Critique PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
fdr123
Posts: 55
Joined: Sat May 01, 2010 6:23 pm

Critique PS

Postby fdr123 » Thu Dec 16, 2010 1:58 am

As long as I can remember I have always had a passion for sports. Throughout my childhood I was a part of numerous competitive athletic teams. As I grew older and started at the University of Tampa, I realized that I would have to focus more on my academic career and give up playing sports. I realized that accomplishing good grades in college would be something that would help me become successful in my future years as an adult. But I did not fully eradicate sports from my life. I wanted to attend law school and become a sports lawyer.

Since my freshmen year I knew that I had to excel in all of my courses in order to maintain a competitive grade point average for law school. By entering the field as a sports lawyer I will be able to analyze and assess the legal rights of my athlete clients. I will also be involved with athlete contracts where I will be able to review, negotiate, and draft agreements between athletes and other interested parties. As being a part of a sports team and having experience and knowledge of professional sports will contribute to me being a successful sports lawyer.

I came to the University of Tampa in Fall 07 as a freshman. I am originally from Brooklyn, New York and attended a Jesuit high school in Manhattan called Xavier. I came to the University of Tampa not knowing a single person, so it was a difficult transition the first few weeks. Many students go to college and have an abundance of free time and waste it. For me it was a gift and I took advantage of it. I used the free time to excel in my class work and take part of several school organizations. My early success in college helped motivate me throughout the journey. I wanted to exceed in all of my classes and obtain very high grades.

My second year I decided to move off campus to experience life as an adult and to become independent without the help of my parents. I have been involved in several extracurricular activities throughout my four years at the University of Tampa. All four years I have took part in the flag football team, floor hockey team, and outdoor basketball team. I found time during my college career to participate in athletic activities along with succeeding in my coursework.

I picked my major to be Criminology because I am very interested in the field. Also because I wanted to take a few law classes before entering law school. I am also a minor in Philosophy which has really benefited me in several ways. I believe that Philosophy helped me develop the ability to analyze and construct sounds arguments and think logically and critically about ideas and issues. I am also a member of the Honors program here at the University of Tampa since my freshman year. I have received Deans List 4 out of my 6 semesters. I am also on track to receive Magna Cum Laude with a current 3.8 GPA and rank in the top 7% of my class. I look forward to attending law school, where I will be able to use my skills, values, and knowledge that I attained throughout my life. I am eager to pursue my career as a successful lawyer and prepared for the challenges that await me in the near future.

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PinkCow
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Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:03 am

Re: Critique PS

Postby PinkCow » Thu Dec 16, 2010 3:00 am

fdr123 wrote:As long as I can remember I have always had a passion for sports. Throughout my childhood I was a part of numerous competitive athletic teams. As I grew older and started at the University of Tampa, I realized that I would have to focus more on my academic career and give up playing sports. I realized that accomplishing good grades in college would be something that would help me become successful in my future years as an adult. But I did not fully eradicate sports from my life. I wanted to attend law school and become a sports lawyer.

Since my freshmen year, I knew that I had to excel in all of my courses in order to maintain a competitive grade point average for law schoolwordy. By entering the field as a sports lawyer, I will be able to analyze and assess the legal rights of my athlete clients. I will also be involved with athlete contracts where I will be able to review, negotiate, and draft agreements between athletes and other interested parties. As being a part of a sports team and having experience and knowledge of professional sports will contribute to me being a successful sports lawyerfragment.

I came to the University of Tampa in Fall 07 as a freshmanthat pretty much goes without saying. I am originally from Brooklyn, New York and attended a Jesuit high school in Manhattan called Xavier. I came to the University of Tampa not knowing a single person, so it was a difficult transition the first few weeks. Many students go to college and have an abundance of free time and waste it. For me it was a gift, and I took advantage of it. I used the free time to excel in my class work and take part in several school organizations. My early success in college helped motivate me throughout the journeywhat journey?. I wanted to exceedom...exceed what? in all of my classes and obtain very high gradescool story bro.

My second year I decided to move off campus to experience life as an adult
? and to become independent without the help of my parents. I have been involved in several extracurricular activities throughout my four years at the University of Tampa. All four years I have tooktaken part in the flag football team, floor hockey team, and outdoor basketball team. I found time during my college career to participate in athletic activities, along with succeeding in my coursework.

I picked my major to be Criminology because I am very interested in the field. Also because I wanted to take a few law classes before entering law schoobad sentencel. I am also a minor in Philosophy which has really benefited me in several ways. I believe that Philosophy helped me develop the ability to analyze and construct sounds arguments and think logically and critically about ideas and issues.bad sentence I am alsohave also been a member of the Honors program here at the University of Tampa since my freshman year. I have received Deans List 4 out of my 6 semesters. I am also on track to receive Magna Cum Laude with a current 3.8 GPA and rank in the top 7% of my class. I look forward to attending law school, where I will be able to use my skills, values, and knowledge that I attained throughout my life. I am eager to pursue my career as a successful lawyer and prepared for the challenges that await me in the near future.







Okay, so depending on how low you're shooting, this essay could work fine - provided you really, really, really tightened up the mechanics. However, if you're trying to apply anywhere where your numbers aren't stellar, you're gonna want to rewrite the whole thing. There's no topic here. It's just like, this is who I am. I did x then y then z then z1 then z2.........etc etc. It's like a resume in paragraph form, but with nothing notable through its entirety.

Again, not bad, provided that you're not shooting for anywhere where your essay matters at all.

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glitter178
Posts: 771
Joined: Sun Mar 07, 2010 8:21 pm

Re: Critique PS

Postby glitter178 » Thu Dec 16, 2010 3:13 am

http://www.top-law-schools.com/personal ... mples.html
^^ read some of these and then revisit your PS.

Anomaly
Posts: 151
Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:55 pm

Re: Critique PS

Postby Anomaly » Thu Dec 16, 2010 3:30 am

Listen to the above posters. Delete the entire thing and start brainstorming ideas. Stay away from making arbitrary claims about the future. "I will be a sports lawyer. I will help athletes. I will examine contracts." That stuff is absolutely meaningless and has no place in your personal statement.

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DukeCornell
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Joined: Thu May 21, 2009 3:19 am

Re: Critique PS

Postby DukeCornell » Thu Dec 16, 2010 4:15 pm

...

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s0ph1e2007
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Joined: Sat Oct 10, 2009 10:37 pm

Re: Critique PS

Postby s0ph1e2007 » Thu Dec 16, 2010 4:18 pm

As I grew older and started at the University of Tampa, I realized that I would have to focus more on my academic career and give up playing sports.


You need to explain this specifically if you're going to make this as a claim. If you want to talk abotu your involvement in sports and you weren't involved in sports in UG at all then you probably will have to give at least another sentence to explain why it wasn't personally possible for you, because many of these schools will receive applications from DI athletes with solid academic records... and certainly A LOT of club sport athletes with high stats.
You sound like you're claiming that you realized it was impossible to participate in sports and get good grades...




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