. Comments much appreciated.

Postby zephyr36 » Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:00 pm

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Last edited by zephyr36 on Fri Dec 17, 2010 11:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

weejonbu
Posts: 219
Joined: Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:48 pm

Re: 2nd Draft. Comments much appreciated.

Postby weejonbu » Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:28 pm

Seems like a pretty legit experience. I think it's good the way you talk about what you felt and how you learned things from this. Still, seems like it could be a little more engaging of a narrative.

Maybe a few more drafts, but it seems to be coming along.

zephyr36
Posts: 165
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2009 4:49 am

Re: 2nd Draft. Comments much appreciated.

Postby zephyr36 » Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:33 pm

weejonbu wrote:Seems like a pretty legit experience. I think it's good the way you talk about what you felt and how you learned things from this. Still, seems like it could be a little more engaging of a narrative.

Maybe a few more drafts, but it seems to be coming along.


Can you elaborate? What about it seemed flat?

weejonbu
Posts: 219
Joined: Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:48 pm

Re: 2nd Draft. Comments much appreciated.

Postby weejonbu » Fri Dec 17, 2010 5:00 pm

zephyr36 wrote:
weejonbu wrote:Seems like a pretty legit experience. I think it's good the way you talk about what you felt and how you learned things from this. Still, seems like it could be a little more engaging of a narrative.

Maybe a few more drafts, but it seems to be coming along.


Can you elaborate? What about it seemed flat?


For one thing, it's a tad on the long side--close to three full pages if you double space with Times New Roman 12point. While some schools (Berkeley) have a four-page limit, and some don't even put a limit on there, a lot of schools require it to be no more than two pages.

You have a very unique experience and story, but I too often you tell me instead of show me about what happened and what you took from the experience. Parliamentary debate is extremely fascinating... sometimes I youtube it just to watch the show. Try to capture some of that excitement and let it bleed into your story.




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